Avocado is Not the Only Fruit
by ksfd89
Summary: AU where Rory marries Logan and comes to regret it. Rated M for sex, swearing and masturbation. Yes, I stole the title from Jeanette Winterson's wonderful novel Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit!
1. Chapter 1

He said, _Let's jump_. So she'd jumped. She'd jumped but this time there wasn't the relief of ground. She'd jumped and now she was falling.

Rory sighed and looked out of the window. The avocado tree was in full bloom but she didn't enjoy its fruits anymore. She'd long tired of the taste. She was twenty-five and married. Twenty-five – it had felt important when she'd had her birthday, she'd reached a quarter of a century in life – but now it sounded young. Twenty-five and married. She may as well be fifty-five. They had been married just two years yet to Rory it felt much more. The memory of her life before marriage seemed a long, distant past, impossibly out of reach. Rory didn't understand how something which had started so strongly had fallen to such a state of stagnation.

The first year had been wonderful. They'd had a large, luxurious wedding in Hartford in spring before honeymooning around Asia for two months. Rory didn't think she stopped laughing once and, whenever she looked at her husband, she felt filled with love and embarrassed that she had ever doubted her decision. So what if they were young? They loved each other, each day was an adventure and the sex was something else.

Things still were good when they got home. They moved to California where Logan was working and had an avocado tree in their backyard, as promised. It all felt like some kind of wonderful dream. One early morning Logan and Rory snuck out into the garden naked, made love and then fed each other fruit. It was like being in the Garden of Eden without the serpent.

Life outside the Garden was a little less perfect. Rory couldn't find a job. Logan reassured her, told her not to worry. "It can be tough at first, Ace," he'd said. "I can get you something at my company."

Rory didn't know why she'd said no. Reasonably she knew it would be a smart thing to do. She needed work and Logan was offering it to her on a silver platter. It was right there and she'd be working with Logan – what could be more romantic than that? Yet she'd shaken her head. Perhaps it was the experience of interning for his father but she'd never trusted jobs with family connections after that. She knew Logan wouldn't throw her out but there was a bad feeling about it and she imagined all the other members of staff whispering as she walked, _you know she only got the job because she's his wife._

So she'd turned him down. He'd laughed, said she was crazy and then got a little hurt and annoyed when she wouldn't change her mind. She was being stupid. She needed a job, he had one and they were married, for God's sake. Why shouldn't they work together? But Rory stayed firm. Privately she decided that if she hadn't found something in the next month she'd reconsider but, as luck would have it, she did. A woman had left to have a baby at a popular paper and Rory slotted into the gap.

Everything was wonderful again. She was working, Logan was working and they both came home late but happy, arguing about who had had a tougher day. They'd cook dinner together, shower together and fall asleep tangled in the sheets before waking with a start before the alarm.

"I'm waking up way too early!" Logan had laughed. "You're a good influence on me, Ace."

Rory teasingly said she didn't know if she liked that but she couldn't stop laughing, even as Logan kissed her and whispered that she was really bad. It wasn't just that she had a job again and Logan was dedicated, it was that their marriage felt right again. The bad phase, if that was what she should name it, had passed and Rory knew everything would work out with her husband by her side.

By Christmas things felt altered. Nothing had changed but the weather was wrong. It was December, it was still warm and Logan had laughed when Rory sadly said there was no snow.

"It's California!" he'd exclaimed, as though she was stupid. "What did you expect, a blizzard?"

Rory had expected perhaps a little chill to the air but it was relentlessly sunny. She called Lorelai who told her all about the first snow, and how she had put out an extra cup of cocoa for Rory even though she wasn't there and Rory had laughed but had cried alone for an hour after the call. She looked at all her winter clothes, some of which she had stolen from her mother and remembered the bite in the air as the season changed. Here the weather never changed and she buried her face in a sweater, yearning for New England.

They stayed home that year. Logan said it was their first Christmas as a married couple at their new home and they should spend it there. Rory agreed but she felt achingly sad. She missed Christmas at home, her grandparents and the trip to Luke's. She missed her mother. Logan flew Lorelai out the day after but somehow it made it worse. Lorelai and Rory had gone for a walk around the town, so warm they barely needed sweaters and when they stopped by the ocean Lorelai had shielded the sun from her eyes.

"Wow," she said. "You wouldn't think it was winter, huh?"

Something strange had come over Rory. She looked at her mother and had a sudden urge to fling her arms around her and beg to be taken home on the plane with her. She didn't know why but it was all she could do to stop herself. Lorelai looked at her oddly.

"Something wrong, hon?"

Rory smiled and shook her head and Lorelai smiled too, though she sounded serious.

"You are happy, aren't you?" she asked, looking into her daughter's eyes. "You're happy out here?"

"Of course," Rory said quickly. "Getting married was definitely the right decision."

Lorelai nodded and she added,

"There's always a blue sky."

Lorelai laughed and Rory didn't tell her that she missed the rain.

The new year brought change. Rory didn't know when it started to feel different but after their first wedding anniversary she felt odd. She was happy but it wasn't the crazy, careless kind of happiness she had felt on their honeymoon and the first months of their marriage. She had a strange desire to cry but she didn't say a word to Logan. When their first anniversary came they stayed home. Rory cooked a homemade meal and they opened a bottle of wine. Rory gave Logan cufflinks and Logan gave her real pearl earrings.

"They say the first year is supposed to be paper," Logan joked. "But I thought you deserved something more special."

He fixed them in her ears and they'd made love there in the living room. Afterwards, when they'd got dressed, Rory wondered why she felt disappointed. The earrings were beautiful. They were beautiful and expensive and she didn't want them. She didn't know why. They didn't feel right and she'd wondered it whilst they'd had sex.

After spring things went downhill. The woman who'd had a baby came back. There was nothing Rory could do, it had been a short term contract but she and the managers of the company had expected the woman to take more time. She could certainly afford to but one day the manager called Rory in with an apologetic look on his face. The woman had hired a nanny and wanted her job back and, seeing as she had more experience, already knew the work and the contract had only been for a few months he would have to let her go.

Rory was disappointed but decided not to let it get her down. She applied for every job she could find but after three failed interviews and a general lack of response she found herself ceasing to care. What was the point? Most places barely replied to her emails. She had to really suck and anyway, if she was any good the first company would have kept her. She started getting up later and doing less in the day.

Logan was confused. He looked at her and asked what was going on. Rory was the responsible one of the two, the one who made him get up in the morning and made sure he had a decent night's sleep. She was the one who kept him on the straight and narrow.

Rory shrugged. Logan said the offer at his place still stood. Rory knew she should take it but she'd felt so tired lately – she was getting up late but there was a shroud of exhaustion around her shoulders and she couldn't sleep at night. Some days it took energy to just get dressed.

"I'm okay," she'd said. "I like having more time, actually."

It wasn't as though they couldn't afford it. Logan brightened and never asked after that. One day he remarked that he liked the fact that she waited for him while he was at work. _Like a movie, isn't it?_ Rory smiled. She didn't say that some things were better in fiction.

The summer was the worst. It was too hot, too stifling and Rory felt as though she was being smothered. The California sun was baking, Logan was irritable and her days seemed to mesh into one. Summer faded to fall but she could barely tell.

Her twenty-fifth birthday was celebrated with a big party and the entire Life and Death Brigade came but Rory wished they hadn't. Colin and Finn's antics, so amusing when she was young, seemed stupid and immature and privately she wondered when any of them would grow up. Watching Colin drink an entire bottle of champagne on Finn's shoulders wasn't funny anymore, especially as she was the one who had to clean up the mess. Rory wondered, as she got out the mop, if she was starting to get old. When she was a kid she said she thought being twenty-five sounded boring and old and she and Lorelai had made a plan to play bingo and then drink shots. When she told Logan he laughed and changed the subject.

They went home for Christmas that year. Rory begged Logan after he said he wanted to spend it in California. He was reluctant but one day, when Rory dropped a plate and burst into hysterical sobs in the kitchen he was frightened.

"We'll go home," he said, putting his arms around her. "We'll go to Connecticut for Christmas."

They stayed in Stars Hollow. Logan was a little uncertain but he had no desire to stay with his parents and, as Rory pointed out, why bother staying at a hotel when they could go home for free? Lorelai made up the trundle bed and apologetically said that she should have fixed up a double bed in there by now but Rory was grateful. She was glad something hadn't changed.

Somehow going home made things worse, not better. They went to Emily and Richard's for Christmas dinner and everything was like a picture postcard of the perfect family. Christopher came with Gigi, they ate an enormous dinner and Richard made a toast.

"To more wonderful Christmases like this one," he said and Emily added wickedly,

"Perhaps we'll have to set an extra place at the table next year!"

She'd given a knowing look to Rory who felt a sudden rush of nausea and excused herself to the bathroom.

Everything was the same but everything had changed. There was snow, there were her family and friends but it all felt wrong. Lorelai went out one day and Logan suggested sex in her bedroom, teasing her about doing it where Rory Gilmore used to sleep. Somehow the idea revolted her and she pushed Logan away when she started to kiss her.

"God!" he'd exclaimed. "What's the problem? We did it last time!"

They had. It felt fun the first time, wrong in a good way but this time it felt almost sordid. She wanted to keep her childhood bedroom free from sex and Logan rolled his eyes.

"That's crazy," he said. "Didn't you lose your virginity in here?"

She didn't know why the question made her so angry but she found herself grabbing her jacket and storming out. She heard Logan shouting something behind her but she didn't try to listen. She kicked snow out of the way and found herself marching into Luke's. She didn't prepare herself for who would be inside.

A tall, slim man slowly lowered a paper at the furious jangle of the bell. Rory looked up, saw the familiar face and the raven hair and felt a terrible blush spread over her cheeks. Jess.

"Hey," he said slowly.

"Hey," Rory said quietly, looking at her hands which were red with cold. She hadn't bothered with gloves.

"Luke's not here right now," Jess told her. "If you want to come back later, or..."

"It's okay."

He looked at her carefully and put the paper down.

"Are you okay?" he asked, sounding concerned. "You look kind of – is everything okay?"

"I'm fine," Rory said hastily. "Just cold."

Jess nodded but he didn't say anything. His eyes rested on her fingers and Rory frowned before looking down and realising. She walked over and lifted her left hand up: the ring gleamed in the winter light.

"Wow," Jess said. "It's big."

"Yes."

It was so heavy it hurt her finger sometimes but she never took it off.

"So, still married, huh?" Jess has asked and Rory nodded. "And things are good."

"Yes," Rory said, trying to smile. "Things are good."

"Well...good."

"Yes."

"Are you Mrs Huntzburger now?"

"No," Rory said. Logan had wanted her to take his name but she couldn't. He'd been hurt but didn't try to talk her out of it. "I kept my name."

"I think that's good," Jess said sincerely. "I can't see you as anyone other than Rory Gilmore."

"No," Rory said, strangely thrilled that he agreed. "Neither can I."

She looked at him and didn't have to try to smile this time. She opened her mouth to ask how he was when suddenly the door banged open, making them jump. Logan came in and stopped at the sight of his wife's hand in Jess.

"Come on, Rory, let's go," he snarled. Jess raised his eyebrows.

"You want to ask her permission about that?" he asked. Logan glared at him.

"She's my wife," he snapped and then he took Rory's hand and led her away. Rory shot an apologetic look at Jess. He stared back but she couldn't read his expression and his eyes haunted her long into the night.

Logan seemed to think she'd betrayed him. He never came out and said it but he was cool with her for the rest of the trip and Lorelai bit her lip when he gave a curt response to her question about packing. When it was time for them to go, Rory hugged her tightly. Logan was loading things into the cab and she whispered to her mother,

"I did do the right thing, didn't I? Getting married?"

Her mother was quiet and then asked,

"Are you happy with him?"

Rory hesitated but nodded. She loved Logan. It wasn't his fault that she'd been feeling so low lately and couldn't find work. He loved her, she knew he did, and he was always trying to make her laugh. It wasn't his fault if it wasn't working. She managed to say that she was.

"Then you did the right thing," Lorelai said, kissing her cheek. "The main thing is that you're happy together."

Rory smiled, nodded and felt relived. She couldn't help thinking, however, that if her mother had asked if she was happy in general she would have given a very different answer.

The next few months passed quickly if not joyfully. They hosted a New Year's party where Finn broke a crystal statue, Rory lost her temper and they laughed at her losing her sense of fun. Rory saw in the new year holding back tears and a need to shout. Logan said Finn would pay for the statue and there was nothing to be upset about. Rory nodded, smiled, forgot it and said it was fine. She was fine. Their second wedding anniversary came and passed. They went to a restaurant, exchanged gifts, made love and went to bed early. It was fine.

Rory got a job. It wasn't anything that she wanted to do but it got her out of the house. She provided administration support at a finance office and would read the newspaper left on her manager's desk. She read it in the bathroom, legs propped up on the stall, silently criticising the journalist's style and take before remembering none of what she thought mattered. She wasn't a journalist anymore. Rory would fold the paper and go back to her desk in silence until the day where Rory lost her job. It was the recession, they said, as though it should comfort her. They made to make cuts. She shouldn't take it personally.

_No, of course not,_ Rory thought bitterly. Now there didn't seem to be anything to apply for at all.

Everything had become dull. The weather was dull, the days were dull, even the sex was dull. Rory didn't look forward to it anymore. Lately it felt that there was no connection. It didn't feel like they were making love but it didn't feel like sex either. It didn't feel fun or exciting or meaningful. It just felt like something they were obliged to do. Logan got frustrated. All the moves he used to have weren't doing anything anymore and Rory couldn't come. He asked her what it was but she couldn't say and it felt like he was almost angry with her. In the end she faked her orgasms and it amused her that Logan, who prided himself so much on his skills in the bedroom, wasn't able to tell. The amusement had a bitter taste though and Rory wished things were how they used to be. The sex was routine too – they only had it at the weekend or the occasional evening, if Logan wasn't tired or working late, and Rory found she didn't really care. The thought of doing it in the garden again or on the living room floor seemed to belong to some other couple, kids who were crazy and young and not a husband and wife like them.

One day her period was late. Rory was glancing at the calendar when she suddenly realised she should have had it three days ago and for a moment she felt dizzy and clutched the counter. This frightened her even more – was this a sign of pregnancy? – and she immediately went out to buy a test, for once glad she spent the days alone at home.

Something odd went through Rory's mind as she peed on the stick. She and Logan hadn't discussed children but privately she had always thought that if it happened, somehow, it would happen. It would be a good thing, starting a family but now as she waited for the result she found she couldn't breathe. She couldn't have a child. She _wouldn't _have a child. If it was positive, she decided, she would go to the doctor and stop her pregnancy. She would never tell Logan and she would never tell anyone.

Three long minutes eventually passed. Rory dared look at the test and burst out crying. It was negative. She cried and cried and when her period made its appearance, three days later, she sobbed even harder. It alarmed her and she wondered why she had thought the things she had – surely a baby would make her happy? Didn't she want Logan's child? Still, she was extra vigilant about her contraception after that and never told Logan about the scare.

One day she meandered around the house in boredom. Rory had just finished a load of laundry. She was unable to help glancing at Logan's shirts after discovering, a few weeks ago, a smear of lipstick on the collar. When she'd confronted her husband about it he'd laughed, said it was hers and said she had to remember. Rory couldn't at all but the laughter of her husband, the hurt in his voice when he asked if she didn't trust him stopped her from asking further. She'd never seen lipstick after that though she was sure she detected the scent of perfume once or twice. Still, Rory wore perfume sometimes and she didn't want to make a fight, couldn't face an argument, even though the perfume smelled different to hers. Rory finished putting the laundry away and wondered what to do until Logan got home. She spent a lot of time walking or surfing the net, with the intention of applying for jobs, but that day she crouched at the bookshelf and pulled out a book. It was Jess's book. Logan didn't like seeing it and she had hidden it between two large tomes. She couldn't remember when she had last read it, or any book for that matter, and she took it to the chair by the window and started to read.

Rory never read now. She had the time but she couldn't concentrate. Her mind felt fuzzy and dull and she didn't enjoy it anymore but this time she didn't have to try. She read like when she was young, without restraint, and, when she put it down, she was surprised to see it was two hours later.

Rory sat back in the chair and thought about Jess. She wondered how he was and she pictured him, not in the way he looked when they were in school but when she had gone to see him a few years ago, wearing the smart blazer but the casual shirt. She imagined him all over and a low warmth started to burn between her legs. She'd secretly wondered what sex with Jess would be like. When she was eighteen she decided her first time would be with him, so certain she had bought condoms from a supermarket in Hartford, terrified someone would see. Then it had all gone horribly wrong and then even more wrong when she had wound up losing her virginity to Dean. Rory still regretted that. She didn't wish she had had sex at the party instead but she was slightly sorry she and Jess had never had sex. They'd come close a few times. In the backseat of his car they'd got hot and heavy as only teenagers can and one day she'd felt his penis beneath his jeans. Jess had groaned but they had forced themselves apart. _It can't be like this_ Rory had said. _My first time can't be in the back of a car!_

Rory knew sensibly it was smart not to but she couldn't help wondering, feeling a pang of regret. She wondered where that girl had gone, her younger self who loved to read and learn and made out with her boyfriend in the back of his car. She seemed a long way away, like someone in a book she could no longer read.

Rory thought of Jess again. She remembered his mouth on hers during the illicit trip to Philadelphia, the heat of his breath and the warmth of his hands. His body had been close, knees brushing and she wondered what it would have been to have kissed him properly. Pressed his body against hers and to have shed her clothing.

The heat grew stronger and stronger. It was burning inside, in the best way and Rory found herself putting the book down and going into her bedroom. She got into the bed, thrust a hand between her legs and moved her fingers in and out until she came, letting out a sound which was half gasp and half moan. For a moment she lay still, unable to move, her hand slick. She couldn't remember the last time she came so strongly, had a real orgasm and a small smile appeared on her face. Then she sat up. She felt a rush of guilt, as though she had cheated and ran to the bathroom where she washed her hands and between her legs over and over until all evidence was completely gone. She could still see the picture of him in her mind, feel the warm wetness between her legs and changed the sheets as well, just in case. She went and turned the television on, burning with guilt, but didn't watch the show on the screen. She remembered the day Jess had come to Yale, pleading with her to run away. Rory sensed an odd stab of sadness at the memory.

The door banged open and Logan marched in, making Rory jump. There was a grim look on his face.

"What is it?" Rory asked, half worried and half guilty and Logan shook his head.

"We're moving back to Connecticut."


	2. Chapter 2

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"What?" Rory echoed dumbly as her husband began to pace around the room. "Move back? Logan, slow down!"

She got up from the chair and switched the television off, he spun to face her with a hard look on his face.

"It's my department," he said slowly. "They want me to oversee a division in Connecticut for six months."

"Six months?" Rory exclaimed. She wanted to sit down again. "And this starts -?"

"Three weeks," Logan said grimly. "We've got three weeks to move."

He swore and threw his keys down but Rory didn't notice. Her shock was fading to something else, something urgent and she said,

"We're moving back. Logan, we're moving _back_?"

"I told you like five times," Logan snapped but Rory ignored him. She started to walk excitedly around the room and then said joyfully,

"I have to call Mom!"

"Rory, I haven't figured out any of it yet!"

"I'm still telling Mom," Rory said. "The most important thing is that we're moving."

"Can we eat dinner first?" Logan called but Rory ignored him. She picked up the phone and closed herself in the bedroom, dialling the numbers she knew by heart.

The phone began to ring and Roy closed her eyes in anticipation, praying that her mother would be home. It rang and rang. Lorelai's cheerful answerphone message began, Rory bit her lip with disappointment and then suddenly there was a click as the other line was picked up and her mother said breathlessly,

"This had better be important!"

"Mom!" Rory said. "It's me!"

"Rory?" Lorelai exclaimed. "Is that you?"

"You don't have any other kids, do you?"

"No, you are my sweet only child. This is a surprise!"

A twinge of guilt tugged at Rory. When she had first moved out to California she had called her mother almost every night yet, after she had lost her job and had little new to talk about, she found herself calling less. She felt a rush of a shame every time her mother asked how looking for work was going and what she was doing with her days. Somehow it was easier not to call.

"Well," Rory said. "I've got a surprise."

"You've got a surprise?" Lorelai echoed and then Rory heard her suck in her breath. "Are you pregnant?"

"What?" Rory exclaimed. "No! It's not that kind of surprise, Mom!"

"Oh," Lorelai said, sounding embarrassed. "I'm glad. I'm too young to be a grandmother."

"Mom!"

"Sorry. What is this news?"

"I'm moving back!" Rory told her, feeling strangely nervous. "Logan's been asked to oversee a new division at his boss's office in Connecticut for six months!"

There was a pause and Lorelai asked,

"You're coming home?"

There was a catch to her voice and Rory said anxiously,

"Mom, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Lorelai assured her, her voice still sounding wet. "I'm just happy."

Rory smiled and said softly,

"I'm happy too, Mom."

"I've missed you, kid."

"I've missed you too," Rory said, wishing her mother was in the room instead of just her voice. "I've missed you so much, Mom."

She heard Lorelai laugh, sniffle and ask,

"So this six months thing – will you move back after that or will you stay in Connecticut if things work out?"

"I don't know," Rory admitted. "I need to talk to Logan."

"You haven't talked about it yet?" Lorelai queried, puzzled. "I thought you'd be celebrating."

"We are – I mean, we will," Rory said defensively. "I just wanted to tell you first."

"I'm glad you did," Lorelai said warmly. "I'm going to run to Luke's and tell him right now and then...well, I wouldn't be surprised if Queen Elizabeth will be at Emily and Richard's for the party they'll throw you, and that's not discounting the Pope."

Rory laughed.

"How are they?"

"They're fine. They'll be even better once I tell them the news. I'm telling Luke first though."

"Say hi to him from me," Rory said, feeling sad again and her mother said cheerfully,

"You can tell him hi yourself soon. He's going to be so happy. He's going to make a special menu just for your coming home."

"True love right there," Rory joked but her mother said seriously,

"He's missed you kid. We all have."

Rory fell silent. She wanted to say something, remark on how she missed everyone too but found she couldn't speak.

"Rory? You still there?"

Rory shook herself and said hastily,

"Sorry, I'm here."

"I thought we might have got cut off. I'll let you go, anyway, and start celebrating."

"Right," Rory said, trying to lighten her voice. "I'll call you when I know more."

"I'll hold you to that. Say hi to Logan from me."

"I will. Love you, Mom."

"You too. Bye, sweets."

Rory heard the phone being put down but she didn't get up straightaway. She sat still on the bed and caught sight of the clock on the bedside table. It was after six. Rory couldn't believe so much had changed in less than an hour.

She got up from the bed, sweat trickling down her legs from her blue-print skirt. It was only late spring yet it was more like midsummer. The heat permeated the apartment, curling in the corners and Rory found Logan with his shirt sleeves rolled up and his tie loosened in a way to evade the heat.

"You could have started dinner," was his greeting as Rory came into the living room. He was lying on the sofa, switching on the television with the remote and flicking through channels.

"I was talking to Mom," Rory said, trying not to snap. "It's big news, Logan."

"You didn't know about the big news until just now," Logan retorted. "You could have started dinner before I got back."

"I was busy!"

"Doing what?" Logan snapped and an unwilling blush permeated Rory's cheeks. He didn't notice and added, "I'm the one at work all day. If you don't want to cook, get a maid."

"I don't want to get a maid."

"Why not?" Logan asked irritably. "You keep saying how we don't need one, that it's just us, but you don't do anything! I come home and nothing's been done!"

"Excuse me, I just did a load of your laundry this afternoon!"

"It's _our_ laundry and I don't see any dinner," Logan said snidely. "Can we stop arguing and start eating?"

Rory wanted to snap back but she stopped herself and she said evenly,

"Logan, why don't we go out for dinner? Go to a restaurant or just get takeout?"

"I'm tired and takeout stinks out the apartment," Logan said flatly. "There's groceries, aren't there?"

"But – it just doesn't seem very special," Rory said weakly. "Shouldn't we be celebrating?"

Her husband looked at her.

"Celebrate what?" he asked simply. "Connecticut is cold, wet and no place I want to be. I don't want to go back there and we have to move in three weeks. It's the worst news I've had all year."

Rory watched him silently and he turned up the volume of the show he was watching so there wasn't room for conversation.

"Start dinner, would you?" he asked, kicking his shoes off. "I don't care what it is."

Rory looked at him for a moment. Her husband's face was focused on the screen with bored concentration, laughing at the meagre jokes peppered in the dialogue but he was lost to Rory. She silently got up, went to the kitchen and threw together a dinner.

It wasn't much of a celebration. They ate the mashed potato and chicken Rory had made, with the help of instant recipes, and drank the wine Rory had found in order to make the meal feel more special. Logan didn't comment on it and he yawned and burped throughout. Rory was silent before eventually asking,

"What're we going to do with this place?"

"How'd you mean?"

"If we aren't going to live here, what are we going to do with it? Sublet it?"

"I guess," Logan said briefly. "You could stay here, if you wanted."

Rory stared at him in disbelief.

"You're kidding."

"It's only for six months and I'd fly back on weekends."

"No way! We're married, I don't want to have a long distance relationship again," Rory said determinedly. "And anyhow – I want to go back to Connecticut. I've already told Mom."

"You would," Logan said, in an almost accusatory tone. "You've got that crazy town waiting."

"Stars Hollow isn't crazy," Rory said defensively, annoyed at her husband's look. "Maybe a little but not in a bad way."

"If you say so."

Rory opened her mouth and decided it wasn't worth arguing the point.

"What did your dad say when you told him?"

"I wouldn't know," Logan said. "I haven't told Mitchum yet."

"You haven't? But he's your dad?"

"I'll catch him tomorrow," Logan shrugged. "Send him an email tomorrow. I dare say Mother Dearest will throw us a party."

Rory looked down; she hadn't thought of that. Logan's family was the one part she didn't miss about Connecticut. They had gone to his mother's house last Christmas and, from the way she glared at Rory throughout dinner, Rory was almost scared to eat her food in case it had been poisoned.

"I'll figure it all out tomorrow," Logan said decisively, getting up. "Thanks for the dinner, Ace."

He left the table and Rory to wash up. She loaded the dishwasher without complaint, set it off, and stared out of the kitchen window at the moon sighing in the sky. It looked different here, as though California had its own constellation.

Logan made business calls after work. Rory could hear him ranting loudly as she watched a movie but she couldn't concentrate besides. They went to bed early and Logan started to kiss and touch her. Rory kissed him back but wasn't enjoying it and neither, it seemed, was he. She gently pushed him aside and said,

"Do you mind if we don't, tonight? I have a headache."

"Okay," Logan said, after a pause. "I'm kind of tired too. I just thought...you said we should celebrate."

"We can celebrate tomorrow."

"Okay," Logan said, sounding almost relieved. "Goodnight, Ace.

"Goodnight, Logan."

They lay apart and Rory shut her eyes. Soon she heard her husband's gentle snores but, tired though she was, she found the familiar insomnia and was awake long into the night. The excitement had become a dormant buzz. Her husband lay unconscious beside her, the heat pressed onto Rory, hemming her in and refused to let go.


	3. Chapter 3

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The following fortnight went by in a flash. Arrangements were made, phonecalls were placed and Logan found an apartment in Hartford. Their own apartment would be rented out to a friend of Logan's, allowing flexibility over when and if they would move back. Six months was still the contract but there was a possibility that they would stay.

Rory wondered, during these fraught weeks, if she should feel sad that they were moving. She had lived in California for two years, the only state she had lived in while married to Logan, yet it had never felt like home. She had no family, no job and no friends to call her own. There had been people at work she had felt fond with, ate lunch with now and talked meeting up outside work. Rory had lost her job and with it her friendship. Somehow the coffee they had planned on never came to pass and Rory was solitary once more.

In a lot of ways this didn't matter. Rory had never enjoyed spending time in large groups yet, as the only time spent away from the apartment was through walking or shopping, she began to miss company. Rory missed having someone just to sit down and talk to and she found herself surfing the net, seeing if there were any people out there in a similar frame of mind.

It appeared that there weren't. There were several groups for mothers and wives, most of whom hoping to become the former, but there didn't seem to be any for young women who were just out of college and unsure of their lives. Rory joined a site made up of women in their twenties but after a few tentative posts she sensed that she didn't fit in. Most were either beginning careers or marriage and, when Rory remarked that she felt a little lonely in her role as wife she received replies which were either dismissive or of a rather crude nature. Rory logged off and decided that net wasn't the place for her.

There were Logan's friends, of course, or rather their wives. Every few months Logan would throw a cocktail party, or they would be guests, and after the general mingling the room would settle into two halves, women on one and men on another. It reminded Rory of a Jane Austen novel and, as she would sip her martini, she wished she had Emma Woodhouse or Eliza Bennet for company instead of her fellow guests. One evening, several hours in with drinks to match, the party was starting to die. Rory glanced over at Logan, who was making shoptalk with his friends, and stared back down at her drink. She had deliberately made it strong but it was too bitter to drink.

"Rory?"

Rory jumped and a peal of laughter broke out. She looked up and saw Tania, who was married to a man in Logan's office, grinning at her. All the other women were giggling into their drinks, reminding Rory, inexplicably, of study hall afternoons at Stars Hollow High.

"We were telling each other how we lost our virginity," Tania said wickedly, glancing back at the group. "Seeing who has the best story."

"Oh," Rory said awkwardly. She looked back down at her drink, knowing the hint wouldn't be taken.

"Come on Mrs Huntzberger," Tania needled. "You don't get a pass, we've all shared. It's your turn!"

Rory didn't bother correcting her on the name. She stared for a moment at the green sheen of her dress before saying shortly,

"It was with my first boyfriend."

"That's so sweet!" Tania exclaimed. "With your high school sweetheart? I take it he wasn't Logan."

The group erupted into giggles again and Rory said,

"No – well, he was my high school sweetheart, but I wasn't in high school."

She didn't know why she was explaining. She didn't want to tell them this, share her story, but she found herself adding,

"I was nineteen and his name was Dean."

"Of course it wasn't _Logan_!" a woman named Mara exclaimed. "As if he was ever a high school sweetheart! That's cute. Did you want to wait until you were in college?"

"No," Rory said, her cheeks hot. "We broke up for a while and I was with someone else."

"Someone else?" Tania echoed. "Who?"

"A guy called Jess," Rory said uncomfortably. "I liked him a lot but no one else did...he left without telling me and I ended up with Dean again."

"Sounds kind of unreliable," someone named Kim remarked. "Was Dean steady?"

"I guess." Rory's cheeks felt hot and she looked down at her drink again.

"So how did it happen?" Tania asked bossily. "Was it in your dorm? How was it? Was it awful? You know, mine was the worst."

"It was in my bedroom at home," Rory said, gripping the glass. "He came over and it just...sort of happened. It wasn't terrible but it wasn't great."

"No one's first time is _great_," Mara said wickedly. "Still, it's kind of romantic that it was with your first love. Did you love him?"

"I did," Rory said honestly. She looked at the laughing woman beside her, thinking back to that night, and how she hadn't been his sweetheart any longer and how really they weren't in love, but she didn't tell them any of it. She wondered what they would say if she added that he had been married to someone other than her, that after it had happened she had run outside crying and wished it was all different, but decided to keep it to herself.

"It sounds like you lost yours in the perfect way, Rory," Kim said, in a voice which patronised fondly. "Not like mine. I was sixteen and did it to impress a guy."

"I was twenty-one and did it to impress a friend."

"I did it because I was bored."

"How much does a first time matter?" Rory mused out loud. "It's still sex after all."

They turned to her in surprise and she felt her cheeks go red, picked up her drink and swallowed it in one.

Cocktail parties were not her favourite but they did break monotony. Rory felt suffocated in the apartment. After the fiasco of the internet group she searched for local groups in her area, not entirely sure what she was looking for. As she expected, most of these were coffee mornings for mothers, but she did go to a morning for people who were new to the area. It was not enjoyable. Rory sipped coffee with people who were enthusiastic about hiking, knitting and scrapbooking and silently counted the minutes until she could go home. It was the Puffs all over again. Chilton had taught her that she and socialising were a poor mix and Rory let out a sigh of relief when she picked up her purse to go. It wasn't that she wanted a large group of friends, she thought, it was that she just needed one. She missed her mother, she missed Lane, she missed Paris and her biting wit but the only friend she had here was Logan and he was never home. Rory called them, sometimes, her old friends, but Lane was busy with motherhood and Paris with medicine and it felt that they were humouring her at times while she relayed her lack of news.

Soon she would see them all again. Rory had called Lane the week before, who had shrieked with excitement, and Paris, who had said they should catch up sometime. Paris didn't go for shrieking and Rory smiled to herself as she packed up boxes. She couldn't wait to see her and hear her blunt tone though Rory wasn't sure that she would come away unscathed. Paris always had interesting news to tell her – fascinating projects to work on and making breakthrough research – and all she would have to say was that she had found a new route to the beach or had a disaster baking. She could almost hear the disapproval in Paris's silence but she merely said that the West Coast sounded less exciting than Stars Hollow, which was no mean feat. Rory would laugh and change the subject but sometimes she wanted to keep Paris on the phone, ask what she really thought and why she was holding back. She wondered if there was something she was missing.

Logan was a lot less excited. He let Rory pack his things, claiming to be beat from the office and coming home extremely late. Dinner would be spoiled but Rory didn't care. She was leaving, going home, bidding farewell to this state which seemed so stale and would soon see her mother again. She wanted to see Lorelai much more than Paris and had even talked Logan into staying at her house until the apartment was ready a week later. Logan had sighed, acquiesced and smiled at her and Rory had hugged him tightly, feeling a fierce rush of love. The move meant more than just going back to Rory and, even though they were retracing their steps, going back where they started, it seemed to Rory they were heading somewhere new and exotic.

"Your ways are lost on me," Logan teased. "Have you forgotten what it's like in Connecticut?"

Despite his unhappiness at having to move Logan seemed a lot more cheerful during the last week before they moved. He said it was good to see Rory how she used to be and, as she was so elated at it being a matter of days before going home, she didn't stop, sit down and ask her husband what he meant and how she seemed different. Rory looked in the mirror that night as she removed her makeup and wondered what Logan was trying to say. Was she different since they had left Connecticut? She had grown up, she supposed, but not so much since their wedding. She frowned at the mirror, her face bare, and she felt for a moment that she was looking at her young, inquisitive self of sixteen. She felt scared, suddenly, and bent down to splash water over her skin. When she glanced back up she looked like herself again.

It was time to go. They locked the apartment door and pocketed the keys: there was a spare set for the friend. Rory picked up her purse and looked over the wall at the avocado tree. Though she hadn't eaten from it for months she felt sad to leave it, it had been the thing she liked most at their new home. Last night, when Logan was sleeping, she had snuck out and eaten from it one last time. The fruit had tasted old in her mouth, almost sorrowful, and Rory felt tearful as she tiptoed back to bed. She hoped it would prosper alone.

They didn't talk much on the way to the airport. Logan played music from an approved selection (he disliked most of Rory and Lorelai's taste and whistled under his breath, tapping his fingers on the wheel. It was a trait which annoyed Rory but today she didn't care. She leaned out of the window and called out farewells to everything as they passed.

"Could you quit doing that?" Logan asked eventually. "It's so annoying."

"Not like you whistling out of tune."

Logan shook his head and Rory called,

"Goodbye, town!"as they reached the freeway and Logan rolled his eyes, pulling her back down into her seat.

"God," he snapped. "You're like a five-year-old."

Rory was so happy she didn't care. She called her mother as Logan negotiated the road and soon they were at the airport and ready to board. They got into their seats, listened to the safety warnings and turned their electrics off. Rory smiled as they began to ascend. She reached for Logan's hand but it was clenched in his lap, his eyes shut and he was leaning away from her. Rory smiled, exhaled and closed her eyes too. It was time to go home.


	4. Chapter 4

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The plane brushed and settled on the ground with a loud rush. Rory stirred from her half-sleep and Logan shook her arm slightly.

"Hey, Ace," he said gently. "We're here."

"Here?" Rory echoed groggily. It had been a long flight. They had flown straight for five hours before disembarking at Cleveland for their connecting flight. The layover had been almost two hours and, by the time they had stepped onto the plane, Rory was falling asleep. She didn't know what time it was but it felt very late. A glance at Logan's watch showed it was just after two.

The plane had settled and people were getting to their feet, impatiently forming a line. Logan stood up, pulling Rory with him, and she winced at the cramp in her legs. She yawned widely, too tired to suppress it, and followed her husband down the gangway. She knew they were back in Connecticut yet it still felt like a dream.

It was raining as they walked down the steps. The water washed Rory's face, waking her up and she breathed in the cool air, stopping and closing her eyes. She gripped the metal rail and soaked in the welcome of her home state. Logan gave her a nudge.

"You're holding up the line," he said impatiently. Rory smiled apologetically and hurried down the last of the steps.

Rory slid back into her reverie once they were inside the airport. She read the sign Welcome to Hartford, Connecticut! but barely took the words in, she could be anywhere in the world. She let Logan lead the way, get the bags from luggage disposal and blearily wondered if this whole trip was a dream and she would wake up in their San Francisco apartment.

"Rory?"

Rory blinked and opened her eyes. Logan was standing beside her with three suitcases and she moved to pick one up. Logan took it from her.

"I got it," he said impatiently. "Let's go."

They pushed through the crowd to the exit. Rory stumbled along, wondering if the door would ever appear when suddenly they were outside, back in the fresh air and a person was waiting with a beam on her face and thrill to her voice.

"Rory!"

"Mom!" Rory shrieked. She ran towards her, her tiredness instantly evaporating and threw herself into her arms. "Mom!"

"Hey, you," Lorelai said fondly, her voice shaking slightly as she hugged her daughter tightly to her chest. "It's about time."

"What are you doing here?" Rory asked, looking up with her eyes shining. "I thought we were seeing you tomorrow."

"So did I," Logan said. "I thought that was the plan."

He was grinning but his voice was suspicious and there was a glare to his eye.

"As if I'd miss my daughter coming home!" Lorelai exclaimed. "And my son-in-law, of course," she added hastily, looking at Logan who smiled but didn't say anything.

"But it's so late, Mom," Rory argued. "You must be exhausted!"

"Not as exhausted as you, travelling for hours in a stinky plane!"

"It wasn't so stinky. I was asleep for most of it."

"Okay, a semi-stinky flight. Are you mad at me for coming?" Lorelai teased and Rory shook her head fiercely.

"It was great of you to come, Lorelai," Logan cut in. "But I feel bad – we were going to grab a cab and book a room someplace. I feel like you drove out here for nothing."

"Oh, you guys can't stay in a room!" Lorelai exclaimed staring at them. "No way! I'll drive you back and you can sleep at my place. You're going to until the apartment's ready, anyhow."

"Logan, let's go to Mom's," Rory said pleadingly, seeing her husband about to brush off the offer. "Please? I'm tired and I don't want to drive to some hotel."

"Even a five star one?" Logan joked wearily and sighed. "Fine. Thanks, Lorelai."

"No problem," Lorelai said breezily, taking one of the suitcases he had put down. "Sorry to act like the interfering mother-in-law."

Logan laughed but he didn't contradict. Instead, he carried the other two suitcases to the car and threw them into the trunk with a little more force than necessary. As he helped Rory into the back she suddenly found herself about to whisper an apology before stopping herself. Why should it matter to Logan if they weren't going to a hotel? Surely it was better? They were too tired to do anything but sleep. She looked over at Logan, whose mouth was set in a firm line. He looked away out of the window and Rory wished she was sitting upfront.

It was too dark to see anything but she sat up as they reached Stars Hollow. The gazebo was just visible and Rory's heart gave a great leap as they passed Kim's Antiques, though Lane was long gone. Ghosts of memory screamed out at her and for a moment she expected to see her young self sitting with her best friend, content with all in the world. Rory stared and though they quickly drove away the feeling was far from gone.

The world wasn't stirring as they got out of the car. Stars Hollow was asleep and there was a hush to the air as Lorelai fumbled for her key and unlatched the door. Rory wearily leaned on Logan's shoulder as she opened it before stepping over the threshold. The house was in darkness but before Lorelai could switch on the light there was a loud _woof!_

"It's Paul Anka," Lorelai said apologetically, turning the lights on and going to comfort him. "Hey, boy, look who it is! Look who's back!"

Rory went over to him, bending down and holding her hands out for him to sniff.

"It's me," she told him, looking into his eyes. "Remember me?"

Paul Aka sniffed her hands suspiciously before giving them a lick and letting out an approving bark. Rory smiled in relief and rubbed his head, looking over her shoulder at Logan.

"Come say hi," she told him.

"Can't it wait until morning?"

"No," Rory said stoutly. "He needs to know your scent."

"This is why I wanted to go to a hotel," Logan muttered under his breath. Rory couldn't tell if he intended her to hear or not but she didn't say anything. Silently, she stepped aside and watched Logan bend down and stroke his head. Paul Anka let out a sound which was halfway between a growl and bark.

"You need to let him sniff your hands!" Lorelai exclaimed. Logan nodded impatiently and grudgingly did so. The dog sniffed and let Logan rub his head again but he still looked suspicious and retreated to his basket once Logan had stood up.

"I've made the beds up," Lorelai told them. "I don't know if you guys wanted to go to sleep right away or not, but I could make some coffee?"

"No thanks," Logan said as Rory opened her mouth to accept. "We're pretty tired."

"Sure," Lorelai said quickly. "Well, it's all yours. I bought fresh toothbrushes as well so you don't have to go through your stuff."

"Thanks, Mom," Rory said gratefully, hugging her again. "You're the best."

"I was happy to do it," Lorelai said, kissing the top of her head. "Night, kid."

"Night, Mom."

"Sleep well," Lorelai said to Logan, who nodded. "I'm going to crash too."

They watched her head upstairs before going into Rory's room. A breath caught in Rory's throat: her room was exactly the same, there and waiting for her. The lamp was on, casting a gentle glow across the room and Rory laughed as she saw a pair of her old, flannel pyjamas washed and folded for her on her pillow.

"What am I supposed to wear?" Logan grumbled, looking at the trundle bed. Rory folded her arms and said,

"We brought stuff to sleep in – you thought we were going to a hotel anyway."

"I know."

"So why are you complaining?" Rory asked irritably. "It's a nice thing, what Mom did."

"I never said it wasn't, Rory!"

"You're acting pissed," Rory said truthfully, making Logan scowl. "You're tired and you're taking it out on me."

"I'm not, it's just – we could have just gone to a hotel."

"Isn't this better?" Rory asked, confused. "We'd have to find somewhere and pay some stupid amount –"

"Like I don't have the cash!"

"Logan, we'd have to come here tomorrow anyway," Rory said firmly. "And I'd sooner stay here tonight than a random room, no matter how good it was. I'm tired and I want to go to sleep."

"From the way you and Lorelai were talking I thought you'd be up all night."

"Why didn't you let me say yes to the coffee?"

"I didn't stop you," Logan said. "Besides, I thought you were exhausted."

Rory looked at him. His T-shirt and jacket were rumpled and he looked like he was daring her to argue. She shook her head and folded her arms.

"I am. It doesn't matter. Let's just go to sleep."

"Fine. I'm going to use my _exciting_ new toothbrush."

He left the room, stepping a little too loudly and making Paul Anka bark again. Rory sighed, turned back round and pulled on her pyjamas. She hadn't worn them for so long they felt new and, as she looked round at the familiar posters and bookshelves she could fool herself that she was still sixteen and had Chilton in the morning. The illusion was shattered as Logan returned, complaining about the coolness of the water.

The house was dead as Rory washed her face. It was a different bathroom to the one she had grown up with but the house still felt the same. She tiptoed back down the stairs, into her bedroom and fell into a dreamless sleep.

She opened her eyes the next morning and stared around, wondering where she was. She looked at the cheerfully decorated walls, utterly confused, before remembering and swinging her legs out of bed. It wasn't a dream, she was really here and she jumped up and pulled the robe on that was hanging on the door for her. The trundle bed was empty so Logan must be up.

Lorelai was sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee ready. Rory let out an exclamation of joy and sat down beside her, closing her eyes and taking a sip. She felt as though she was visiting heaven.

"Good to be home?" Lorelai asked and Rory opened her eyes to see her grinning.

"Definitely," she said. "I'm glad we came here instead of some hotel."

"Logan seemed a little less thrilled," Lorelai remarked and Rory felt a blush of shame.

"Sorry," she said guiltily. "He was just tired. Do you know where he is?"

"Bathroom," Lorelai said and Rory heard water run through the pipes. "He'll be down in a sec."

"Thanks for these," Rory said, indicating her sleepwear. "Only the coolest thing to sleep in."

"Hey, I've always envied your flannel pyjamas. I was going to put out something cooler but these were already there."

"Oh, sure," Rory beamed. "Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime, kid."

They stopped to drink some more coffee and looked up at the sound of feet on the stairs. Logan had finished in the bathroom and yawned as he joined them, his hair damp at the edges.

"Good shower?" Rory asked and he nodded wordlessly. "Sit and have some coffee."

Logan sat down and took a cup but he didn't say anything. Lorelai let him drink a little before saying,

"Okay, guys, how's this for a plan? Rory'll get dressed and we'll head to Luke's for some breakfast. How does that sound?"

"Great!" Rory exclaimed and Logan shrugged. "What? You don't want to go?"

"I was going to make some business calls."

"And you can't do that later?" Rory asked, frustrated. "It's nine AM!"

"You can't sleep in the business world."

Rory sat back in her seat, disappointed. Logan hesitated and then said,

"Why don't you go on ahead and I'll meet you there?"

Rory felt her good mood return.

"That sounds great," she said, kissing his cheek. "I'll save a seat for you."

He smiled and kissed her back. Rory was sure he looked relieved as they left but decided not to think about why. Instead, she took her mother's hand and strode to the diner. She was home.


	5. Chapter 5

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It was a fresh, clear morning. The day was dull but it made Rory smile to breathe in the familiar smell of rain and look up at the clouded sky. She couldn't remember the last time California had been anything other than azure. The ground was still damp and Rory felt a childish happiness as she jumped over a puddle.

"Good sleep?" Lorelai asked, laughing at her and Rory smiled and nodded.

"The best."

"Good. I didn't know how comfortable the bed would be."

"Mom, I slept it since I was ten, it's pretty comfortable."

"Yes, but you haven't been back for a while," Lorelai said. "I thought you'd be used to a double bed by now."

Rory shrugged and stuck her hands in her pockets. Lorelai draped an arm around her and kissed her cheek.

"Hey," she said fondly. "Have I told you how happy I am that you're home?"

"You might have hinted a bit," Rory grinned and Lorelai squeezed her arm.

"Because I'm happy," she told her. "Happy as in _insane_ happy, so happy that I want to dance through the woods!"

"I'm surprised you haven't done that yet!" Rory told her and they both burst into laughter as they strolled into the diner, jangling the bell which hung over the door.

Luke had his back to them and, as they approached the counter, they heard him said in a harried voice,

"Take a seat, I'll take your order in a minute."

"That's not the service I'm used to," Rory said, grinning. Luke's back froze and then he turned around slowly with a look of disbelief on his face.

"Rory?" he exclaimed, going around the counter to hug her. "What are you doing here?"

"Mom didn't tell you I was coming?" Rory asked, hugging Luke and looking at her mother's beaming face. Luke released her and said,

"She did but I didn't expect you until tomorrow!"

"We crashed at Mom's. You're not mad, are you?"

"Am I mad?" Luke echoed angrily, shaking his head as he realised Rory was teasing. "I wrote a whole new menu for you, a mad guy doesn't do that."

"I thought Mom was kidding!"

"She bullied me into it," Luke coughed and Lorelai whispered,

"He's been planning it for years!"

"Look, it doesn't matter," Luke said firmly, still holding Rory's hands. "Why are we talking about food? Let me see you."

He looked Rory up and down, making her slightly embarrassed, and she waited for his familiar words of, _you look good._ He didn't say anything and she asked nervously,

"Do I look bad?"

"What?" Luke asked, glancing away. "No – you look great!"

"You didn't say I look good like you normally do."

"Well, it just didn't seem like the right word," Luke said, smiling awkwardly. "With your new clothes and fancy jewellery..."

Rory looked down. Besides her wedding ring she had two silver which she wore on her other hand and a clasped bracelet Logan had bought her a few months ago after a fight. She suddenly felt out of place in her cream blouse and black pants.

"It's really good to see you," Luke said quickly, sensing that he had said the wrong thing. "We've missed you so much Rory, you've no idea."

He hugged her again and Rory hugged him tightly back. It felt so wonderful to see him again, Luke, with his uniform of flannel shirt and backwards baseball cap and she said in a muffled voice,

"I never want you to change."

"What?" Luke asked, sounding concerned but keeping his voice light. "What do you mean, Rory?"

"I think she's delirious from hunger," Lorelai cut in. "As am I!"

"I want to sample something from my menu!" Rory said happily. "Are those chocolate chip pancakes?"

"With strawberries and whipped cream," Luke said proudly, pouring them some coffee. "Coming right up."

Lorelai and Rory got up to find a table and he asked curiously,

"Hey, shouldn't this be breakfast for three? Where's the husband?"

Rory thought she heard dismissal in his last words but she ignored it and said,

"Logan's coming later. He's got business stuff to do."

"Right," Luke said, sounding normal again. "The table by the window's free – I know that's your favourite."

"Right," Rory said, feeling puzzled, and she followed her mother to the corner. Luke brought their food over shortly and, with happy exclamations, they began to dig in.

"So tell me," Lorelai said, after most of the food was gone. "How's the job hunt going?"

Rory shifted awkwardly in her seat.

"Um," she said, playing with the fork. "It's going."

"Going...how?" Lorelai asked, putting her own fork. "Good? Bad?"

Rory shrugged and said,

"Somewhere inbetween."

"Okay," Lorelai said, sounding confused. "Have you had any interviews recently?"

"Not for a while," Rory said uncomfortably. In truth, she could not remember when she had last sent out a job application but she didn't want to have that conversation here and now, right in the middle of her celebratory breakfast. "So...how's the Dragonfly?"

"It's fine," Lorelai said, sounding suspicious at the sudden change of subject. "The usual. Big party of hikers came in last week, tramped in mud and Michel freaked out, all systems normal."

"Great."

"Yes."

"Is it busy right now?" Rory probed and her mother looked at her.

"Rory –"

The door suddenly burst open before Lorelai could ask any further. Kirk tripped over his own feet, after failing to walk in his inflatable pants which he himself had invented, and conversation turned to that and his failed endeavour. He greeted Rory from the floor, who pulled him up, and told her all about how he and Lulu were trying for a baby.

"Really?" Rory asked excitedly. "What'll you call it?"

"Well, it will depend on if it's a boy or girl."

"Right," Rory said. "So if it's a boy...?"

"Kirk," Kirk said cheerfully. "Boy Kirk."

"And if it's a girl?"

"Lulu," Kirk said, sounding confused. "What else would we call her?"

"You don't want something original?"

Kirk straightened up, which was not an easy task, and said haughtily,

"Original's overrated, isn't it, _Lorelai_?"

Rory opened and shut her mouth. Kirk nodded, turned, and attempted a grand exit, hampered by tripping again. They watched him pull himself up and stumble away and then Lorelai burst into laughter.

"He had you there."

"Shut up."

"We could just call each other by our middle names – I'll be Victoria and you'll be Leigh, how's that?"

"Fantastic," Rory said grumpily and her mother said cheerfully,

"Not that I won't be incredibly crushed and disappointed if you don't call your daughter Lorelai."

Rory smiled but the pancakes suddenly seemed to form a cold lump in her stomach. Lorelai looked at her, concerned.

"You okay, sweetie?"

Before Rory could try to answer Lorelai's phone went off. She took it out of her pocket, Luke exclaimed _outside!_ and Lorelai rolled her eyes as she got up, patting Rory on the arm as she went.

Luke sat down in Lorelai's empty seat, smiling at Rory and shaking his head.

"It's gone to a whole new level, Rory. Now she's bugging me to install wifi!"

Rory smiled but didn't say anything. Luke seemed to take her quietness for tiredness as he asked,

"Long trip?"

"Long enough."

He nodded and Rory suddenly felt rude.

"How have you been, Luke?" she asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't even ask."

"Oh, that's okay," Luke said, sounding surprised. "There isn't that much to tell. Same old. Yelling at your mom about her cellphone. Telling Kirk not to sell whatever crazy invention he's come up with next."

Rory nodded, sipped her coffee and coughed as Luke remarked casually,

"I spoke to Jess last week."

"Jess?" Rory asked stupidly and he nodded.

"He's coming to stay."

Rory put her cup down and stared.

"For how long?"

"I'm not sure," Luke said. "At the moment it's two weeks. Something to do with the Truncheon."

"Wow," Rory said weakly. "When's he coming?"

"Saturday."

Rory stared at her cup, hot prickles making their way across her spine, and Luke added,

"Isn't it great though? You'll have a chance to catch up."

"Yeah," Rory said stupidly. "Great."

Luke nodded and then said thoughtfully,

"This'll sound dumb, but I always thought you'd stay together when you were kids."

"Really?"Rory asked, curious in spite of herself and Luke said,

"You seemed to have a bond. I mean, I know that was mostly insane amounts of teenage hormones, but...I don't know. You seemed to know each other, like _really_ know each other."

Rory didn't say anything but looked down, suddenly unwilling to look at him.

"I'm sorry," Luke said quickly, sounding ashamed. "I shouldn't be saying stuff like that."

"Oh – it's okay."

"No, it's not, you're married, I'm being completely inappropriate."

"It's fine," Rory assured him and he smiled, looking embarrassed.

"I guess it's all in the past now. You know, it never stops sounding strange to remember you're married. When I think of you I still remember that kid who'd come in and take up three tables with books"

"It feels weird to me too," Rory admitted and he coughed.

"That's a long time ago now, you're all grown up and living in a whole other state. And Logan's a great guy," Luke said hastily and Rory nodded automatically.

"Of course he is."

"Here he comes," Luke said, looking out of the window at the tall blond man making his way up the path. "I'll leave you in peace."

Logan walked in with Lorelai, who groaned and threw her purse down in a dramatic fashion.

"My mother," she said wearily. "Has figured out, through what must be her witch powers, that you're back early and wants us to come to dinner tonight."

"Oh," Rory said weakly and she nodded unhappily.

"That's about right. I'm going to get more coffee – I think I need triple the caffeine dose tonight."

She made her way to the counter and Logan opened a menu, an amused expression on his face.

"What's the best kind of breakfast pancake?"

"Why don't you try something from the Rory menu?" Rory suggested cheerfully. He looked at her and laughed.

"A _Rory_ menu?" he asked, shaking his head. "What the hell is that?"

After Luke's Logan said he had to go to Hartford to check some stuff out about the apartment.

"If we go now, we can beat traffic," he said, looking at his watch. Rory hesitated.

"Do we both have to go?"

"I guess not," Logan said, sounding confused. "I mean, it's just paperwork."

"Don't you want to see the apartment?" Lorelai asked but Rory shrugged.

"I'll see it next week. I saw pictures online."

"If you're sure," Logan said, shrugging as well. "They only need my signature, I guess. It'll take a few hours. I've got a car booked."

"I'll hang out here," Rory said firmly. "Do you mind?"

"Of course I don't mind," Logan said, kissing her cheek. "I'll see you later, Ace."

They watched him walk away and Lorelai turned to Rory.

"I'm surprised," she said. "Don't you want to see where you're going to live?"

"I'll see it soon enough," Rory said, putting her hands in her pockets. "I want to hang out with you."

Lorelai's frown changed to a wide smile and she said happily,

"Now that I can get behind!"

They walked slowly back to the house. Lorelai made a pot of coffee but, just as they were about to sit down and talk, the phone rang. It was the Dragonfly and Rory wandered into her bedroom, the mug hot in her hands.

It was as though time had stood still in the room. Rory sipped at the hot liquid and ran her hands over the books on the shelf, books she had once considered her greatest friends. She thought about taking a book out to read but she couldn't choose. Her eyes settled on the spine of _Franny and Zooey_ and she remembered how, years ago, she and Jess would talk for hours about it. Many of the miscellaneous titles on the shelf were owed to his recommendations. Rory remembered that he was coming back soon and a flush filled her cheeks which had nothing to do with the coffee. She wondered what he would say to her, how he would look at her, if, like Luke had, with an almost sad look in his eyes. Rory bit her lip and sat down at her old desk. A glance inside the drawer showed that she still had her Chilton chemistry textbook and she got it out to read.

The door opened, making Rory jump and spill coffee.

"Sorry," Lorelai winced as Rory mopped it up. "Rory, I have to go to the Dragonfly, I'm sorry. There's a problem with one of the rooms."

"Oh – okay."

"I'm sorry," Lorelai said guiltily. "I know you were looking forward to hanging out."

"It's okay," Rory said, looking around her. "I can hang out here."

"Doing homework?" Lorelai asked, catching sight of the book. Rory got up, embarrassed, and Lorelai paused at the door.

"What?" Rory asked.

"Rory, don't – don't sit in here all day, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I think you should go out," Lorelai said. "Go see Lane or something. She must be excited that you're home."

"Right," Rory said quietly and Lorelai added,

"I just hate to think of you sitting here all day in the dark."

"Mom, I'm fine," Rory said, surprised. "Besides, you and Logan will be back soon anyway."

"I know, it's just – why don't you go see Lane?"

Her mother looked anxious and Rory frowned.

"Okay, I will. I was going to anyway."

"Need a ride?" Lorelai asked, sounding bright again and Rory shook her head.

"No, I'll walk. See you later, Mom."

"See you, sweets."

Rory waited until she heard the jeep drive away before getting her jacket. She slipped it on, looked back over her shoulder and closed the desk drawer. It seemed like the desk was still waiting for someone, someone ready to sit and learn. Rory sighed, left the house and headed to Lane's.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory started up the street. She walked past the sign for Kim's Antiques and had to stop herself from automatically going through the gate or, as she glanced upwards with a grin, climbing the tree. It had been years since Lane had lived at home yet Rory somehow imagined her there still, crosslegged on her bed with forbidden music all around her.

Lane had moved out years ago. Rory took a big sigh and walked on to where she lived now, a few blocks away, with Zach and her children. Lane's life circled around little else these days though she held defensively to the fact that Hep Alien were still together, even if rather through name than practise.

Rory walked up to the newly painted black door and stopped her hand before knocking. She ran a hand hesitantly through her hair and a sweated palm on her pants before shaking herself – nervous to see_ Lane_? – and knocking smartly on the door. There was a scuffle, a baby's cry and then Lane opened the door. Her brow was creased with tiredness and she looked ready to snap but as she saw her friend her frown instantly melted into a smile.

"Rory!"

"Hey!" Rory exclaimed, hugging Lane tightly. "How are you?"

"How am _I_?" Lane laughed, leading her inside. "I'm fine, how are you? I had no idea you were back, I wasn't expecting you for another couple of days."

"We got to Stars Hollow early."

Rory followed Lane into the living room, almost tripping over one of the many brightly plastic toys which littered the floor. Lane winced and picked it up.

"Sorry."

"Lane, I'm the one who dropped by without being asked. I'm sorry, I should have called."

"Are you kidding?" Lane beamed. "This is the best surprise since – I don't know when. How are you? How's Logan?"

"He's fine. We're both fine."

"And I'm fine," Lane said happily. "Now that we've cleared that up, do you want some tea?"

"I'd love some," Rory said, sitting down on the couch. The house seemed unnaturally quiet and she asked curiously,

"Where are the boys?"

"With Mama," Lane said, putting the kettle on the stove. "She looks after them for a couple of hours every afternoon, it's a lifesaver. I know I complained about her a lot growing up but I swear, Rory, I'd lose my mind without her help, especially now there's three of them."

Lane had had another baby at the start of the year. Rory had gone to see her as soon as possible but it hadn't stopped the stab of guilt of missing another birth of Lane's children. The baby had been a girl and Rory bought her a pink elephant.

"Where's Nico?" Rory asked. The girl's namesake was after the musician or an obscure saint, depending on if you were talking in front of Mrs Kim or not.

"Sleeping," Lane said, hastily lowering her voice. "Do you want to see her?"

"I don't want to wake her up," Rory said. She expected Lane to say they could peek around the door but her friend looked thankful and said,

"Everything wakes that kid up, just glancing at her. Now that you're back you'll see a ton of her!"

Rory smiled at the happiness in Lane's voice. The kettle began to whistle and Lane got up to brew the tea but, just as it was steeping, there was the sound of a baby's cry. Lane groaned.

"Guess you'll see her after all," she said wearily. She went into the next room and came back with the squalling baby, along with Rory's elephant.

"Hi, Nico," Rory said, getting up to see her. "What's wrong?"

"I don't think anything's wrong," Lane said, sitting down on the couch and examining her daughter. "I fed her just before you came and changed her. I think she's just grumpy at being woken up."

"I'm sorry," Rory said guiltily, as Lane rocked her and hummed what sounded like Velvet Underground under her breath. Nico's cries turned to grizzles and then to contented silence.

"Don't be," Lane said, looking anxiously at the baby to see if she would start crying again. "It wasn't you, it was the kettle boiling, she hates it."

"Maybe you need to switch to electric."

"Doubt it would make a difference."

Lane silently rocked Nico and Rory picked up the elephant which had fallen onto the cushion, already beginning to look tired.

"She loves it," Lane smiled. "I put it in her crib every night."

"Isn't she a little young to appreciate a stuffed animal?"

Logan had mocked her choice of gift, saying Rory should have given Lane something more practical. Rory had secretly held the same doubts but she didn't want to give Logan the satisfaction of buying something else and so had stubbornly kept her first gift.

"Of course she's not. She cries if it isn't there. I mean, she cries all the time anyway," Lane added ruefully, "but she cries more without it."

"I'm glad she likes it."

Rory smiled at the baby in Lane's arms and Lane offered,

"Want to hold her?"

"Oh -okay."

Lane gently passed her to her friend and Rory carefully supported the head, silently terrified. She didn't have much practise with babies. The last time she had held one was when a wife of Logan's colleague had given birth and they gone to her house to congratulate her. Rory had only held the baby for a minute and that was enough. Babies were fine when they reached their first birthday, got more robust, but at this stage they seemed to be made of china.

"You okay?" Lane laughed, noticing Rory's tension and she smiled, feeling embarrassed. "You're not going to break her, you're doing great."

"I don't know how to hold a baby."

"Don't let her head hang back, which you're not. Relax."

Rory let out the breath she'd been holding and looked down at Nico. Her impossibly small body was warm in her lap, her legs loose, and she stared up at Rory with tiny eyes, a beautiful sheen of black hair already coating her head. She smelt overpoweringly of baby, which shouldn't be surprising to Rory yet somehow was all the same.

"Hey, little girl," Rory said gently. "Remember me?"

Nico yawned and closed her eyes. Rory tried not to take it personally.

"She loves you," Lane said in a satisfied voice. Rory rolled her eyes.

"I doubt that, she's gone back to sleep."

"Exactly – she feels relaxed around you. She's not with most people."

Rory looked back down at the sleeping baby and then at Lane.

"I'm sorry I missed her being born," she said regretfully. "I wish I could have been there."

"Rory, you live on the other side of the country!" Lane exclaimed. "You came as soon as you could. You couldn't have just moved back for my due date."

"I know. I'm still sorry."

They sat in silence for a while. Nico let out a yawn and fell back asleep.

"Remember when we were kids," Rory said suddenly, "and we planned to have our kids at exactly the same time?"

"That's right!" Lane said, laughing at the memory. "A girl and a boy –"

"The girl first –"

"And the boy second. And they'd be like each other's brothers and sisters," Lane finished for her. "And, naturally, that wouldn't get in a way of me being a world famous rock star and you being a journalist." Her smile faded slightly as she added, "We all know how_ that_ worked out."

"Right," Rory said softly, looking down again. She gently traced the baby's hand, made of impossibly soft skin.

"For one of us anyway," Lane said, her voice cheerful again. "You're out there, living the dream!"

Rory nodded but didn't say anything. Lane looked at her and then asked,

"You're not – are you and Logan planning kids yet?"

Rory looked up in shock and Lane said hastily,

"Sorry, that's not really my business."

"Lane, you're my best friend, you can ask me anything," Rory said firmly. Lane smiled in relief, not noticing Rory's nervousness, and she bit her lip.

"We haven't talked about it," she said eventually. Lane looked at her curiously.

"Do you want kids?"

Rory shrugged, shifting slightly. The baby was beginning to feel heavy in her lap.

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I thought I did."

Lane didn't say anything and Rory found herself admitting,

"I had a scare."

"A scare?" Lane echoed. "You mean –"

"Exactly."

"But you weren't," Lane guessed. Rory nodded. "Were you sorry?"

Rory shrugged. She suddenly didn't want to say that she had been relieved and instead said,

"I wasn't sad. I mean, I'm barely in my mid-twenties."

"That's true," Lane agreed. "You know, everyone's said to me that it's good I've had kids young because I can relax when I'm older but Rory, it feels like that's never going to happen. I know I'm supposed to enjoy them when they're little but I'm so tired, all the time, even with Mama helping out – Zach works all day and now with Nico..."

Her voice trailed off and then confirmed Rory's suspicions as she said,

"We didn't exactly plan her."

Rory nodded and, taking her friend's silence as criticism, Lane hastily said,

"Not that I'm sorry – I've always wanted a daughter and you know I'd never regret my kids."

"Lane, you don't have to tell me that."

"It's just..." Lane stopped and sighed, looking tired again. "This wasn't the plan, you know? I wanted to get married and I wanted to have kids but there was going to be time. I was going to have _fun_, tour with the band, and I only had a glimpse of it..."

Lane sounded wistful but she quickly added,

"I know it could be a lot worse. I'm married to a great, rocking guy and I've got three amazing kids who I'm going to make into rock stars."

"Do they get a say in it?"

"What do you think?"

"You get more like your mom every day," Rory said and they both burst into giggles.

"I could say the same for you," Lane said. "Smart, independent woman out living the dream! How's the great California life? Any jobs on the horizon?"

"Not right now," Rory said and Lane looked at her comfortingly.

"Something will come up, I know it. Maybe it'll be easier now you're back in the East. You're certainly dressed for it. I haven't worn a shirt like that, since...I've never worn a shirt like that!"

Rory blushed and Lane asked,

"Should I put Nico down again? You don't want to get spit-up on that – what is it, silk?"

"Satin," Rory said, feeling suddenly embarrassed. "It's fine."

"She should finish her nap in her crib anyway," Lane said, gently taking the baby and kissing the top of her head. "The boys will be back soon and she needs some real sleep."

Rory smiled to see Lane cradling the baby, looking suddenly serene. She watched her leave the room and thought about telling Lane the truth about the scare. She was her best friend after all but she worried, suddenly, about what Lane would say and if she thought Rory had thought the wrong thing so instead she said nothing at all.

"So," Lane said, coming and sitting back down. "What have you been doing today?"

"We went for Luke's for breakfast. Kirk was there, being Kirk."

Lane laughed and Rory added,

"Luke told me Jess is coming back."

She tried to keep her voice casual but Lane's eyes widened and she exclaimed,

"You're kidding!_ Jess_? Jess _Mariano_?"

"What other Jess do we know?"

"Is he staying for long?" Lane asked. "How come he's back?"

"Something to do with work, I don't know," Rory shrugged. Lane looked at her and asked shrewdly,

"Are you nervous?"

"Nervous?" Rory echoed, trying to laugh. "Why should I be?"

"You were in love with the guy," Lane said truthfully. Rory fiddled with her wedding ring.

"I'm married now," she said uncomfortably. "It's all in the past."

"I guess," Lane agreed and Rory forced herself to stop looking at her ring. She decided not to tell Lane about what had happened in a Philadelphia, an incident she never told anyone, not even her mother. She wished she had never mentioned Jess at all; memory of the kiss and touching herself the other day flew painfully up in her mind and she forced it away.

"What are you doing for the rest of the day?" Lane asked, moving on. "How come you had time to stop by?"

"Mom's at work and Logan's in Hartford checking out our apartment."

"On his own?"

"I didn't want to come."

"Why not?" Lane frowned. "If I was you I'd kill to see where I was going to live."

"I saw it online," Rory said defensively and Lane scoffed.

"That's not the same!"

"I just didn't feel like it," Rory shrugged. "We're all going to Grandma's later anyway. I wanted to hang out here, see you. I've missed you, Lane Kim."

"I've missed you too, Rory Gilmore. Remember how we used to hang out in my room and talk about the future and being grown-ups? How far away it all seemed?"

"Yeah," Rory said softly, her mind filled with the image of two young girls in jeans and borrowed sweatshirts, listening to music and dreaming about the day they'd leave home.

"It just went," Lane said. "In a flash. Look at us now."

Rory looked at her friend, whose clothes looked old and tired and then at herself, with clothes which seemed designed for some other, wealthy woman.

"Yeah," she said quietly. "Look at us now."


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory left after lunch. She and Lane ate peanut butter sandwiches, as though they were in Kindergarten, with a glass of grape juice besides. It seemed impossible to Rory that it had been practically twenty years since they had met on that warm fall afternoon on the first day of school.

After lunch Mrs Kim had come back with Lane's noisy twin boys and, after they had attached themselves like limpets to Rory's legs and woken up Nico, Rory decided it was time to go, certified by Mrs Kim asking her if she was a good wife and not scaring her husband away with her independence. Rory promised to see them all again soon and left the house with cries of, "Bye Aunt Rory!" from Steve and Kwan.

Rory released a sigh as she turned the corner of the street. Lane's house was small and stifling and she walked to the lake where she closed her eyes and took in deep breaths, glad to be outside. Then she opened her eyes, feeling guilty, and turned to walk back home.

Lorelai was home when she got back and she had brought Sookie, who had come with the kids and a large basket of food. There was high excitement and lots of tears and by the time Sookie left it was late afternoon. Rory sat down on the couch, feeling heavy, and Lorelai mused,

"Logan's taking an awfully long time."

Rory hadn't even realised but she nodded.

"He must have got hold up."

"How was your afternoon?" Lorelai asked, making coffee. "Did you see Lane?"

"Yeah, and the baby."

"Cool, how was she?"

"Fine. Tired."

"She'll be fine," Lorelai said confidently. Rory opened her mouth to answer but found she had nothing to say. A glance at the clock showed they would be going to Emily and Richard's in an hour and she silently groaned and closed her eyes.

Logan got back just as they finished their cups. His face was red with excitement and he exclaimed,

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"I bought a car!" Logan shouted, pulling Rory up and dragging her outside. "Look! And there's one for you too, I left it at the shop so you can see it when we move."

"I – you what?"

Rory slowly walked down the steps to see a shiny black car parked in the drive, impossibly sleek.

"A _car_?" she said, turning to face her husband. "I thought we were going to pick one out together."

"You didn't want to come to Hartford," Logan said accusingly. "I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone."

Rory was silent and he said,

"What, don't you like it?"

"It's fine, I just thought we'd be picking it out together. I was looking forward to it."

"I didn't think you'd mind," Logan said, beginning to sound slightly sour. "It's my car anyway – it's the one I'll take to work. You don't have to like it."

Rory looked at him and he said hastily,

"I mean, if you hate it, you don't have to ride in it."

"You said you chose one for me too," Rory said, trying not to feel aggravated. "Shouldn't I get a say in that?"

"Jesus, Rory, I didn't buy it! I just set aside one I thought you would like!"

Rory looked away and Logan sighed. He gave her a boyish smile and said,

"I'm pretty confident with your taste, Ace."

Rory knew he hadn't meant any harm, that she should smile back, but all she could say was,

"I wanted to be there to see it."

Logan's smile faded and he said angrily,

"Then you should have come to Hartford with me."

Lorelai's steps sounded on the porch and, before Rory could reply, she called,

"Guys, we need to start getting ready. Hey, that's some cool car, Logan! Can I drive it?"

"Sure," Logan said, glaring at Rory. "I'm glad someone appreciates it, at least!"

He turned and marched up the steps to the house.

Rory changed for dinner. She knew she didn't have to, that what she was wearing was suitable, but she chose a dress all the same, feeling, as she stepped out of her pants and took off her blouse, that she was going to Friday Night Dinner all over again and calculating what time she should start her homework when she got back. She had just lifted her arms to slide on the dress when Logan was suddenly behind her, cupping her breasts in his hands and kissing her neck. Rory jumped and dropped the dress.

"Jesus, Logan!"

"Someone's jumpy," Logan teased. "Relax, it's just me."

She let him nuzzle her neck for a while but as he squeezed her breast she pushed him away and said,

"Logan, my mother is upstairs."

"Yeah, upstairs, not down here," Logan grinned. Rory shook her head.

"We have to leave for dinner in fifteen minutes."

"There's a lot which can be done in fifteen minutes," Logan teased. "Or even five."

"Logan!"

"Rory, relax!" Logan exclaimed, stepping away from her. "We're married, remember? Even if your mom walked in – so what?"

"You want Mom to _see _it? I thought that time at the wedding would have put you off."

"No, I don't _want_ her to, God. I'm just saying that we're married and we're not two horny kids anymore. Well," he said, jerking his head slightly with a smirk. "Half true."

Rory rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror. She slid the dress on, hastily zipping it up, and turned back to face her husband.

"I could have helped with that," Logan said. Rory shrugged and they fell silent. Logan sat on the bed.

"I went to see Lane today," she told him, sliding her stockings up. "It's been way too long."

"How is she?"

"Tired. The baby's still so little."

"What does Lane do, sit around all day?"

"Lane's managing three kids under the age of four," Rory snapped. "I think she's amazing."

"I'm sure she is," Logan commented. "But rather her than me."

Rory had thought the exact same thing earlier but didn't want to admit it. She felt her cheeks go red and searched for her shoes.

"Come on, Rory," Logan said, his mind back to a more pressing matter. "Couldn't we do one thing before dinner?"

She was kneeling in front of him and suddenly caught sight of his burgeoning erection. She sat back on her heels, unsure of what to say, when suddenly there was a knock on the door and Lorelai came in.

"Hey guys," she said as Rory quickly got to her feet. "Have you finished with the bathroom?"

"Logan still needs to go," Rory said, making her husband glare. "But he'll be quick."

"Hey, it's fine by me if he wants to make us late," Lorelai joked. "This dinner will go for hours."

"I won't be long, Lorelai," Logan said. She nodded, closed the door and Logan snapped,

"I can answer for myself, thanks."

"You hadn't been," Rory said defensively. "And Mom came in - that's exactly why I didn't want to have sex."

He shot her a look, left the room and Rory heaved a sigh, wondering, as she did the buckles up on her shoes, why she was thinking _saved by the bell._

The road was clear to Hartford. Rory could tell Logan was still annoyed but she tried to cover it up in front of her mother by asking brightly,

"How was the apartment?"

"Ours," Logan said briefly. "All signed."

His words were pleasant but Rory was sure he was silently asking if she cared. Lorelai didn't notice and instead pondered out loud if Satan arranged it for clear traffic whenever she had a dinner with her mother.

They pulled up to Emily and Richard's house, which seemed more imposing than ever, and knocked on the door. A frightened maid answered, almost dropping their coats, and scampering away as Emily marched up to them and said gleefully,

"Come in, come in!"

They came in and Emily hugged Rory tightly.

"It has been far too long," she said affectionately. "Though I certainly forgive you and this young man for taking you away."

"Couldn't resist her," Logan grinned and they both started laughing. Rory managed a weak smile.

"Come on," Emily said. "We're all in the living room."

"We're?" Lorelai echoed and they stopped in surprise at the sight of Christopher and Gigi sitting on the sofa, Christopher in a suit and Gigi in a blue velvet dress.

"Dad?" Rory exclaimed, going to hug him. "What are you doing here?"

"I wouldn't miss a chance to see my favourite daughter!" Christopher laughed and, turning back to Gigi adding, "my _other_ favourite daughter!"

"I didn't know you were coming?"

"Why, are you mad at me?" Christopher teased and Rory hugged him, shaking her head. She broke away and went to hug her sister, who seemed to have doubled in size since they had last seen each other.

"Sit down, everyone!" Emily announced. "Drinks all round? Logan, a brandy? Lorelai, Rory, would you like a martini?"

They nodded but, as Richard started to mix the drinks, Emily asked pointedly,

"Unless you would rather have a Coke, Rory?"

"No," Rory said, confused and then, "Oh, _no_, Grandma. A martini is fine."

She felt her cheeks go red and, as she sat down, Gigi leaned over and whispered,

"Is it because martinis taste better?"

"Yeah," Rory said dully. "Something like that."

Dinner was braised lamb shank with potatoes and peas. They ate heartily and Richard asked,

"So, Rory, tell me all your news! Are you still a budding journalist?"

"Well," Rory said awkwardly. "I'm trying."

She bent over her plate again and Richard asked,

"Trying?" Rory looked up to see him frown. "Who isn't taking you on? They must be crazy."

"Everyone must be," Rory tried to joke. "It's hard finding work."

"Oh, Rory, you don't need to work," Emily said comfortingly. "You're married, that's work enough!"

"Excuse me?" Lorelai asked, putting her fork down. "Rory shouldn't lose her ambition just because she's married."

"I'm not _saying_ that, Lorelai! I just meant that it wouldn't hurt anyone to take some time," Emily retorted. "They can afford to, there's nothing wrong with it. I never worked."

"Did you ever want to be a journalist?"

"That's not the point. If Rory wants to take a break, that's fine. Maybe she'll have a reason to soon," Emily added, her eyes sparkling and Rory, tired, said,

"I'm not pregnant, Grandma."

There was a sudden, embarrassed silence. Rory picked up her fork and started eating again, to avoid having to talk, but Gigi asked curiously,

"Do you want to get pregnant?"

"Gigi!" Christopher exclaimed. "You can't ask that!"

"Why not?" his daughter asked belligerently. "Rory just told Grandma she wasn't!"

"That's different," Christopher said, though the uncomfortable looks of everyone showed that it wasn't very. "It's not polite. Now eat your lamb."

"But –"

"Gigi!"

Gigi bent down and began to eat grudgingly. Rory resumed eating as well - it appeared that Sookie's feast had not destroyed her appetite. Richard coughed and said,

"Have you thought about getting a membership at the club?"

"The club?" Rory asked, confused, and Richard said,

"The club, Rory! My club! You'll be living in Hartford soon and the timing is perfect."

"Oh," Rory said shyly. "I don't know, Grandpa."

"Why on earth not?" Richard demanded. "I remember the time I took you there clear as day, you adored it."

"I was sixteen."

"What difference does that make? If anything, I'd say you'd appreciate it even more now. You can get a wonderful discount for being married - a family discount."

Rory took another large bite of food. She remembered that day too – she'd dreaded it and then had a wonderful time, disastrous golfing aside. The grounds had been beautiful and she'd enjoyed lunching with her grandfather's friends, taking a steam and reporting back gossip. Her mother had been shocked and she felt herself blush again as Richard said firmly,

"You slotted right in. Everyone will be thrilled to see you come back, a graduate from Yale and marred straight after – well, those who are still alive, at least."

"Richard!"

"I'll think about it, Grandpa," Rory said and Lorelai said loudly,

"So did I tell you about the guest at the Dragonfly who had a fetish for linen?"

They left a few hours later. Gigi was falling asleep but as she hugged her sister goodbye she said,

"I'd think it would be cool if you got pregnant. I'd like to be an aunt."

"Aren't you a little young to be an aunt?" Rory joked uneasily. Her sister was seven years old but secretly she was thinking that she was rather young to be a mother. Gigi shook her head.

"Katie at school is already an aunt. Why don't you want to have a baby?"

"Gigi, let's go!" Christopher called and she hugged Rory one last time before running to join her father.

Rory looked over to see Logan shaking her father's hand goodbye. He and Christopher had always got along, during the few times they had met, and Rory wondered if it was something to do about both causing trouble at school. Christopher groaned enviously as Logan described his car.

"Sounds sweet," he said, sounding as though he was sixteen. "Can I drive it?"

"Sure," Logan said. "Rory's getting one too."

"Yeah? Is it at as cool as yours?"

"I don't know," Logan said icily, glancing at Rory. "She hasn't chosen it yet."

Rory bit her lip and a small voice said,

"Daddy, can I get in the car?"

Gig had been waiting patiently and Christopher laughed, picking her up. She was seven years old but he still treated her several years younger.

"Sorry, kid," he said, eyes twinkling. "Got carried away with guy stuff."

"Yuck," Gigi said loudly as he buckled her up. "Bye, Rory."

"Bye," Rory said, waving goodbye as they drove away. Gigi had always felt more of a cousin than a sister. She could never settle on what her father was to her and smiled in relief to see Lorelai drive the car round, freeing her from her guilty thoughts.

Lorelai drove back in near silence. There was a uncomfortable silence in the car, frosty as ice, and Lorelai quickly said she was going to bed as soon as they got in rather than staying up to talk. Rory kissed her goodnight and went into her bedroom, slipping her dress off, Logan right behind.

"Couldn't wait to correct your grandmother, could you?"

"What are you talking about?" Rory asked. The dress was now a pool of pink material at her feet and she stepped out of it, gathering it up and putting it on the desk.

"You were too happy to say you weren't pregnant."

"She was annoying me," Rory said, turning to take her underwear off and put on her pyjamas. "All those gross hints."

"You said it pretty bluntly."

"Somehow I didn't think a hint would get through."

"Not exactly appropriate for dinner."

"Neither's dropping hints about the state of my uterus!" Rory snapped. "And since when do you, Logan Huntzburger, care about being appropriate?"

Her husband fell silent. Rory put the dress on a hanger and got into bed.

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"Excuse me? Would you like being constantly asked if you're pregnant?"

"Somehow I don't think I'll ever be asked that," Logan remarked. "But why were you so mad at the idea?"

"I wasn't mad at the idea," Rory said, heart thumping. "But it's no one's business."

"Would it be so terrible?"

Rory stopped and stared at her husband.

"What are you saying? You want us to have a baby?"

Logan didn't say anything and Rory said accusingly, her heart racing,

"You were just saying how you were glad you weren't Lane a few hours ago and now you want to knock me up?"

"No! I don't mean right now, but even if it did happen right now, it wouldn't be such a bad thing, would it?"

Rory couldn't breathe. She stared down at the covers and said,

"I'm only twenty-five."

"And that's the prime age to have a kid!"

"Says who?"

"Doctors!"

"Then the doctor can have the baby!" Rory snapped. "I'm not ready to be a mother! Forget it!"

She and Logan stared at each other and then Logan's head drooped. He took off his suit, got into his pyjamas and he crawled into bed with her.

"Rory, I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Let's forget it," he said, squeezing her hand. "Let's start all over."

"Okay," Rory nodded. He lay silently beside her and then said,

"How about that country club?"

"You want to join? You're not serious."

"Why not? We'd get a discount and it sounds like the place has great benefits."

Rory was silent and he asked,

"Why the hell not? You went, you liked it."

"It's for wealthy people," Rory said eventually. Logan looked at her and laughed.

"Rory, we went to prep schools, then to Yale and I'm co-chairing part of the company. Look at us. Hell, look at the way we _dress_. We _are_ wealthy people."

Rory couldn't say anything. Her mind was filled with a bizarre image of her and Logan strolling around the grounds, using their _famil_y discount. It seemed absurd. The bed was too small for both of them, Logan's body was pressed tightly to her and he kissed her neck again, slipping a hand up her pyjama top. He felt her breast, rolling a finger around her nipple and Rory felt him harden against her leg. She sat up.

"Logan, what did we just talk about?"

"I didn't mean having sex for that," Logan laughed. "You can still take your pill in the morning."

"Well, thanks for your permission!"

"I didn't mean –" Logan groaned and rolled away. "I just want to have sex with you."

Rory looked at her knees and said,

"We're in Mom's house."

"So?" Logan shot back. "That never bothered you before – not the first time."

"Logan, we'll be in our own apartment soon," Rory said cajolingly. "It's just a few days."

"No, Rory, it's not just a few days!" Logan snapped. "You had your period last week and then we were busy with the move and you said you were tired...it's been more than just a few days!"

"Is it _all_ you think about?"

"No, but I'm starting to worry that my wife never wants to sleep with me!"

"Logan, that's not true," Rory said quietly. "I just don't want to in here – this is the bedroom I grew up in. It feels wrong. I'm sorry."

Rory knew what he was thinking and she said,

"The other times were different."

"How?"

"They just were."

"Fine," Logan said, his voice cold. "Let's just go to sleep."

"Logan –"

"We'll never have to worry about conceiving," Logan said irritably and, before Rory could answer, he got up and switched off the light.

He did not get back into bed with her. Rory realised that she hadn't brushed her teeth but didn't care. She spread her arms out, appreciating the space again, and wondered about the new apartment and if she should have gone to Hartord. It was what a dutiful wife would have done, she thought irritably, but she hadn't wanted to and it was a lot better seeing Lane. Logan had taken hours – Rory couldn't believe it had taken so long to sign some papers and buy, she thought angrily, a car without her. She still couldn't dredge up excitement over moving, less than a week away, as was, she remembered suddenly, Jess's arrival. He would be coming the day after and the move suddenly didn't seem so bad after all. Rory felt a warmth between her legs which had nothing to do with her husband's touch, closed her eyes and fell into a contented sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The day after the visit to Emily and Richard's Logan took Rory to the place where he had bought this car and showed the one he had chosen. Rory had to admit she liked it. It was similar to her old one, silver and slim, yet she still hesitated as she looked at it, running her hand across the metal.

"What?" Logan asked. "Don't you like it?"

"I do," Rory said truthfully. She did like it, a lot, but what stung was that she hadn't been the one to choose it, find her perfect car. She almost wanted to reject it and search for herself but it seemed petty, when she liked this one so much, and she added gratefully,

"I love it."

"See," Logan said smugly, indicating to the salesman that they wanted to buy it. "Can I read you or what?"

Rory nodded and rode home in silence, wondering why she still felt disappointed.

On Thursday the rest of Rory and Logan's things arrived. They crowded the hall with boxes and on Friday they were able to move. They drove back and forth several times, with the aid of Lorelai, and overall it was not as painful as they had anticipated. They were done by early afternoon yet Logan still groaned and sank down on the couch with a beer, closing his eyes. Lorelai coughed.

"I might head off," she said to her daughter. "If you guys don't need any help."

"We're good," Rory nodded but, as her mother reached the door, she caught her up and said,

"Do you mind if I make one last trip? I think I left my purse behind."

Lorelai looked at her curiously and said,

"Sure, hon."

Rory didn't need the purse urgently and her mother could have returned it easily but she wanted to go home one last time. Lorelai seemed to understand and, when they got back, she made them a cup of coffee each. They sat in the kitchen, drinking in silence, and Rory said,

"Thanks for letting us live here, Mom."

"Rory, it was nothing," Lorelai said, sounding surprised. "It was more a gift for me, having my kid at home again, even if just for a week. I wish you could've stayed longer."

"Yeah," Rory said quietly. "Me too."

Her eyes were filming over and she stared down at her cup. Paul Anka came and rested his head on her knee, looking at her gently. Rory rubbed his head and blinked back sudden tears.

"Rory?" Lorelai asked, bending to read her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Rory sniffled. "I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine," Lorelai said in concern, moving her chair nearer to her. "What is it? Tell me."

Rory looked down at Paul Anka's fur. She hesitated, the words tripping on her tongue, about feeling sad without knowing why, that she felt useless and Logan wanting a baby but she forced them back. She felt that if she started talking she would never stop and she didn't want to overload her mother with marital problems, if that was what they were. She didn't want Lorelai to worry and stress over what was surely a small blip so instead she shook her head and said,

"I guess it's just hard leaving here again."

"Rory," Lorelai said gently, squeezing her daughter's hand. "It's hard for me too."

Rory nodded, unable to speak as her mother added,

"But hey, it's not like before. You're going to be half an hour away, that's nothing. It's not exactly three thousand miles, is it?"

"No," Rory choked and Lorelai smiled.

"We're going to see each other all the time. Logan won't monopolise you all the time, I'm going to demand some movie nights and sleepovers."

Rory laughed and Lorelai smiled, hugging her tight.

"And it's an awesome apartment," she said enviously. "Don't think I won't be kicking Logan out and staying over sometimes."

"I wouldn't expect anything less."

They hugged, Rory burying her face in her mother's shoulder. They sat like that for a while until Paul Anka let out a loud _woof!_,making them jump. Lorelai looked at the clock and groaned.

"How is it that time already? I have to get back to the inn."

"And I have to get back to my husband," Rory grinned. "Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime, kid."

Rory drove back, feeling a little lighter than before, and was smiling by the time she entered the apartment. Logan was reading a newspaper and looked up at her and frowned.

"Where's your purse?"

Rory looked down and blushed. She had forgotten it.

They woke up late the next day. Logan made them breakfast in bed, French toast with eggs and Rory lay back in the pillows feeling contented. It was the best way to start the day and she kissed Logan's cheek after finishing her coffee. He absently kissed her back and then slid out of bed, stretching, and going to the closet where he had unpacked some of his clothes.

"Hey," Rory laughed. "Where are you going?"

"Got a business meeting," Logan said, selecting a tie. "Got to be in the city for eleven."

"But it's Saturday," Rory pleaded, disappointment beginning to seep through her. "It's our first morning here, I thought..."

"Sorry, Ace. No can do."

"It's our first morning," Rory repeated dumbly. He walked over and kissed the top of her head.

"I know it sucks. I don't want to go but being head of the department means losing weekends sometimes."

"That does suck," Rory said gloomily. He laughed and patted the top of her head, giving her the irritable sensation of feeling like a dog.

"Who would have thought?" Logan chuckled. "The party-crazy Logan Huntzburger getting up to go to meetings on a Saturday?"

"Yeah," Rory said, trying to smile. "Who would have thought?"

Logan grinned and went to use the shower. Rory sighed, getting up and putting the tray away, washing the dishes and crawling back into bed with a novel she had unpacked. It was _Portrait of a Lady_, one of her favourites, but she was finding it hard to read this time.

Logan came back in completely naked, his towel in his hand. Rory watched him dress, pulling a face in the mirror as he adjusted his tie, before picking up his briefcase and tying his shoes.

"Good luck," Rory said in a small voice. He kissed her cheek again.

"I'll be back soon enough," he said vaguely. "Look on the bright side – you've got the whole place to yourself."

"Yeah," Rory said dully. "Great."

He laughed and left, whistling all the way down the stairs. Rory sighed and got out of bed again, going to the window and looking out.

The building was a brownstone which had been converted into flats and they had the second floor. Lorelai was right, it really was a beautiful apartment, light and airy with a wonderful city view but now she was alone it felt too big with too much space. Rory had looked forward to a long, lazy morning with perhaps a trip to Stars Hollow and now she was alone with a novel she couldn't read. She didn't understand why Logan hadn't said anything the night before and, unhappily, she sat on the sofa and picked up the paper to scan the news.

After reading the main headlines Rory set the paper down, heart thumping. Her morning was ruined but the whole day wasn't. Jess was back today and Rory ran to get dressed, wondering how she could have forgotten.

She showered hastily, wiping suds across her body and wondered what to wear. She didn't want to wear what Logan had called their _wealthy _clothes, which seemed to make up most of her wardrobe. Rory wrapped a towel around her and padded back out, staring at the selection before settling on a dark blue shirt. She had owned it for years, before she had got married, and it made her smile. It had been a long time since she'd worn it and, as she pulled it on with a pair of black pants, she thought she had a glimpse of the Rory she was before marriage.

Rory brushed her hair, put on a little mascara and grabbed her car keys, hesitating before writing a quick note –_Gone to Stars Hollow – _and leaving the apartment, her heart lit up. The day felt fresh and new again and impatiently she started the car and drove back down the main road to where she hoped her ex-boyfriend would be.

Rory hit some traffic just before Stars Hollow and banged her hands against the wheel.

"Come on," she grumbled. "Move!"

The traffic eventually shifted. Rory sighed in impatient relief and drove back into her home town, parking at the first spot she found. It was stupid, she thought suddenly, she didn't know what time Jess would even be back. He may not have returned at all but, she decided, even if he wasn't, she would get coffee and wait. She could enjoy her day in Stars Hollow all the same.

Rory hurried along the friendly streets hoping, for once, that she wouldn't run into anyone she knew, not even her mother. Her heart thudded as she approached the diner, a giddy excitement overtaking her. She felt breathless as she put her hand on the door, her whole body shaking, and she wondered what she would say if he was inside. There was the back of a man behind the counter, long and slim, a back she knew well, and Rory almost succumbed to a sudden wish to turn and run but she resisted. She pushed open the door.

The man turned around at the sound of the bell. He looked at Rory casually for a moment and then stopped, stared and opened his mouth. Rory felt frozen to the spot. _Jess_.

"Rory?" he asked in disbelief, instantly leaving the counter and walking to her, staring at her as though she was a mirage. "What are you doing here?"

"Moved back," Rory said simply and then his arms were around her, hugging her with a gentle strength. She hugged him back, enjoying the oddness of it, and held on, bizarrely worried that he would disappear if she let go.

"You moved back?" Jess asked, finally releasing her and staring. "Here to Stars Hollow?"

"No – to Hartford," Rory corrected. "Logan's been relocated to head the Connecticut division of the company he works for."

The joyful expression on Jess's face dimmed slightly.

"Oh," he nodded. "Right."

"Right," Rory echoed. The atmosphere felt awkward suddenly and Jess coughed.

"Sorry for, you know, hugging you like that. It's not something I normally go for."

"No," Rory agreed, remembering how he hadn't held her that way since they were eighteen. "I didn't mind though."

"Good," Jess smiled. "I'm sorry if I was...acting forward or something."

"Jess, don't worry about it."

He nodded and they grinned at each other. She took him in: he wore black pants and a smart jacket but the T-shirt was casual like before, showing he was still Jess. He looked wonderful.

"You know, Luke didn't say a word about you coming home," Jess said suddenly, putting his hands in his pockets. "I'm going to kill him."

"Where is he?"

"Buying produce. I'll kill him when he's back."

They laughed and Jess glanced at Rory's ring.

"So where's the husband?" he asked, imitating his uncle. "Parking the car or something?"

"No, he had to work," Rory said, wondering why her cheeks were turning pink. "I came here alone."

"On a _Saturday_?" Jess echoed incredulously. Rory shrugged and his face broke into a smile again. "Still, I'm not complaining. How about some breakfast?"

"I've already had some but I'll have another."

"You haven't changed," Jess remarked. A spurt of happiness shot through Rory and she led him to a table.

"How about something from the Rory menu?"

"The what?"

"Luke made me a special menu," Rory giggled. "In honour of my coming home."

"Why am I not surprised?" Jess said, showing his crooked grin. "Cesar? The finest food on the Rory menu please, on me."

"Oh, Jess, I can –"

"My treat," he insisted, staring into her eyes. "Please."

Cesar brought over some coffee and for a while they sat and laughed, sharing stories from the past few years.

"So how's the Truncheon going?" Rory asked. "Luke said you were here because of work?"

"Yeah – we're thinking of expanding, maybe to New York," Jess said. "I kind of hate that – it's like a chain – but we're still independent, right?"

"Right," Rory agreed. "I think it's great. I loved your open house."

Jess nodded and they fell silent, the memory of their last meeting hanging between them. Rory bit her lip.

"Jess, I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not, it was a really, really crappy thing for me to do," Rory said fiercely. "I was a jerk."

"It sounds like you were having a crappy time," Jess said. Rory looked up to see if he was annoyed but he smiled and said, "It's okay, Rory. I forgave you a long time ago."

Rory exhaled and he rested his hand on hers for the briefest of moments, his palm warm.

"It was for the best," he added. "That you changed your mind. You're married now."

"Yeah," Rory said, unhappiness stabbing, suddenly. "I'm married."

"Have you forgiven me?" Jess asked suddenly and Rory looked up. "For leaving, both those times?"

"Jess," Rory said gently. "You were young."

Cesar brought their food over and dented the line of thought. They thanked him, began to eat and then Rory looked up.

"I wanted to invite you to the wedding," she said truthfully. "I'm sorry I didn't."

Jess didn't look up.

"It's okay."

"I really did," Rory insisted. "But Logan thought it might be weird and I didn't want things to be uncomfortable for you..."

Her voice trailed off and she said quietly,

"I'm sorry."

"It's really okay," Jess promised. "Luke showed me pictures of the wedding. It looked like a perfect day."

"He did?"

Rory's wedding had not been how she had planned. She had never been a little girl who had dreamed endlessly about her wedding day but she had always known three things: she would wear her hair down, wear a simple dress and her mother would walk her down the aisle. Only one of these things came to pass. Rory was talked into wearing her hair up, in a fancy bun, with a long, expensive white dress, her nails shining with pearled nail polish. Lane, Honor and Paris were her bridesmaids. She had hoped to get married in Stars Hollow but instead they married in Hartford, in Logan's family church and, when she said she would rather marry at home Logan said, "You're not even religious. Why do you care which church you get married in?"

It wasn't as if Logan was religious either. Rory was ready to say it was the church she had grown up in, in a way, going there with Lane for the occasional service and helping her take notes, that that mattered more to her than what she actually believed, but Logan cut her off with a laugh.

"If we're really going by tradition," he smirked. "You shouldn't be wearing a white dress."

Rory stormed away and Logan ran after her, puzzled that she couldn't understand it was just a joke.

In the end the only unconventional element was Lorelai being the one to give Rory away. She didn't even think about asking Christopher, briefly considered Luke but knew in her heart it had to be her mother. Lorelai was the person who had raised her, been her mother and best friend her whole life and both of them were crying before it was time to walk.

"Mom, I'm scared," Rory admitted, wiping her eyes with her bouquet of flowers. "I can't be old enough to be a wife."

"I love you so much, kid," Lorelai whispered, eyes streaming. "And if you want to change your mind, right now, we can. I'll send everyone home."

Rory stared at her and shook her head.

"I'm just nervous," she said, making herself smile. "I'm happy, Mom, I'm marrying Logan."

Lorelai looked at her piercingly. Rory thought if she looked at her any longer she might burst out something else but instead her mother smiled and took her hand.

"In that case," she said bravely. "Let's go, your husband awaits."

Rory nodded, clenched her hand and, as she walked down to the alter, she knew she couldn't do it without her mother by her side.

"You looked beautiful," Jess said, making her jump. "I never pictured you in a dress like that."

The memories fell away and Rory smiled ruefully.

"No," she said. "Nor did I."

Jess nodded and ate the last of his food.

"So tell me," Rory said quickly. "Are you writing anything new?"

"Actually, yes," Jess said, putting his fork down from his pancakes. "I'm writing a novel, a long work in progress. I hate it when writers say that, it's like code for not doing anything, but –"

"I know it isn't," Rory smiled. "I can't wait to read it. I read your first book the other day again."

Jess looked at her curiously.

"You did? Did it seem different this time round?"

"Maybe a little," Rory told him, feeling her cheeks warm again. "In a good way."

"Good," Jess said softly. "That's what I want."

Rory smiled but before she could say anything else there was an exclamation of her name. They looked up to see Luke, who was beaming and saying,

"I didn't know you were coming down today."

"I was going to see Jess," Rory explained. The man in question slapped Luke's arm.

"Didn't tell me she was coming, Uncle Luke," he said, pretending to be angry. "When I asked if anything was new here, what did you say? _Not much_!"

"It was a surprise," Luke grinned. "And it's just Luke."

"I guess I forgive you," Jess said, getting out his wallet to pay, but Luke waved his hand.

"On me."

"But –"

"Just eat," Luke grinned. He patted his nephew's arm and walked away.

"Well," Jess said, putting his wallet away. "Guess it's on him."

"Yep."

"How long are you here for?" Jess asked, hope in his voice. "Is it...permanent?"

"Six months," Rory told him and he nodded. "It might become permanent though."

"I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other," Jess said. Rory grinned.

"Guess so."

Jess scribbled down his cellphone number and Rory laughed.

"Look who cracked!"

"Hey, it wasn't my idea," Jess said quickly, going red. "I'm practically running a business, people are always calling...it's not like the old days where you could just keep a phone in the store."

"Oh, of course not," Rory teased. He pointed a finger at her.

"I am not a sell-out."

"Of course you're not," Rory grinned. She bent down at the napkin she had prepared to write her number on and hesitated.

"What?"

"Nothing," Rory said quickly, borrowing Jess's pen to write her number down. "There."

"Thanks," Jess said, folding and putting it in his pocket. "What are you doing now?"

"Oh...I'm not sure. I need to pick my purse up from Mom and then I guess I'll head back. Logan should be home soon."

Jess nodded, his face impassive, but he grinned again as Rory got up.

"See you around, Rory."

"See you, Jess," Rory replied. She was still grinning when she reached her front door.

Lorelai wasn't home but the key was still in the turtle. Rory made herself a pot of coffee and drank contentedly with Paul Anka, watching TV. The front door suddenly opened and Rory and Lorelai screamed in unison when they saw each other.

"Jesus, Rory," Lorelai said, hand on her heart. "You could have warned me."

"I figured you'd be home. Where were you?"

"I had to go pick up dry-cleaning," Lorelai said, indicating the bags in her hand. "What are you doing here?"

"I forgot my purse. Logan had to go into the office."

Lorelai nodded and Rory went to pick it up.

"I went to Luke's for breakfast," she said casually. "Jess was there."

Lorelai stopped and stared.

"Just drop that in there! What's he doing here? What, are all the lost kids of Stars Hollow coming home?"

"It's to do with his work," Rory said happily. "It was good catching up."

Lorelai looked at her curiously and then said,

"You had breakfast together?"

"Yeah," Rory said, confused. "It was nice."

Lorelai nodded. Rory caught sight of the clock and got up.

"I've got to go – Logan should be back now. Sorry for scaring you."

Her mother kissed her goodbye and then asked,

"Logan's got to work today?"

"Yeah – some kind of meeting."

"That sucks," Lorelai said, letting go of her daughter's hands. "Poor guy."

"Right," Rory said quietly. "Poor guy."

Her mother looked at her curiously.

"I like that shirt, Rory. I didn't know you still had it.

"Really?" Rory asked, looking down. "I like it - why would I get rid of it?"

"You haven't worn it in forever - whenever I've seen you lately you've worn something fancy."

"I still like it," Rory said, her heart throbbing. Lorelai nodded and she said quickly,

"Mom, I've got to get back. Logan will be home soon."

"Sure," Lorelai nodded. "Give him my love."

Rory felt her mother's eyes on her all the way to the door.

Logan was home when Rory got back and he wasn't happy. He had changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt, lying on the couch with the television blaring and he scowled at Rory when she got in, holding her note up.

"So much for this being _our_ morning!"

"You had to go to work!" Rory exclaimed. "You didn't tell me what time you'd be back! What was I supposed to do, sit around all day?"

"I finished early."

"How was I supposed to know that?"

Logan switched the television off and got up.

"I was looking forward to getting home," he said angrily. "I was going to take you out for lunch."

"Oh," Rory said guiltily. "I'm sorry, Logan – look, it's not that late, we can still go."

"Forget it."

Rory followed him into the bedroom where he had stormed into and took his arm.

"Logan, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I texted you!"

"I didn't have my phone."

"What were you doing, anyway?" Logan demanded, seeing the bag in her hand. "Did it take you _that_ long to get your purse back?"

"No," Rory blushed. "I went to Luke's – Jess was there. We had breakfast."

"You _what_?"

"He was in town!" Rory said as Logan shook his head. "We're friends."

"Oh, please, Rory."

"Why are you mad at me?" Rory asked, her voice shaking. "Nothing happened. Why would I tell you if there had? I'm being honest."

Logan scowled and sat down on the bed. Rory sat next to him.

"He's someone who meant a lot to me," she said gently. "It wasn't planned. I'm really sorry, Logan. I figured you'd be gone all day."

Her husband let out a sigh.

"I made you breakfast," he said sadly and Rory felt a horrible tug of guilt.

"It wasn't planned," she said again. "And you know me – I eat double a normal person!"

Logan smiled unwillingly and Rory kissed his cheek. She kissed it again, moved onto his mouth and kissed him fully. Logan turned to face her, kissing her back and lifted her shirt off. Rory didn't protest, nor when he slid off her bra and she peeled his shirt off too, rubbing her hands across his chest. Logan groaned and kissed her breasts, helping off her pants and underwear as she pulled off his before lying back on the bed as Rory knelt and took his penis in her mouth. She sucked at it for while, feeling him grow more excited before straddling him and pushing him inside her. Logan thrust and thrust and came with a groan. Rory kept on moving and then, suddenly, Jess's face and smile were in her mind and she came with a shudder. She lay down on Logan's chest and he buried his face in her breasts.

"Now that," he said with a muffled laugh. "Was worth waiting for. Thanks."

Rory slid off him. She walked in silence to the shower, washing herself over and over and wondering, as the hot water poured over her, why she felt so terribly unclean.


	9. Chapter 9

**No one ever asks to be cheated on.**

The following week passed slowly. Logan started at work and Rory spent her days alone. She mostly found herself exploring Hartford, walking around its streets and parks and getting to know the city. It had been the town she had been born in and gone to school to for three years yet she still felt like a visitor, a constant stranger. She went to Stars Hollow again with Lorelai for lunch and Jess was there behind the counter. He didn't come over to greet them but he smiled and gave Rory a wave. Rory smiled back, a trace of blush on her cheeks, but before she could return the gesture Lorelai would ask about the menu and Jess looked away. Rory had saved his number into her phone but hadn't called it yet – she had wanted to but had no real reason to call. She missed the days where she could call just to talk so settled for smiling at Jess across the room in what she hoped was a friendly manner.

Rory was anticipating and dreading the weekend at the same time. She was looking forward to Saturday because Paris was paying her visit yet the evening involved a dinner at Logan's mother's house, a visit Rory would sooner step over hot coals than attend. She and Shira Huntzberger had never made friends and retained a cool politeness, both knowing that Shira had never forgiven Rory for marrying her son. Still, Rory thought resignedly, as she applied her makeup, at least she had Paris to talk to first. Her friend was never scant when it came to witty remarks to use.

Rory met Paris in town. She was there to see her parents, who had managed to make an agreement with the US Embassy and were allowed back in the states, and were renting a small property in Hartford.

"Mom's still in shock that there's only one bathroom," Paris said, stirring her coffee and looking pristine in her mint shirt and pants. "She'd never have survived in prison."

Rory laughed and sipped her cappuccino and listened to her friend talk about the cancer research she'd been exploring and how Doyle was enjoying his new job on the paper.

"We're both getting home so late it's hard to find enough time for sleep, let alone sex," she said, shrugging. "Guess you don't have that problem."

"I guess," Rory said awkwardly. She didn't want to discuss her sex life and took a large gulp of coffee. Paris looked at her curiously.

"What about you, anyway?"

"What about me?"

"What have you been doing since you got back? What were you doing in California?"

"There isn't a lot to tell," Rory shrugged. "We've been busy moving."

"Right, but you've moved now. What about before then? You never told me what you did out in California."

"I did," Rory retorted and Paris said in an exasperated way,

"You told me how you would go for walks. What about work? Don't you still want to work on a paper? Have you looked for any out here yet?"

"No," Rory said uncomfortably. "It's been hard,, I guess, since I lost my job. It's kind of nice just being at home, having more time."

Paris looked at and then said in a cool, clear voice,

"Bullshit."

Rory coughed on her coffee and spluttered,

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. This Happy Housewife act – it's bullshit."

Rory stared at her in disbelief and said weakly,

"It's not."

"It is for you. What is this? All you've been doing lately is find new routes to the beach, a waste of time in itself seeing how easily you burn, Caspar."

"I'm sorry not all of us can save the world in a science lab," Rory snapped, her head reeling. Paris rolled her eyes.

"Now the martyr act."

"I am not being a martyr!"

"I'm just asking what the hell is going on," Paris said, leaning forward. "I saw you as competition in school. I gave you the worst article ever and you had the teacher bowing at your feet over what you wrote. You got into Harvard and Yale and then you ousted me over being editor –"

"I did not oust you –"

"Whatever. Point is, you were a worthy rival and now you're scouring the web for cookie recipes."

"I am not!"

Rory glared at her friend, her heart pounding as Paris demanded,

"What gives? There's got to be a reason for this. Huntzberger didn't knock you up, did he?"

"God, no!"

Rory stared down at her cup. She couldn't look at Paris's piercing eyes any longer but her head snapped up as Paris said slowly,

"This is like last time."

"What?"

"When you decided to take time off Yale – it's the same."

"What are you talking about?" Rory asked, her hands quivering. "That was years ago."

"Doesn't stop it being the same. Something's going on with you and you're giving up."

"I am not giving up," Rory said furiously. "The economy is terrible."

"I know you're not trying."

"That's not true!" Rory said quickly but she didn't have an answer when Paris asked knowingly,

"How many jobs have you applied for this week? This month? This year?"

"Stop it!"

"I'll stop it when you do something about it!" Paris snapped, bringing her coffee cup down on the table with a loud sound. Rory stared down at it and then looked back up as she heard Paris said quietly,

"I knew this would happen."

"You knew what would happen?" Rory asked, already knowing what her friend was going to say.

"Marrying Huntzberger, going off to the land of avocado trees – I knew he would do this to you."

"Do what to me?" Rory demanded, her voice cracking. "I have a mind of my own."

"He's got something over you!" Paris exclaimed. "I don't know why you keep going back to him but you do! It doesn't matter what stupid thing he does, he just grins at you and you let it go, you let everything go with him, including your brain!"

"He's my husband," Rory said stubbornly. "I'm not 'going back to him', I'm married to him, and he's had a stable job ever since we've lived in California!"

"And you've been weak around him years before that!"

Rory and Paris glared at each other. Rory slowly let go of the cup she'd been gripping and said coldly,

"You never wanted me to marry him."

Paris shrugged, not trying to defend herself as Lane or her mother would.

"I wasn't crazy about it," she said truthfully. "But you know what I thought? I thought since you fixed all your crap, went back to Yale and got a job maybe I shouldn't worry. You were going to California, not a cornfield in Iowa. There's papers out West, I told myself. Rory can still figure it out. Guess I was an idiot."

Rory stared at her, her ears ringing. She wanted to retort, refute all her friend's points but she couldn't.

"I have to go to my mother-in-law's tonight," she said angrily. "And I think I'm going to get a warmer reception there than right now."

"Of course you will," Paris said coldly. "All your mother-in-law cares about is that you keep sleeping with her son."

Rory stood up, scraping back her chair.

"Thanks for coffee," she said, trying not to let her voice waver. "And not holding back."

"Someone needs to say it, Rory!" Paris snapped, not pretending to be sorry. "Taking some time, enjoying being home – it's bullshit! You look more unhappy than the time Doyle wasn't printing your articles! You're just pretending like you always do when things get screwed up!"

"I'm not pretending," Rory said instantly and Paris stared at her, looking concerned.

"Something's wrong here, Rory. You need a shrink or something."

"Oh, I need a shrink?" Rory shouted, not caring that everyone in the room was staring at her. "You Paris Geller, are talking to me about mental health?"

She turned and stormed out, ignoring Paris's call of,

"I still have Terrence's number – he did some time in prison but he's still an excellent life coach!"

Rory was still furious by the time she got home. Logan was out somewhere and for once she was glad, slamming her purse down on the counter and kicking her shoes off. She marched into the bedroom and caught sight of herself in the mirror, her face red and her hair wild, a sharp contrast to the muted colours of her flowered skirt and blue silk blouse. Logan came home just as she was ripping them off and changing into a T-shirt and jeans.

"Hey, Ace!" he exclaimed, picking up the clothes she had piled on the floor. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" Rory snapped. "I'm just not comfortable in that skirt."

"Whatever you say, Ace," Logan said, clearly trying not to laugh. "But do you have to throw it on the floor? It lives on a hanger."

"Quit patronising me," Rory said furiously. "And stop calling me Ace!"

Logan raised his eyebrows.

"Wow, what happened to you today?"

"Nothing," Rory sad automatically, leaving the bedroom and going to get a glass of water. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Logan said quietly. "How was Paris?"

"Fine," Rory snarled. "Very honest."

Logan frowned but didn't say anything. Rory sat on the sofa, closing her eyes and then said,

"Logan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do we have to go to your mom's tonight?"

"Are you serious?" Logan laughed, going and sitting next to her. "I think the Apocalypse would be the only excuse we could use and even then I doubt it would stop it."

"Right," Rory said quietly. She shut her eyes, feeling tired and Logan said gently,

"Rory?"

"Yeah?" she said softly, opening her eyes and smiling at her husband.

"Will you go get me a beer?" Logan asked brightly. "The game's about to start."

"Oh," Rory said dully. "Sure."

Logan patted her bottom as she got up and said cheerfully,

"I knew there was a reason I married you!"

They drove over to the Huntzbergers' early that evening. The house was as huge as Rory remembered and she swallowed the anxiety she could taste in her throat. She'd been hoping not to have to go back until Christmas, more than six months away.

"Here he is!" Shira Huntzberger cried as they got out of the car, kissing her son on both cheeks as he met her on the path. "Logan's home!"

"Mom, please," Logan said, sounding embarrassed and pleased at the same time. Shira let him go and then looked at Rory, hesitating and kissing her cheeks as well, in a much more formal manner.

"Rory," she said, nodding. Rory smiled and said,

"Hi."

At their wedding Shira had told Rory expressly that she could call her by her first name but Rory couldn't bring herself to. It seemed rude to call her Mrs Huntzberger, however, so Rory simply avoided using her name at all. She was thankful that she hadn't been asked to call her _Mom_.

"Where is everyone?" Logan asked as his mother pulled him inside. "Is Honor here?"

"Of course she is, and she has news!"

"News?" Logan exclaimed, badgering and cajoling his mother all through the hall, who laughed and refused to say a word. Rory followed them to the living room, grand and decadent as ever, before sitting on the fanciful couch beside her husband, where Honor and her husband Josh were sitting opposite. Mitchum had to work that night, they were told, and Elias had died a few years ago. It was one of the few occasions where Rory had seen Logan cry.

"Hey, sis," Logan said warmly, hugging Honor and kissing her cheek, shaking Josh's hand. "Mother tells me you have news. What's the secret?"

"Well," Honor said nervously. "Now everyone's here – Dad's knows already – I guess I should tell you. Josh and I are having a baby!"

Everyone exclaimed joyfully, going to hug and congratulate her, and Shira announced,

"And in support of Honor, there won't be any alcohol tonight."

"You're kidding," Logan said, his smile instantly fading and Honor said,

"I told her she didn't have to."

"Nonsense, it's not fair," Shira said and, leaning over, Honor whispered to Rory,

"I miss smoking a lot more!"

Rory smiled weakly but felt her heart drop. She had been counting on a martini or three to get her through the dinner and barely noticed Shira's admonishment of,

"Logan, you're driving!"

Dinner was slow and painful. Shira asked what Rory was doing right now, a cutting tone to her questions, and when Rory said,

"I'm hoping to start back at a paper soon," she sighed and said snidely,

"You career women. What is it with women wanting to work nowadays?"

"Mom," Logan said in a warning voice. "Rory's great at what she does."

"Her priorities should be different," Shira said and, smiling at Rory in a nauseating way, she added,

"Rory knows what I mean. She has her husband to look after now."

Rory stared at her, glancing at Logan for back-up, but he instead just laughed and said,

"I guess that's true."

"Does she look after you?" Shira asked, grinning at Logan, who nodded.

"She always gets me beers."

"Well, there's something," Shira said and, catching sight of her daughter-in-law's expression, added,

"Oh, now don't be offended, Rory. It's all good training for when you're a mother."

"When I'm what?" Rory asked dumbly and Shira said,

"It has to happen sooner or later – sooner, I hope. Perhaps you can ask Honor for tips, she'll be an expert soon enough!"

"Mom," Honor said, sounding embarrassed. "Stop."

"Don't be modest, Honor," Shira said fondly. "I'm glad one of my children is giving me grandchildren, at least!"

"So no pressure, Honor," Logan joked and they all laughed. "Too bad Grandpa can't meet him or her."

"Are you kidding? He hated kids."

Talk dissolved into when the baby was due, if it would be a boy or girl and Rory tuned out into stunned silence, jumping when Logan asked her to pass the potatoes. She did so silently and thought that Mitchum would be the only thing that could make dinner worse, deciding that someone up above had known him coming would be more than Rory could take. She remained silent all through the rest of dinner, and the soda they drank afterwards, and spoke only when they got back and Logan demanded,

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" Rory exclaimed, turning to see him, her blue dress whirling around her legs. "What's wrong with you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Laughing about how I'm a good little wife who brings you beer?"

"That was a joke," Logan protested, impervious to Rory's fury. "She knows I work hard –"

"And how I don't do anything?" Rory snapped, Paris's words uneasily fresh in her mind. "That all I should do is sit and home and make babies?"

"You can't take a joke," Logan protested as Rory threw her purse down. "And hey, my sister doesn't work and she's expecting a baby, what do you think about her?"

"I think Honor wants to do that," Rory said, trying to make her voice even. "And I respect that but it's not what I want to do, right now!"

"No one said you had to," Logan said and Rory retorted,

"Your mother seems to think it's the only thing I should be doing and you laughed and agreed!"

"She wants grandkids," Logan said, folding his arms. "What's wrong with that?"

"God," Rory said angrily. "What with your mom and my grandmother I feel like we're being ordered to go and copulate!"

"Is that such a bad thing?" Logan grinned, taking Rory's arm. She shook it off, shouting,

"Stop!"

"Would you just calm down?" Logan laughed and Rory yelled,

"I don't feel like calming down!"

"What's gotten into you?" Logan asked, his jovial tone turning to annoyance. "Are you getting your period or something?"

"If I bled every time you annoyed me, I'd be anaemic," Rory said cuttingly. She picked up her purse, threw open the door and stormed down the stairs. Logan followed her and snapped,

"Where the hell are you going?"

"Out," Rory said dangerously. "Don't you dare follow me."

"Fine!" Logan bellowed as Rory descended down the last few steps. "Go crying to your mommy!"

"I could say the same to you!" Rory shouted. She turned and marched out of the building, slamming the door shut and locking herself in her car, glad she had got it at the time. She got her phone out of her purse, not looking to see if Logan had followed, and dialled a number with shaking fingers. It clicked in answer and Rory said desperately,

"Hi, it's me. Can I come see you? I'm sorry to call like this but I really need to talk. Thanks."

She hung up the phone, started the car and drove out into the night.


	10. Chapter 10

**Happy Birthday, WhatToDoAboutJess! I hope you had a lovely day!**

It didn't take long to drive to Stars Hollow, though Rory barely thought about the time. She drove as quickly as she dared, in a daze, all her thoughts centered on where she needed to be. There were no cars on the road, or so it seemed to her, and in less than no time she was pulling up at the gazebo where Jess was waiting. He had his hands in his pockets, perfectly Jess.

Rory got out of her car, her legs wobbling slightly, and went over to him. She felt a little stupid, in her expensive dress, but Jess didn't say anything and she quickly forgot again.

"Hi," she said in a shaky voice. She tried to smile but failed and Jess asked in concern,

"What's wrong?"

"It's nothing, it's-" a rogue tear made its way down Rory's cheek and she hastily wiped it away. "I'm sorry," she said, a sob catching in her throat. "I'm sorry for calling like this."

"It's okay," Jess said softly. "What happened?"

Rory tried to say something else, to assure him that she was okay, but broke into another sob and Jess took her hand.

"Hey," he asked gently. "Do you want to get out of here?"

Rory nodded, sniffling, and he led her away from the gazebo and into a maze of streets Rory had never frequented in all her time in Stars Hollow. She glanced around as Jess stopped at one of the houses, getting a key and unlocking the door, and finally asked,

"Where are we?"

"This where I'm renting," Jess said, pushing open the door. "First floor. Come on up."

Rory silently followed him up the stairs and into the small apartment and, it was only when she was sitting in an armchair Jess had indicated at that she asked curiously,

"How come you're renting and not staying with Luke?"

"I don't know how long I'll be here," Jess said, getting a chair from the table and sitting next to her. "And I don't want to be there indefinitely, it's not fair on the guy, plus April's coming for spring break soon..."

Rory nodded and he added with a chuckle,

"Don't think he didn't try. I stayed for the first week so he didn't feel like he was being a bad uncle."

"Luke's like that," Rory said quietly and he nodded.

"He is."

Rory sat back in the chair and took in the apartment. It was small but not cramped, the kitchen leading onto the living room. The walls were lined with bookshelves of all sizes and books were piled all around the room in which they sat. The room was painted white yet the lamps and books gave it a cheerful glow. There was another room to the left with the door shut which Rory supposed was Jess's bedroom. She wanted to look inside but somehow knew not to ask. They lapsed into silence and Jess suddenly got up.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked, gesturing at the kitchen. "I've got coffee – real, not just instant."

Rory opened her mouth to accept but found herself asking,

"Do you have anything stronger?"

Jess's mouth slid into a crooked grin and he nodded, going to a cupboard and pouring Rory some whiskey.

"As you wish," he said, handing it to her and pouring himself a glass before sitting back down. "How is it? Chris from the Truncheon gave it to me, I don't know what it's like."

Rory took a sip. It was disgusting and strong and, for some reason, tasted all the better for it.

"It's perfect," she said, taking a large gulp. Jess followed suit and wrinkled his nose.

"That's a matter of opinion," he said with a cough. Rory laughed but her happiness soon abated. She looked down at her drink and sipped in silence. Jess looked at her and moved his chair closer to hers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly. Rory stared down at her drink, noticing her faint reflection in the liquid, before finally looking up at Jess and saying slowly,

"I don't know where to start."

Jess nodded, his black hair casting a shadow on his face, and said softly,

"You don't have to talk, if you don't want to."

"I called you up late at night," Rory said, the loudness of her voice surprising her. "You deserve to know why."

"It's not like that, Rory," Jess said but she laughed and shook her head.

"I should talk about it. This whole day...everything's such a mess."

Jess didn't say anything and waited for her go to on. Rory blinked back more tears which were threatening to fall and said angrily,

"I had a fight with Paris this morning."

"Paris Geller?" Jess echoed in surprise. "You still talk?"

"Yes, we roomed at college," Rory said through gritted teeth. "We had the worst fight."

"What about?" Jess asked but Rory shook her head.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Jess nodded and Rory took a large drink of whiskey. It burned the back of her throat but she didn't care.

"Then I went home and Logan was being a jerk," she continued angrily. "He didn't even know he was being one and then we had to go to his mother's, and his mother is a –"

She stopped herself but Jess asked in amusement,

"A what?"

"A _bitch_," Rory said, shocked to hear herself say it. "A shallow, conniving bitch who hates me. There, is that good enough?"

Jess shook his head and said in an amused voice,

"Rory Gilmore, wash your mouth out with soap."

Rory giggled guiltily but it felt good to have said, to have been honest instead of holding back, having to be nice and look for Shira's impossibly good side. She sipped some more whiskey and Jess asked,

"Why is she a bitch?"

"Because," Rory said, wiping her mouth, "She thinks there's only one thing I should be doing and that's give Logan kids. She doesn't care about what I do, who I am, she hates that I married him. The only thing I'm good for is giving her grandchildren."

She wiped at her eyes and Jess asked anxiously,

"Are you -?"

"No," Rory snapped, shaking her head. "Much to everyone's disappointment, including Logan's."

"He wants kids now? What's the rush?"

"It's the prime age to have a baby!" Rory said furiously, feeling tears burn at her eyes. "Forget everything else, forget what I want, we should be having sex and making babies and getting a membership at the country club so we can use a family discount and he can go golfing with my grandfather while I just...I just..."

Her voice trailed away and Jess asked curiously,

"What do you want?"

"I don't know!" Rory sobbed, putting her drink down. "I don't know what I want! God, it's all so screwed up, _I'm_ so fucked up, I –"

She broke into tears. Jess got up and returned with a box of tissues which Rory took gratefully, burying her face into and wiping away the worst of her tears.

"You know, everyone's right," she said, her words falling over each other. "Paris was right. I'm not doing anything and I know what I should be doing but I can't, and I'm just sitting around waiting for Logan to come home and bring him beer. It's all I'm good for."

"It's not all you're good for," Jess said quietly and Rory shook her head violently.

"Look at me, I'm a Yale graduate and I'm not working, I'm not writing, not even for myself. I'm just Logan Huntzberger's wife and I'm not even good at that, I'm messing everything up."

Rory fell silent and felt her breathe heave in and out. She expected Jess to say something, to meaninglessly correct her but instead he asked,

"What did you fight about?"

"Everything," Rory said miserably. "Tonight, his mother, me...he took her side," she added, knowing she sounded childish. "When she was telling me to stop thinking about work and start having kids – he just laughed and said I couldn't take a joke. He couldn't see how I upset I was, or he didn't care. He yelled at me."

Rory picked up her glass again and drank some more, tired of talking, but she put it down in shock as Jess asked,

"Why did you marry him?"

Rory opened her mouth to question why he was asking yet found herself saying,

"I don't know."

Jess raised his eyebrows and Rory said hastily,

"I loved him."

"That's always a good starting point," Jess joked and Rory quickly added,

"I still do, of course."

Jess nodded and she sighed, meandering into memory.

"I was graduating Yale," she said, the glass suddenly feeling hot in her hand. "And I didn't know what I was going to do afterward. Everyone had these great plans, you know? Grad school or jobs and I didn't have a clue. I got a job and I was stupid enough to turn it down because I wanted a Fellowship."

"That's not stupid."

"It is when you don't get it," Rory countered. "I felt so dumb and arrogant. Everyone had plans, had thought it through, Paris had medical school and I had nothing, not even the job I thought I was too good for. I didn't want to go to law school or something so I figured I'd just see where I went. My grandparents threw me this incredible graduation party and then, right in front of everyone, Logan proposed."

Jess stared at her, making Rory blush.

"In front of a room full of _people_?" he asked incredulously. "Didn't you hate that?"

"Yes," Rory said with a bitter laugh. "And I didn't give my answer in front of everyone. I took Logan aside and honestly, I was going to say that I wasn't sure – we were really young, after all, and it was a total shock – but he said all these things to me."

"What things?" Jess asked quietly and Rory bit her lip, wondering why she felt so ashamed.

"How he loved me and how he knew I loved him and how we should jump."

Jess looked at her quizzically and Rory felt her whole face turn red.

"When I was in my sophomore year," she said quickly. "I found out Logan was part of this Yale secret society called The Life and Death Brigade."

"Rich kids pulling stupid stunts?" Jess asked and Rory laughed.

"Something like that. I got talked into doing one – it was the deal for reporting about it to the paper. We got up on this huge platform, and I was wearing this incredible dress, and we jumped right off the top wearing wires and holding umbrellas. It was totally safe but I was scared and Logan told me we only live once and we should jump, so I did. It was wonderful," she said sadly, the day seeming so long ago. "It's our best memory together."

Jess nodded and Rory continued,

"He said getting married would be like that – a new adventure. I still wasn't sure but he looked so excited, so hopeful, and we'd just had a year together as a real couple, not like college kids fooling around that I said yes. I thought he would cry. We rode in this horse drawn carriage all through town and got married a year later."

"Was it?" Jess asked. "An adventure?"

"Maybe," Rory said. "But now I don't know where I am."

She picked up her glass and took a long drink of whiskey. Her head was beginning to feel light but in a good way. Jess didn't say anything and, to break the silence, she said,

"I wondered if he was trying to prove something to me. His dad made him go to London the summer after he graduated and he really worked hard – he drank less, he showed up to meetings and he flew out to surprise me. It was like he wanted me to know that he was always going to be there and not screw things up, not get himself hurt like in the accident."

"What accident?"

Rory looked at him and felt guilty.

"When I went to see you," she said slowly. "Did I tell you what Logan had done to me?"

"He was cheating on you," Jess said coldly. "And I wanted to kill him."

"Well, I wanted to kill him too," Rory said bravely. "I was so mad at him. He'd gone off with his Life and Death Brigade buddies to go diving off cliffs in South America – all safe, they said – and I told them it was dumb. Logan yelled at me for being a killjoy and I thought, as he left, _I hope they mess up._"

Rory took a dragged breath, feeling tears build up as she said,

"I didn't mean for them to hurt themselves – not badly. I just wanted them to know how stupid they were being and then I got a call to say Logan was in hospital and might be dying because his stunt went wrong, after all, and...and...I couldn't believe what I'd done," Rory sobbed. "What I'd _thought_."

"Thoughts don't make people fall off cliffs, Rory," Jess said gently. "You didn't make him do anything. You told him how stupid it was and he still did it."

"With a load of alcohol in his system," Rory said bitterly, shaking her head. "But I was still in Philadelphia, hurting him, hurting _you_, when he almost died!"

Tears fell freely down her cheeks and Jess asked quietly,

"Is that why you stayed with him?"

Rory looked up in shock. No one had asked her that before – no one even knew – and she said hesitantly,

"I don't know. I couldn't leave him, could I?"

"You didn't have to stay with him," Jess said in a voice which was neither scolding or sad. "You didn't owe him anything."

"He had to have someone," Rory argued. "Someone had to care for him – his family are jerks, I had to make his dad come down – and his friends are hardly the nursing type."

"He got better though," Jess said accurately. "You aren't still looking after him now."

Rory didn't know what to say. She looked at her glass and said helplessly,

"I love him."

Jess nodded and Rory wiped at her tears. She looked down at the box of tissues and laughed. Jess looked up curiously and she explained,

"This like the time in the therapy office."

"The what?"

"Oh – I had to go therapy when I went back to Yale," Rory said awkwardly. "Talk about why I dropped out."

Jess nodded. Rory expected him to ask how long she had gone for and what she'd talked about but he didn't. She drained her glass and said,

"Paris thinks I need therapy. She said I seem depressed."

She looked at Jess, wondering if he would agree or not, but he simply said,

"What do you think?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. "Maybe."

Jess nodded. Rory exhaled and said,

"With the way my life's gone the past five years I must be a psychiatrist's treat."

Jess looked at her curiously but she added, in a tired voice,

"I don't think I can talk about all that right now."

Jess nodded and didn't ask any further. Rory stared at empty glass for a moment and said sadly,

"I should go, it's late."

"Rory, I don't think you should be driving right now," Jess said, concerned. "You're tired and upset and you've drunk some truly disgusting whiskey."

Rory laughed in spite of herself and said,

"Not back to Hartford – I'll go to Mom's."

"It's pretty late, Rory," Jess argued, glancing at the clock which had just struck midnight. "You could stay here."

"What?"

"It's fine – the couch is comfortable enough. I'll sleep on it," he added quickly but Rory smiled and shook her head.

"I really appreciate the offer, Jess, but I can't stay here tonight. It's fine, I won't wake Mom, I have a key and anyway, she won't mind."

"It's really not a problem, Rory."

"I know, and I'm really grateful, but I shouldn't stay over. Logan would find out."

"So?" Jess asked simply. "We haven't done anything wrong. Doesn't he trust you?"

"He wasn't crazy about us eating breakfast – I don't think he's going to understand staying over," Rory said and, seeing Jess about to argue, she added firmly, "it's better this way – you won't lose your bed and I won't fight with Logan."

Jess nodded, still looking a little uneasy, and said,

"Let me walk you over there. It's late."

"It's Stars Hollow!"

"I know," Jess agreed. "But you're upset – I don't want you to walk alone."

Rory nodded and picked up her things. They walked silently to Lorelai's house and Rory told Jess,

"Thanks for everything."

"It's no problem."

"No, I mean it," Rory insisted, hoping he knew what she meant. "For before tonight."

If Jess was confused he didn't show it. He nodded and said,

"Anytime," with a ghost of a smile on his lips.

They had reached the house and Rory got her key out of her purse.

"Rory?" Jess asked curiously. Rory turned to him and asked nervously,

"Yeah?"

"Will you tell me about rooming with Paris?" Jess asked, clearly about to laugh. "Because I want to know if what I'm picturing is as good as reality."

Rory rolled her eyes and said,

"Next time."

"Next time?" Jess asked. "I like the sound of that."

Rory smiled and kissed his cheek, wanting to hug him but holding back.

"Goodnight, Jess."

"Goodnight, Rory."

He nodded, turned and walked away and Rory watched and watched until he was swallowed by the inky black


	11. Chapter 11

**I love comments!**

Rory carefully opened the door. She'd slid in the key as gently as she could but, being an old lock and never very smooth, she couldn't help making some noise. Rory winced, hoping it wouldn't wake her mother, but the house seemed still as she went into the hall.

She groped for the light and, just as she turned it on, she heard footsteps and looked up to see her mother creeping down the stairs, brandishing a cushion in front of her. She dropped it as she saw her daughter and exclaimed,

"Jesus, Rory!"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Rory said guiltily and, noticing the cushion added, "Going to attack the burglar with feathers?"

"Hilarious!" Lorelai snapped, hurrying down the last few steps. "Rory, what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!"

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"Yes, of course, but – Rory, what's going on?"

Rory looked down and her mother took her hands, bending to look at her face.

"Where's Logan?" she asked. "What's wrong, what's happened?"

"We had a fight," Rory said and, though she thought she'd cried out all her tears, she heard her voice wobble. "I couldn't stay there tonight, I'm sorry."

Lorelai made a soothing sound and took her into her arms, stroking her hair.

"It's okay," she said gently, rubbing her hand across Rory's hair. "It's okay, sweetie."

Tears spilled out of Rory's eyes and she sobbed,

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry for coming here like this."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Lorelai said firmly. "Go get changed and I'll make us some coffee – your bed's still made up."

Rory nodded and managed a watery smile. Her mother went into the kitchen and Rory went into her bedroom, finding another pair of flannel pyjamas in the drawer. She wasn't sure when she had last worn them but they felt soft and comforting and had a scent of lavender to them. She took off her dress and hung it up on a spare hanger and smiled ruefully – it looked odd hanging next to her Chilton uniform. She put on the pyjamas, tugged her robe on over the top, plus a pair of fluffy slippers, and padded out to the kitchen where her mother was brewing the coffee.

"Hey," Lorelai said as Rory sat at the table. Paul Anka woke up and came to join them, wagging his tail in a sleepy way. Rory absently patted his head, gld he was there.

"Hey," she returned quietly. Lorelai poured out the coffee and sat opposite.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, echoing Jess, and Rory shook her head.

"It was just a crappy, crappy fight," she said miserably. "And a crappy day."

"Didn't you go to his mom's tonight?" Lorelai asked and Rory grimaced and nodded. "Was that why it was crappy?" she guessed and Rory nodded again.

"She was being a cow...kept asking me if I was going to have kids soon."

"That's kind of personal! I mean, I know I ask you stuff like that but I'm allowed. Where did that come from?"

"Honor's pregnant," Rory told her. Lorelai smiled.

"Congratulations – you'll be an aunt."

"Oh yeah," Rory realised. "I hadn't thought of it like that."

"I always wanted to be an aunt," Lorelai mused. "Stupid Mom and Dad keeping me an only child."

"Yeah, being an only child sucks," Rory teased and Lorelai rolled her eyes.

"Oh, you love it. Besides, I didn't mind not getting to be an aunt because being your mom was ten times better!"

"Are you saying that just because I'm sad?" Rory asked and her mother looked at her curiously.

"Yes and no. Honey, what did you and Logan fight about? It had to be pretty bad for you to drive all the way out here."

Rory gripped the coffee mug in her hands.

"He took her side," she said hesitantly. "He didn't stick up for me when his mother was teasing about me not working and looking after him and I don't know, it just made me mad. He didn't apologise or listen to me, he said I was in the wrong for not being able to take a job and I don't know, I just had to get out of there."

"Yeah, I know that feeling," Lorelai said quietly and Rory took a deep breath.

"So I just got in the car and drove over here and saw Jess."

Lorelai had been drinking her coffee and put down the cup down with a splutter.

"You what?"

"I wanted to talk," Rory said uncomfortably, and looked away as Lorelai said, hurt,

"You can talk to me."

"I know," Rory said, daring to meet her mother's eyes again. "It wasn't like I was picking Jess over you, I just wanted to talk to him."

Her mother was silent and, for a moment, Rory wished she hadn't told her. She knew she would have felt worse not to, however, and she added tremulously,

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Lorelai said, trying to sound bright "No, it is – you don't have to come to me straightaway every time."

"But –"

"Rory," Lorelai said, smiling and putting Rory's heart at ease. "It's really okay."

"You still think it's weird," Rory said knowingly. "Don't you? What is it?"

Lorelai sighed.

"I don't know Rory, it's just...Jess? I'd understand going to Lane first, or Paris, but Jess?"

"He's a friend too."

"Rory, he's your ex-boyfriend, he broke your heart!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Isn't it kind of weird to talk to him about stuff like this?"

"Why?" Rory demanded, heart pounding. "We were friends first."

Lorelai nodded but they both knew she didn't agree. Rory drank the last of her coffee defiantly, staring deep into the cup.

"I think I'm going to go to bed," she said, putting it down on the table. "Thanks, Mom."

"Okay," Lorelai said, sounding a little surprised. "Sleep well, sweets."

"You too," Rory said, getting up and hugging her mother tightly. "Night."

Rory waited until her mother had gone upstairs before checking her phone. There were no calls or messages but she texted Logan all the same to let him know she was at Lorelai's before going too the bathroom and brushing her teeth with the toothbrush her mother had considerately bought her. She splashed cold water over and over her face and in her mouth but the taste of whiskey was still there as she went into her bedroom and crawled into bed. The room looked soft in the dim glow of the lamp and Rory closed her eyes gratefully as she switched it off, falling into a deep sleep as her head hit the pillow.

Sharp light assaulted her eyelids. Rory slowly opened them, wondering for a moment where she was and then why she was there and not in Hartford. She lay still and then remembered, sitting up and looking around the room. It was very early, just after six, and somehow it looked different to when she and Logan had stayed there a week before. Rory looked at the bright, cheerful walls, adorned with posters of all the places she had dreamed of going. She remembered buying the very first one when she was ten, tacking it up on the wall and wondering if she would ever make it out of the state. She had now been to almost every country on her list and, though travelling with Logan had been more luxurious, Rory still remembered backpacking through Europe as her best trip.

Rory swung her legs out of bed and drew back the curtains, casting the bright sheen of the morning across the room, the sunlight tickling her toes. She turned away from the window and looked back at her room. It felt good to have it to herself again, without waiting for Logan to come back. Rory stretched, feeling considerably more relaxed than she had in weeks, and looked at the books on her shelf. Her mother hadn't touched them and there were still secret layers of more across the room. They looked more welcoming than before.

Rory leaned up and took a book from the shelf; _Franny and Zooey_ which she remembered discussing endlessly with Jess. It had been years since Rory had read it. She flicked through it, smiling at the notes in the margins, and took it back to bed. She opened it, began to read, and jumped two hours later when her mother looked round the door.

"I was seeing if you were awake," Lorelai said, going over and sitting beside her. "What's that you're reading?"

Rory showed the cover. Lorelai smiled.

"I remember you being obsessed with that book."

"I was not obsessed!"

"If the shoe fits," Lorelai teased, laughing at her daughter's pout. She patted Rory's leg and said,

"I'm going to make some coffee."

Rory nodded and put the book down. She grabbed a towel and went upstairs to shower, only realising that she didn't have a spare set of clothes when she came back down. A search through her drawers provided some faded jeans and sweatshirts. Rory felt a little embarrassed as she looked in the mirror, wearing the uniform of her teenage years. It was almost as though another Rory was looking back and hastily she folded the dress she had worn and put it in a paper bag, hoping it wouldn't crease. Then she went out into the hall and checked her phone. She had no messages yet didn't feel terribly hurt and, instead, she went into the kitchen where a wonderful aroma of coffee was filling the air.

Lorelai was tipping pancakes onto plates as her daughter came into the room.

"Sit, sit!" she insisted, gesturing with the spatula and, noticing the phone, "did Logan get back to you?"

Rory shook her head and Lorelai frowned.

"Well," she said brightly, "maybe he's nervous or couldn't get through."

"Maybe," Rory agreed, slipping the phone in her pocket. She remembered the times before anyone owned a cellphone and how much easier it was to lie to yourself if a phonecall never came through. She picked up a fork, dug into the food and rolled her eyes as her mother laughed.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just didn't know the casual look was back in."

"Hey, these clothes have never gone out of fashion," Rory said angrily. "I never wore stupid trends as a teenager, you can't mock me for jeans."

"No, but I can mock you for wearing a shirt that says _Millennium Teen_ on the cuff," chortled Lorelai. Rory looked down, blushed and started to laugh. They were still giggling by the time they finished their pancakes.

"So, do you want to go to Luke's?" Lorelai asked, picking up the plates. Rory opened her mouth to agree but then she hastily shook her head.

"Why?" Lorelai demaded, crestfallen. "His pancakes are way better than mine, they come with strawberries!"

Rory had thought the same but suddenly remembered that Jess might be there and she felt embarrassed, suddenly, about drinking whiskey in his darkened apartment and telling him her problems. It had felt good at the time but after hearing her mother's confusion she felt a little awkward about it and wondered if she should have gone straight to Lorelai after all. It was a little odd, she knew, to go to her ex-boyfriend for advice about a marital fight and she knew she wouldn't enjoy breakfast with Jess in the room, painfully reminding her of the night before.

"I should get back," she said firmly. "Settle this thing with Logan."

To her surprise and relief Lorelai nodded.

"I understand. Drive safe and here, have another pancake for the road."

Rory nodded and as she began to eat she told her mother,

"I had a fight with Paris."

"You didn't tell me that last night."

"I know, I didn't want to think about it. She said..."

Rory's voice trailed off and Lorelai looked at her curiously.

"She said I'm not looking hard enough for a job," Rory said in a low voice. "That I'm unhappy."

She looked nervously at her mother, unsure of what she wanted her to say. Lorelai was silent for a full minute and eventually asked,

"Do you think there's truth in that?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. Lorelai sighed.

"You have seemed kind of down lately," she admitted. "But I thought it was the stress of the move, or..."

"It is," Rory said quickly. "Paris just caught me on a bad day."

Lorelai nodded despite looking unsure. Rory stood up.

"I'm going to hit the road."

Half an hour later Rory was back in Hartford. The roads had been clear and she could have been home quicker but she remembered her mother telling her she was going to be an aunt and made a stop at a baby store where she bought a pink teddy bear. She nearly chose one in green but was suddenly forcibly remembered of Sherry's baby shower and how green was the new pink, so chose a different colour.

Rory drove back to the apartment and started up the stairs, feeling horribly nervous. She hadn't felt anxious at all on the drive but wondered if her husband's silence was cause for concern and her hand shook as she took out the key and opened the door. She dropped them in surprise as she pushed it open and smiled. Logan was standing in the middle of the room with the largest bouquet of flowers she had ever seen and walked over to her, holding them out with a boyish smile.

"Logan, what -?"

"I'm sorry," Logan said, smiling sheepishly. "Forgive me?"

"I..of course, they're beautiful," Rory exclaimed, staring at the blooms. "We have to put them in water."

"Done," Logan said, taking them to a vase he had prepared on the table. "Are we okay?"

"Of course," Rory said as he turned back round. "I'm sorry I drove off like that."

"I'm sorry I yelled. I know Mom can be tough."

Rory nodded gratefully.

"I'm sorry I didn't text back," Logan said, putting his arms around her. "I was out buying those."

Rory opened her mouth, to try and explain the rest, but Logan was putting his mouth on hers and she relaxed into his kiss. She opened her mouth as he slid his tongue into hers but stopped, pushed him away and exclaimed,

"Logan, how much have you been drinking?"

"It was only last night, after you left," Logan protested. Rory caught sight of the empty liquor bottle on the table and asked,

"Didn't you brush your teeth?"

She knew she was in no place to judge, after the whiskey the night before, but suddenly saw the odd, bright look in her husband's eye and smelt the freshness of drink of his breath. She opened her mouth to ask further but Logan kissed her again, filling her mouth with the taste again, and said gently,

"We've just finished one fight, let's not start another."

Rory nodded and he added,

"It's hard for me too, settling in. I was thinking of throwing a housewarming party."

"Alright," Rory said doubtfully, her mind still on the bottle on the table and Logan noticed the teddy in her hand and laughed.

"Need that to sleep at night?"

"It's for Honor," Rory said defensively. "My first present as an aunt."

"She's not due for more than six months," Logan said dismissively and Rory snapped,

"Your mother's building up a regular collection already."

"Rory, I told you to relax about that," Logan said, tracing a finger over her collarbone. "Mom's not in charge of when we have kids."

Rory smiled but didn't relax. She knew her husband would prefer it to be sooner rather than later, hugged him and didn't say a word. He relinquished her and Rory went to hang up the dress, sighing with disappointment. It had creased all the same.

Logan took her to a fancy restaurant for breakfast. The food was incredibly expensive and delicious yet Rory thought, as she bit into her four egg omelette, that she would sooner have eaten at Luke's after all. When they returned Logan fell asleep on the sofa, snoring loudly, and Rory took the laptop into the bedroom. She searched for jobs in Connecticut, bookmarking some sites, and, though she felt frightened at the idea of actually applying to any, she felt that she had made a step by doing it.

The rest of the week was dull. Logan was late home every night and all the dinners Rory made were either spoiled or eaten alone. It was, he claimed, due to a tough business partner named Stu and, when Rory confessed to being lonely in the evening, he said blithely,

"I'm sure you'll find some way to entertain yourself. Got to run, Ace. I've got a meeting in Boston."

He kissed her cheek and slammed the door. Rory was still seething with anger by evening and, upon receiving a message to say he was working so late he was going to stay in Boston Rory was even more furious. She sat alone at the table, her lonely dinner uneaten, and then she picked up her phone. She had a way to entertain herself, she thought grimly, and dialled her friend's number.

"Hey, Jess," Rory said as he picked it up. "What are you doing tonight?"


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks for the feedback!**

There was little traffic on the roads and it did not take Rory long to drive to Stars Hollow, stop the car and meet Jess by the gazebo, where, as before, they had planned to meet.

"Hey," she said, giving him a wide smile. He grinned back.

"Hey," he said. "Want to tell me what this is about?"

"Logan's in Boston all night," Rory said, slamming the car door shut. "I thought you might want to hang out."

Jess nodded and she asked nervously,

"Is that weird?"

Jess shook his head and she added awkwardly,

"Because I could just –"

"I'm glad you called," Jess said, cutting her off and she smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Have you eaten?"

"Some," Rory said, sliding her purse onto her shoulder. "But I could eat more."

"Come on."

Jess turned and led the way from the gazebo. Rory stopped as she saw the familiar street and asked,

"Aren't we going to eat at Luke's?"

"Hey, I can cook too," Jess said, stopping to look at her. "Believe it or not."

Rory raised an eyebrow and he laughed.

"You won't regret it, I promise not to give you food poisoning."

"When you put it like that," Rory teased. "Okay, I'll let you cook."

"It's going to taste good too," Jess said firmly, unlocking the door. "Trust me."

They made their way into the apartment and flicked the switch, flooding the apartment with light. Jess went into the kitchen and Rory followed but he waved her away, gesturing with a wooden spoon.

"Go sit. I won't give you food poisoning but I can't say the same for you."

"Mean," Rory grinned. "I cook for Logan nearly every night."

"He trusts you with that?"

"I haven't made him throw up yet."

"I'm impressed," Jess said, getting out a pan. "Does he ever cook for you?"

Rory shook her head, eating one of the mushrooms Jess had got out to chop.

"He usually gets back too late."

"Not even on weekends?"

Rory shook her head and said awkwardly,

"He doesn't like to cook much."

"What, because you're such a Martha Stewart?" Jess snorted. He laughed but stopped when he saw Rory's face and said quietly,

"Sorry, I didn't mean to –"

"It's okay," Rory said quickly. "I don't like cooking much, I just do it because I have to."

Jess looked like he wanted to add something but instead merely asked,

"So where is the husband tonight?"

"Boston, I told you. He had a meeting and it ran late."

"This late? When did it start?"

"Lunchtime, I guess," Rory said uncomfortably. "I don't know, he has a lot of work, there was probably tons to go over after."

Jess nodded and started chopping the mushrooms, pointing over at the living room with his spare hand.

"Sit," he said. "Make yourself comfortable, read something."

"I'm not allowed to help?"

"Tonight, no," Jess said firmly. "You're the guest, you deserve a break from the kitchen."

"I don't mind."

"Rory, do you want to cook?" Jess asked knowingly. Rory blushed. "Go relax."

Rory smiled and wandered into the living room, enjoying her chance to see it properly. She examined the bookshelves and settled into an armchair with a heavy volume of Proust, jumping when Jess told her dinner was ready half an hour later.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly as she put the book down. "Didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's okay – I've read it before."

"Yeah?"

"Years ago," Rory clarified, getting up from the chair. "I only read the first book – I meant to read all of them but it took so long to read the first that I never got around to the rest."

"They're pretty hard going."

"Have you read all the volumes?"

Jess nodded and grimaced.

"Don't think I'll be reading it again though," he said fervently. Rory laughed. "Anyway – dinner's ready."

Rory followed Jess to the table where he handed her a plate of pasta and sauce, filled with mushrooms and onions.

"Sorry it's not much," he said with shyly as Rory took a bite. "Hope I didn't give you false hope."

"Jess, it's delicious," Rory exclaimed and his face broke into a smile. "Way better than what I can make."

"It's pretty simple."

Rory smiled as he took a seat opposite and they began to eat, Jess refusing any offers of cleaning up.

"So," Jess said as they finished eating and went back to the living room. "Was everything okay? I didn't see you after...did you get home okay?"

Rory looked down, ashamed, and Jess added wryly,

"Kind of a stupid question – you're sitting here, of course you did."

Rory let out a breath.

"I got home fine, everything's fine. I made up with Logan."

"Good," Jess said quietly. "That's good."

Rory nodded and he hesitated.

"Do you want a drink of something? Coffee?"

Rory smiled and he asked in disbelief,

"You seriously want some of that whiskey again?"

"I don't know – I just feel like something other than coffee."

"Are you feeling okay?" Jess asked seriously, getting up. "I got some wine this week from a client, how about that?"

"That sounds great," Rory said. "Maybe just one glass."

Jess nodded and returned with two glasses, pouring out a good measure. He lifted his glass and said,

"Cheers," and Rory did the same in a quieter voice. She took a sip and fell into silence.

"What's wrong?" Jess asked, noticing. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Rory sighed, looking at the glass. "I was just thinking about last week, when I got home. Logan had been drinking."

"A lot?"

"I don't know – there was only one bottle on the table but I saw three more in the recycling box," Rory said slowly. "And he said it was just last night, when he was upset that we'd fought, but it tasted really fresh on his breath."

"You think he was lying?"

"No, I – I don't know," Rory said unhappily. "I mean, I was drinking too."

"Only the night before."

"Maybe he was telling the truth," Rory said doubtfully. "Maybe he just hadn't brushed his teeth."

Jess nodded but he concentrated on drinking his wine, not saying anything to placate her. Rory put the glass down.

"You know, I'm sick of talking about Logan," she said irritably. "I feel like all I do right now is think about where he is and what he wants, whether if it's for dinner or for going out or..." her voice trailed off and she finished fervently, "let's talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"I don't know," Rory admitted, glancing over him. "You pick the subject.

"Okay," Jess said. "Tell me about you."

"What about?" Rory asked, her face feeling hot, and Jess shrugged.

"Anything. Tell me about Yale – I didn't see you for two years between the time I..."

It was his turn to look embarrassed and Rory said quietly,

"I remember."

"Can I ask you something?" Jess said. Rory looked at him nervously. "What happened? What was it that made you quit school? I don't get it."

Rory stared down at her wine and Jess added in a more gentle tone,

"I'm not trying to be a jerk and if you don't want to talk about it, it's none of my business. I'm just – I'm curious, Rory. You loved school, you wouldn't leave Yale when I asked you to. What happened?"

Rory was quiet for a while. She took a long drink of wine and said,

"God, it got so screwed up. I was so screwed up."

Jess was silent and she sighed.

"I guess it was Logan's dad – Mitchum Huntzberger, he's a big newspaper tycoon. He asked me to intern for him and I thought it was going to be so great. I had such a great time working for him, even though the rest of his family hated me, and I thought I was impressing him so much. Then one day I got pulled into his office and he told me I would never be a journalist."

"What?"

"Yeah," Rory said miserably, lying back into the chair. "He said I didn't have it what it takes. It totally crushed me."

"Jerk," Jess said quietly and Rory added with a bitter laugh,

"It gets better. I stole a boat."

"You _what_?"

"Yep – I went to a party for Logan's sister at the docks and I was just hurting so much that I wanted to do something reckless and irresponsible and there was a boat right there. So we took it."

Jess stared at her in disbelief and she said,

"We got arrested, Mom picked me up from jail and I decided to quit. I just...I felt so overwhelmed. I'm not trying to make excuses, I know I did a really dumb thing, but it didn't feel like I could do anything anymore. I wasn't going to be a journalist, I'd committed a felony and there wasn't a plan anymore. I had to take a break."

Jess nodded and asked,

"So how come you were at the grandparents?"

"Mom was less understanding," Rory said. "I've never seen her so mad, so disappointed. We didn't talk for practically six months."

She drank the last of her wine and said in a low voice,

"I think they were the worst six months of my life."

"You went back," Jess said softly. "You made it right."

"Because you told me to," Rory said, putting the glass down. "And I know I shouldn't think this but sometimes I wonder...should I have?"

"You're not serious."

Jess sounded disappointed and Rory flushed.

"No," she said, taking the bottle and pouring herself more wine. "I'm glad I went back, you were right, you and Mom. It's just – I'm not doing anything and sometimes it seems like all that knowledge was for waste."

"Knowledge is never waste, Rory," Jess said quietly, pouring himself more wine as well. "Having it is what counts."

Rory smiled and drank the wine. For a while they sat in comfortable silence.

"That's why I had therapy," she told him. "When I went back, I had to talk about the boat and all this other stuff."

"What other stuff?"

"Other relationships," Rory said awkwardly and Jess looked at her quizzically.

"Before Yale?"

"Yes," Rory admitted. "And no."

"Logan wasn't -?"

Rory had been drinking wine and choked slightly.

"God, no," she said, wiping her mouth. "I didn't lose my virginity to_ Logan_."

"Not exactly what I asked," Jess said with a crooked grin and they both laughed. "Who then? Some other preppy guy?"

"No," Rory said, her good mood quickly dispersing. "He wasn't from Yale."

"Not from Yale?" Jess echoed, confused and then he said in a quiet, knowing voice, "Dean."

Rory didn't bother asking how he'd guessed and flushed as Jess asked,

"Wasn't he married?"

"Yes," Rory said miserably. "It's probably the worst thing I've ever done."

"How did -?" Jess started to ask but then drank his wine, stopping himself. Rory answered all the same.

"I was really unhappy," she said carefully, "my first year of Yale. No one knew it and I never told anyone but I was. It was much harder than I thought, living away from home, and I missed Mom so much. I missed everyone. Lane stayed for a while but then she had to go and I had Paris but she was from Chilton and just missed Stars Hollow so much. Mom was crazy busy than year with starting her inn and I had a ton of work and we kept missing each other and whenever I had a bad day she wasn't there. One day, I had a horrible day, the worst day ever – I was told I had a drop a class."

"Is that so bad?" Jess asked and Rory sighed.

"Not really but I was so stressed and down that it felt awful. My grandfather had taken the same number of coursse and he'd managed. I felt like a total failure."

Jess looked at her sympathetically and Rory continued,

"I drove home looking for Mom. I couldn't find her at the inn but Dean was there – he was working on the construction crew – and he made me feel so much better. He let me talk and he held me and it was like how it used to be. He used to make me feel safe."

Rory glanced up, wondering if she should be saying these things but Jess didn't look hurt and instead he said wisely,

"He was reliable."

"Yeah," Rory said, drinking some more. "And even though we broke up for a reason it was as if all the bad times didn't matter anymore. He was there. We started talking more, as friends, and it made me feel better about being away from home. It didn't feel wrong, even when he told me Lindsay couldn't find out. I knew I had someone to talk to from Stars Hollow whenever I needed."

"Makes sense," Jess said quietly and Rory added,

"On the night you came to see me, I'd just had the worst date – Grandma set me up with this rich jerk and I went on a pub crawl with him and his buddies where they just got stupidly drunk, including the driver."

"Sounds like a great night."

"Oh, yeah. And I had to get home but I didn't have money for a cab so I called Dean. He came to pick me up and I showed him around campus."

"And then I showed up," Jess said, his tone odd, and Rory nodded.

"You showed up."

Rory couldn't think of what to say but Jess looked into her eyes.

"You were right not to go away with me," he said slowly. "Whatever happened – you were right and I know that. I knew that then."

"I didn't have to be so harsh."

"I freaked you out, I did it all wrong," Jess said angrily. "All wrong, that wasn't my plan. I was never going to ask you to run away, I..."

He scratched behind his ear and said,

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Jess," Rory said softly. She placed her hand on his and added ruefully, "Like I can judge."

"Rory, don't think that because you messed up it makes me what I said less dumb."

"It wasn't dumb," Rory said gently. "Whatever it was, it wasn't dumb."

Jess nodded. They caught each other's eyes once more and then Rory quickly removed her hand, wrapping it around her glass. Jess coughed.

"Sorry to steal the story," he said. "You were talking."

"You can guess where it's going," Rory said honestly. "I was freaked out, Jess. I didn't mean what I said, that I didn't love you anymore. I don't know what I felt but it wasn't true, what I said. I was upset and scared and when you left and I went home it felt good seeing Dean again."

"Dean wouldn't beg you to run away with him, " Jess said knowingly and Rory shook her head.

"It was the night of the grand opening of the inn," she said, feeling the familiar twinge of shame. "And Mom asked me to run home and grab some music for the inn. I was just piling up some CDs when Dean was at the door, asking to talk. We'd seen each other before, that day, and I told him about sending you away and he said he was glad. I knew what he was thinking, what I was feeling and when he came over he told me it was over, his marriage between him and Lindsay. He said they both knew it was over and then we were kissing and..." Rory stopped, not meaning to say so much. "He took his ring off and said it was all over. I believed him."

"He lied," Jess said. It was a statement rather than a question and Rory sighed.

"I should have known. Mom found us, that night, she was so mad at me, the way she looked at me – she was so disappointed. I knew I'd done something wrong but I was happy, it had felt right during – it hadn't felt like a lie. It had been wonderful and she came home and ruined it and I got mad at her, but mostly because I knew, underneath, that she was right. I saw Dean the next day and he obviously hadn't told Lindsay. I meant to tell him it had to be over but we had sex again. I went to Europe with my grandmother without telling Dean and when I came home he was still married. I wrote him a letter to say we could never do what we did again."

Rory stopped for a breath and, anticipating Jess's next words she said bitterly,

"Lindsay found out and she threw Dean out. I should have stayed away from him but I kept going back to him. I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty because Lindsay had never been right for Dean, that she'd made him unhappy all year by nagging him and making him work so hard. He loved me and I'd never do that to him and it could be like old times."

"I'm guessing it didn't work out."

"No. He would come over to my dorm and I went to his place a couple of times – he stayed with his parents for a while which was the most awkward thing ever – but it wasn't a real relationship. Even besides the fact that his divorce hadn't gone through yet, he had work and I had Yale and we just saw each other for sex. It wasn't love. I knew it but I kept doing it. I wanted it to be how it was."

The memory still stung, after all that time, and Rory said bitterly,

"He broke up with me at a party at Grandma's house, in front of a whole crowd of people. Logan was there with his friends. Dean said he didn't fit in anymore. He was right, but –"

"Dean's a jerk," Jess said and Rory looked to see him frowning in anger. "He's a jerk, Rory, he always was, even when he acted like the Golden Boy of Stars Hollow."

"I was a jerk too," Rory said unhappily. "I knew he was married to Lindsay and I still –"

"He told it was over. You didn't know."

"I knew the day after. I knew the whole time it was wrong and we were hurting Lindsay."

Jess was silent and then he said gently,

"You were lonely. Dean took advantage."

"It's not like I don't have my own mind. I made a mistake."

"You screwed up," Jess agreed. "But you were still in a bad place and Dean knew that. He lied to you. He used you, he ditched you in front of everyone, again, when you hadn't done anything wrong. He's a jerk."

"I didn't love him."

"You can't help that."

Rory nodded but she couldn't stop the large lump that had formed in the back of her throat. She took a large drink of wine to try and kill it and said,

"Dean moved a few years ago. I heard he married someone else."

"Let's hope he treats her better, whoever she is," Jess said. Rory noticed that she'd finished her second glass and Jess poured her some more after she nodded.

"How long was this thing with Dean for?" Jess asked and Rory shrugged.

"A month or so, I guess. After he broke up with me and I met Logan I decided I wanted something different. Logan wasn't reliable or responsible but he was fun and he was smart and it seemed easier."

"What did?"

"Not being with someone for love, not having to be serious," Rory explained and she blushed at Jess's incredulous look. "I would never have believed it if you said we'd get married and he wouldn't either, I bet. It was just sex for a while. It was fun but I liked having a boyfriend. I told Logan and he said he'd be that guy for me."

"Guess that was hard for him," Jess said coolly and Rory knew he was thinking of the women he had cheated on her with. She concentrated on the wine in her glass.

"You know the rest," she said. "I went back to Yale, after we saw each other, and Logan and I worked things out and now...here we are."

"Here we are," Jess echoed, drinking from his glass. "Now you're back."

"Logan's not happy we're back," Rory confessed. Jess looked at her.

"No?"

"He misses California. He prefers warmer weather."

"Yeah I got that," Jess remarked. "Doing his stunt in South America. What about you?"

"Huh? I never jumped off cliffs – my stunt was right here."

"No, California. Did you like it?"

"No," Rory said emphatically, surprised at her own venom. "I hated it there and I never want to go back."

Jess raised his eyebrows but didn't ask further. Rory drained her glass.

"I'm sure Logan will be fine once he settles in," she said quickly. "He's thinking of throwing a housewarming party. You could come."

"I don't think so, Rory," Jess said, shaking his head with a laugh. Rory's heart sank.

"It could be fun," she said weakly. "I'd like to have a friend there."

"Rory, somehow I don't think your husband will want to invite me over for cocktails. What did he say about you coming here the other night?"

Rory was silent and he guessed,

"You didn't tell him."

"I was going to – I got distracted when I saw he'd been drinking."

"Are you scared of what he'll say?"

"No, I just – it's easier," Rory said hotly and Jess nodded.

"Then I don't think a party invitation is the way to go. Remember the last time we all went for a drinks?"

Rory bit her lip.

"I'm sorry about that," she said honestly. "He was a jerk."

"You're not the one who should be apologising," Jess said simply. Rory hesitated and said,

"It was after that that..." Jess looked at her inquisitively and she said,

"I went back to Yale and Logan cheated on me."

"Did one have something to do with the other?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. "I hope not."

"I hope that too," Jess said seriously. "Because any guy who doesn't respect your mind can go to hell."

Rory stared at him and smiled. She opened her mouth to say something else and then noticed the half empty bottle of wine and gasped.

"What?" Jess asked, alarmed and Rory groaned,

"I was going to drive back and I forgot...I drank more than three glasses of wine. I can't drive back now."

"That's okay."

"No, it's not! I'm over my limit!"

"Stay here," Jess said simply and Rory shook her head.

"I couldn't."

"Why not? You can't drive and Logan's out of town – not that he should care," Jess added irritably. "I'll take the couch."

"But –"

"Rory, it makes more sense than you going and waking up your mom again. You said Logan's in Boston all night."

"I guess," Rory said doubtfully. "Thanks."

Jess nodded and Rory sat back in the comfortable cushions.

"What about you?" she asked suddenly. "You've heard all about me, what about you? What were you doing between the Truncheon and Stars Hollow?"

"I went to see my dad," Jess said, sounding uncomfortable. "That was a bust."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not – it kind of helped to know who he was. I don't think he's a bad guy, he's just...he couldn't be a dad, not to me. He could to Lily."

"Who?"

"His girlfriend's kid. She was smart."

Rory smiled at the affection in his voice but Jess sounded dour as he added,

"It didn't work out, staying there. I didn't have a future there and I missed you..."

"Jess –"

"I'm sorry I left the way I did," Jess said, moving closer so his knee brushed hers. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was going and I'm sorry I never called."

"You did call."

"I didn't say anything."

"It's no worse than what I did," Rory said sadly. "Leaving without saying goodbye."

They looked into each other's eyes. Rory was suddenly aware of the heat of Jess's leg, knowing she should move hers, but the pressure felt gentle and good. She absently rubbed an itch on her arm and Jess coughed and moved away, to her inexplicable disappointment.

"Yeah, well. I went to New York for a while, not doing much of anything, living in a dump. Then I came back when Liz got married, when you –" he stopped, embarrassed, and hastily said, "I went back to New York. I found a class for literature and workshop and I went there between working in bars. I started writing and I met Chris and Matthew and then suddenly this insane idea we had for a publishing house became real and I moved to Philadelphia."

"That's great, Jess," Rory said warmly. "More than, it's –"

"Stop, you'll make me blush!"

"You deserve the praise!" Rory laughed. "No, you do."

He nodded, smiling, and Rory tried to ask casually,

"Did you ever meet anyone?"

He met her eyes again.

"No one special."

Rory didn't ask further. They passed the bottle of wine between them, finishing the dregs and the room seemed closer and more comforting. Jess put on some music, a band Rory couldn't place but knew Lane would approve of, and for a while they sat in silence, not needing to talk.

"Logan's sister is going to have a baby," Rory said suddenly. "I'm going to be aunt."

"Congratulations – being an aunt is fun, I hear."

Rory nodded and then she blurted out,

"I thought I was pregnant, right before we moved."

"What would you have done?" Jess asked in his own, direct way, and Rory said honestly,

"I wanted to get rid of it. I don't know if I'd have felt differently if it had been true, but...what do you think?"

"I think it's your decision," Jess said and Rory exhaled.

"I never told Logan. He knows I don't want kids right now but he keeps talking about the future and I don't know if – I don't know. I haven't even told Mom."

She fell silent and looked at her hands. Jess leaned closer and said gently,

"You don't have to explain to me, Rory."

"I know," Rory said quietly. She didn't elaborate that she was trying to explain to herself.

"Did you like it?" she asked and Jess frowned, confused. "California?"

"It had its moments," Jess said thoughtfully. "But I can't say I want to go back again. It's not the place for me - for either of us."

Rory smiled and nodded, closing her eyes to the tune on the record.

"Guess not," she whispered.

It was only when the clock struck eleven that Rory said perhaps they should go to bed and Jess nodded, quickly getting up and leading Rory into the bedroom. It was fairly bare yet still looked inviting, Jess's own, with a movie poster on the wall and a bookshelf in the corner. Jess rummaged through his drawer and came up with a baggy T-shirt and shorts.

"You can sleep in those, if you want," he said, sounding slightly awkward. "There's water in the kitchen. I'll be out here if you need me."

Rory thanked him and prepared for bed. She heard Jess washing the dishes outside and she noticed a framed photo of a little girl on the bedside table with long, messy black hair, so like her brother. It had to be Doula and Rory smiled at it before turning out the light. She had little time to remark on the turn of events before closing her eyes and sliding into a comfortable sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory opened her eyes. An unfamiliar room greeted her and she sat up, completely confused, before remembering where she was and lying back, a little embarrassed. Jess's shirt was soft against her skin and still held Jess's scent which Rory remembered from all those years ago. The alarm clock showed that it was just past eight and Rory looked around the room properly. It was small but Jess had made it his own and Rory picked up the book on the bedside table, a beam of sunshine from the window casting a light across her arm. The book was by Kurt Vonnegat. Rory flicked through it, reading Jess's notes in the margins and smiling at the familiar, brusque writing. She stopped only when she caught sight of the time and hastily got out of bed and dressed.

Jess was up and cooking breakfast when Rory came out. He was wearing a grey T-shirt and jeans, more casual clothes than the kind he donned now, but still looked as smart as the night before.

"Hey," he said, smiling at her. "Good sleep?"

Rory nodded and gave him a small smile, trying not to blush. She felt embarrassed now and said awkwardly,

"I left your shirt and things on the bed."

"Thanks. You can have a shower, if you want."

Rory shook her head and said,

"Thanks, but I should head back."

"Do you have time for some breakfast?" Jess asked. Rory opened her mouth to say she shouldn't stay but it smelled wonderful and her mouth broke into a smile. Jess laughed.

"Bacon okay? I've make some coffee."

"Thanks so much, Jess," Rory said sincerely, perching down at the table. "I mean it, it was so good of you, giving up your bed and everything, you didn't have to."

"It wasn't a problem. The couch was fine."

"I shouldn't have stayed over."

"Why not?" Jess demanded. "Would it have been better to just sit in your apartment by yourself?"

"I guess not," Rory admitted, as Jess tipped the bacon onto her plate. "That smells incredible."

"I told you I could cook," Jess said smugly. "Why don't you try eating it?"

Rory laughed and did so, cautiously putting a piece in her mouth. It tasted as good as it smelled and for a while she didn't say anything as she ate the meat and drank her coffee.

"I can't remember the last time I had such a great breakfast," Rory said happily, putting the fork down. "Thank you, Jess."

He shrugged and smiled, looking abashed. Rory laughed and took another piece in her mouth.

"So what are the plans for today?" Jess asked. Rory shrugged with her mouth full of bacon.

"Head back, see how Logan's meeting was. Maybe do some housework."

Jess nodded and Rory cringed inwardly, knowing how dull it sounded.

"How about you?"

"Maybe head over to Luke's," Jess told her. "See if he needs any help. I might go over my schedule for next week...hey, why are you laughing?"

"Sorry," Rory giggled. "It's just weird to hear you talk about a schedule."

"Yeah, well it's weird to hear you talk about housework!" Jess retorted and Rory's laugh stopped in her throat. Her breakfast didn't taste as good as it had before.

"I'm not very good at that stuff," she admitted, putting her fork down. "I hate cleaning."

"Really? Your bedroom was always so neat – your room in Stars Hollow," Jess clarified but Rory already knew what he meant.

"I'm not untidy," she explained. "I don't mess things up, it's just needing to vacuum and tidy after Logan – he's not a slob but he always forgets to put his things away."

"How come you always do it?"

"Logan works all week," Rory said loyally. "He works so hard, it's not fair to expect him to do the housework as well. He says if I don't like doing it we should just get a maid."

"You don't want that," Jess said knowingly. Rory shrugged, embarrassed.

"No," she verified. "I know that we'd pay her well and I wouldn't have to clean but it just...it feels weird. Grandma and Grandpa have a maid. It would feel like I was living at their house and, I don't know, it always felt weird to get a stranger to clean up your mess for you."

Jess nodded but didn't say anything and, to break the silence, Rory added,

"It's not that much mess really – it's just us two."

"Like your grandparents," Jess said and Rory looked up, ready to retort, but something stopped her. She couldn't tell if Jess was teasing or not.

"I need to go," she said quickly, getting up and picking up her plate. "Thanks again."

"It's okay – sure you don't want some more coffee?"

"No," Rory lied, trying to smile. "I should get back. I don't know what time Logan will be home."

"Okay," Jess said quietly. Rory picked up his plate too, taking them to the sink, and started to wash them.

"Hey," Jess laughed, going over and taking them. "Save the housework for when you're back."

"It's the least I can do – you let me crash and cooked me breakfast."

"It was a pleasure," Jess said with a grin. "Sure you don't want more coffee?"

Rory almost agreed but shook her head, acutely aware of his disappointment.

"I really need to go. Thanks for letting me stay."

"Anytime," Jess said quietly and he watched her pick her purse and exit the apartment. Rory felt as though he was still watching all the way down the stairs.

She regretted her decision not to accept the coffee halfway back to Hartford. She had almost stopped at Luke's, positive she would see her mother, but that would require a conversation about why she was in Stars Hollow and where she had been. Rory hadn't done anything wrong but she anticipated her mother's confusion, repressed remarks and decided it would be better to drive home. She already had a headache from lack of caffeine.

Logan wasn't there when Rory got back. She made herself the biggest cup of coffee possible before running a load of laundry, sipping it gratefully as the clothes spun in the machine. Rory mulled over her evening and breakfast as she drank. She remembered telling Jess how delicious it had been and felt a stab of guilt, remembering Logan's breakfast which he had prepared the week before and, ashamed, she decided to do the same for Logan. She made pancakes, keeping the pan on a low heat, and was just starting to cook the bacon when the door slammed open, making her jump. Logan came in, whistling, and he placed a large kiss on Rory's lip before greeting her.

"Hey," Rory said fondly, his arms still around her waist. "You're back late."

"I texted you – I said I was coming home now."

"I know, I saw, but I thought you'd be home earlier."

"Are you mad at me?" Logan teased, kissing her neck and Rory shook her head, pushing him away slightly.

"How was Boston?"

"Good. Stu took us out drinking last night. I have no idea how we got back to the hotel."

"That's why you couldn't come home?" Rory asked, unamused by this anecdote. "Because you were out at a bar?"

"It ran late anyway," Logan said briefly. "There wasn't any point. The meeting went on for hours, we needed a drink. The Boston group are a riot!"

"Right," Rory said coldly and then, trying to change the subject, she said brightly, "Sit down anyway – I've just made breakfast."

Logan shook his head with a wide grin, still holding onto her.

"Thanks Ace, but Stu took us out for breakfast. I can't remember when I last ate so much."

"I've just cooked it," Rory said, feeling hurt, and Logan said,

"I can't eat anything else, I'll be sick."

He saw the pained look in her eye and joked,

"Think of it this way, you've got breakfast for two!"

Rory tried to smile but failed. Logan kissed her cheek.

"Forget it," he said. "I was going to take a nap. Want to take one with me?"

"Not really," Rory said irritably and Logan stared.

"You're not that annoyed? You didn't tell me you were making me breakfast. Come on Ace, don't be mad. There's extra food for you, how can you be mad about that?"

Rory smiled this time, in spite of herself and Logan laughed.

"Come take a shower with me," he said in a low voice. "Forget the food."

Rory looked at him helplessly and he grinned.

"We haven't done it in there yet."

Rory hesitated. She felt frustrated and angry about breakfast but Logan hadn't been so impulsive in a long time and besides, she did need a shower. Her clothes were sticking to her back.

"Okay," she said quietly, switching off the stove, and before she do anything else Logan was dragging her along, already taking off his clothes and not thinking of anything else.

Their shower was brief. They didn't talk as they washed and then they were having sex, though it was more Logan than Rory. He pushed himself into her and closed his eyes, not saying anything but letting out satisfied sounds. Roy stared at a spot of tile over his shoulder and didn't say anything, waiting for him to finish. Logan groaned as he came, leaning onto her. Rory sensed the rush of liquid inside her but felt nothing at all, closing her eyes until he shrank out. She hadn't come at all or even been close but Logan didn't notice. Instead he grinned at her and turned the water off, going into the bedroom to change. Rory picked up her towel and followed him. She selected some jeans and a shirt from her closet and looked at Logan in surprise as he clad himself in the shirt and boxers he slept in.

"What are you doing?"

"I told you I was going to have a nap," Logan said, pulling the covers back. "I'm exhausted."

"It's the middle of the day!"

"Excuse me, officer," Logan grinned. "I'm not too tired for another round, if you want."

"No – get some sleep," Rory said shortly. "I need to get some groceries."

"I told you we should get a maid," Logan yawned. "Then you could stay in bed too."

Rory frowned but merely said,

"Enjoy your nap. I won't be long."

Logan had already rolled over by the time she shut the door.

The supermarket was busy as it always was on a Saturday. Rory usually shopped on a weekday, when it was less crowded, but they were running low on a few things and she wanted to leave the apartment. She had just rounded a corner into the dry foods aisle, looking for pasta, when she almost walked into Paris Gellar. Their eyes met and for a moment Rory thought her friend would freeze her out, as she always had back in their days at Chilton. Paris looked slightly haughty but then she relaxed and she looked as awkward as Rory felt.

"Hey," she said uncomfortably.

"I needed allergy medicine," Paris said in a short voice. Rory nodded.

Neither friend added more until Rory blurted out,

"Paris, I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's – I'm sorry, I was a total jerk the other day. I shouldn't have snapped like that."

"I was never cut out much for advice," Pars said with a wan smile and Rory relaxed with relief.

"Hey – should we get out of here?" she asked, noticing a small crowd beginning to gather near where she was blocking the food. "I'm about done."

Paris nodded and Rory grabbed the first bag of pasta she saw. She paid for it and the two went to a coffee shop across the street, ordering cappuccinos and sitting by the window. There was an awkward silence again and Rory drank her coffee gratefully when it came.

"I've felt good this week," she said suddenly, putting her cup down. "I looked at some jobs – I don't know if I'll apply for them, but..."

Her voice trailed off and Paris said quietly,

"That's good."

"How come you're back?" Rory asked curiously. "You were only here last week."

"I had to bring Mom and Dad some stuff I forgot last time," Paris said in an irritable voice. "They're not allowed to leave Hartford."

"Oh."

They slipped into silence again and Rory drank some more coffee, sensing that the conversation was beginning to wane.

"Hey," she said, making Paris look up. "Guess who I saw last night?"

"Someone besides Logan?"

"Jess Mariano," Rory said, lowering her voice. "He's moved back."

Paris stared at her as she added cheerfully,

"I went over to his place."

"You went over to his place?" Paris asked, sounding disbelieving. "To what? Talk about the good old times?"

"I guess," Rory said, beginning to wish she hadn't said anything. Paris grinned and said,

"Did something else go on?"

"Paris!" Rory exclaimed, glancing around as if Logan had somehow appeared. "I'm _married_!"

"That doesn't stop people from having sex with old flames."

"Jess is not an _old flame_," Rory said angrily. "And we did not have sex. It was just two friends catching up."

"Right."

"I'm married," Rory said again. "I love Logan and having dinner with Jess didn't mean anything."

"Dinner?" Paris echoed, arching an eyebrow and making Rory blush.

"Stop it!"

"I'm not saying anything," Paris said firmly. "Just that I remember when he came over for dinner before – the three of us, remember?"

"Yeah," Rory said sadly, memory flashing in her mind of the three of them feasting and arguing over literature. It had been a great night, at least until Dean came by.

"I remember what I said," Paris said purposefully. "About having two guys fawn over you."

"I don't know what you're getting at," Rory said defensively, "but even if Jess was fawning over me, he couldn't do anything about it. I'm married and that means something."

Paris nodded and, though she didn't say anything, Rory felt as though she had said _more's the pity_.

"Well," she said eventually. "Either way, I'm glad you got out that apartment for one night at least."

Rory smiled weakly and worried about what to say if Paris asked how her husband had felt, but instead she finished her coffee and said,

"I should probably go before Mom makes another panicked phonecall. She loses it if I'm gone for longer than two hours."

"Okay," Rory said quickly but as her friend got up she found herself asking,

"Hey, Logan and I are having a housewarming party in a few weeks – why don't you come?"

"What?"

"Yeah – it'll be with his work friends but there'll be food and cocktails and it'll be fun. Please come."

"I don't know," Paris said awkwardly. "I've got a lot of lab work..."

Rory looked at her pleadingly and Paris smiled.

"Okay. I'll come."

"Thanks," Rory said gratefully. "It'll be fun."

"I don't know about that," Paris said gravely. "Presumably I won't have a designated driver so I won't be able to get drunk and blot out Huntzberger."

"He's not so bad," Rory said loyally. Paris picked up her purse.

"You seem a little happier," she said and Rory nodded cautiously. "I'm glad you're looking at jobs and talking to Jess, even if that's all it is and I'm sorry I yelled."

Rory nodded more firmly this time and Paris added, in a more serious tone,

"I still think you need to talk to someone though."

Rory stared and Paris walked towards the door, her blonde hair completely in place. Rory was still sitting at the table twenty minutes after she left.

On the way back from town Rory took a detour. She had been driving along the main road when suddenly she noticed the familiar turning and swerved, stopping at her old school. Chilton stared back at her, somehow so much smaller now, and Rory remembered how years ago – almost _ten_ years ago – she would ride the bus overloaded with bags and struggle towards the gates, intimidated yet excited by all she had to learn. Rory stared and stared at the school, which seemed to shame her, before starting the car up and turning back around. She wished she hadn't made the turning.

Logan was still in bed by the time she got back. Rory unpacked the groceries and he came out, his hair ruffled and his eyes crumpled with sleep.

"Hey babe," he yawned, kissing her cheek and sending a bad smell of sleep near Rory's nose. She shrank away and put the pasta in the cupboard.

"Good sleep?"

"Yeah."

Rory waited but he didn't ask how the shopping had gone, or why she had been a while, so she added,

"I ran into Paris."

"Geller? I thought her battery would have died by now," Logan chuckled and Rory resisted the urge to snap.

"She's fine," she said in a level voice. "Still studying Medicine. I invited her to our housewarming party."

"You what?" The sleepy, cheerful tone was gone from Logan's voice as he snapped,

"Why did you do that?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"She won't fit in. She doesn't work for the company. She doesn't know anyone."

"She knows me," Rory said angrily. "I wanted a friend there too."

"Finn and Colin will be there."

"Oh, and I suppose they work for the company now?" Rory asked sarcastically and Logan retorted,

"It's different."

"How? Because they're your friends?"

"Because they'll fit in!"

They stared at each other angrily and Rory finally said,

"I've invited her and I'm not going to take it back."

"Fine. It's fine."

Logan sat heavily on the couch and switched the television on. Rory went and sat down beside him and he put his arm around her.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you fix me a snack?" Logan asked. "I'm starving – you never made me lunch."

Rory got up silently, went to the counter and got out some onion to chop. As she glanced over at the stove she saw the remains of the breakfast forgotten in the pan, burned and ruined and wanted by no one. She picked them up, dumped them and blinked back the tears she blamed on the onion.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory and Logan set the date of the party three weeks later. It went without saying that it would be blacktie but when Rory asked her grandparents if they wanted to come they declined, to her guilty relief.

"It's a young person's party, dear," Emily said. "And it's been several years since we were young!"

Logan didn't even bother inviting Mitchum and Sira. Rory didn't pretend to be sorry.

The week before the party she went down to Stars Hollow to see Lorelai. They were sitting at the table, drinking coffee and catching up on news about the inn and troublesome guests.

"I thought Michel was going to self-combust," Lorelai sighed. She sipped her coffee and grinned. "Not that that wouldn't be funny."

"I'll tell Michel you said that."

"Oh, it's fine. I'll just buy him some cheese he likes," Lorelai grinned. "How about you? How's the new apartment?"

"It's fine," Rory said, shrugging slightly. "Logan's going to throw a housewarming party in a couple of weeks."

"That sounds fun!"

"Hopefully – it'll mostly be his work friends but I invited Paris."

Lorelai put her cup down and stared.

"_Paris_? How in the world did she get invited?"

"I invited her," Rory said uncomfortably. "We're still friends."

"I didn't know she was in town."

"She's not – her parents were allowed back to Hartford and she's helping them up. She's in Boston, it's not too far. I bumped into her the other day and asked her to come."

"What did Logan say?"

"He wasn't thrilled," Rory admitted. "But it's my party too and I should invite a friend. I'm not friends with his work colleagues."

"You don't like them?"

"I don't know them."

"Maybe you will at this party."

"Maybe," Rory said doubtfully and then shook her head. "No, it's not that kind of party. It'll be like those parties Grandma and Grandpa used to have, you know, where Grandpa would make shoptalk and Grandma would get impatient."

"Yikes."

"Yeah. Plus he has some new guy, practically a boss, called Stu, who keeps sending him to meetings and stuff and I know Logan will talk to him all night."

"With Paris there I don't think there's a danger of him bothering you."

"Hopefully." Rory finished her coffee and asked, "Mom, why don't you come?"

Lorelai looked uncomfortable.

"I don't know, Rory."

"Why not?" Rory demanded. "There'll food and cocktails – two things I know you like – and me and Paris isn't so bad –"

"Honey," Lorelai said gently. "You're right, those are all things I like – except Paris, some of the time – but I remember those parties Dad held. They were hideous. When I was old enough to stay up past nine I had to go to them and socialise – I was ten years old and was told to _go mingle_. What was I supposed to say? I'd just stand there while Dad and his friends made business talk and I'd try not to cough from the cigars they weren't supposed to be smoking."

"But it's not Grandma's party," Rory said eagerly. "It's _my_ party. I won't make you mingle and there won't be cigars!"

"I'll have flashbacks! Sweetie, those parties really aren't my thing. Look, Paris will be there and you can come down the next day and we'll mock it together."

Rory nodded but knew the disappointment showed in her face. Lorelai bit her lip and asked guiltily,

"Sweets, does it matter so much that I come? I'll come. When is it?"

"Mom –"

"No, it'll be more fun if we mock it at the time."

"Mom, you don't want to go," Rory said heavily. "It's fine. I don't want you to come and be miserable."

"I feel like I'm letting you down."

"No," Rory said quickly and then, in a more cheerful tone, "no, don't be silly. It's fine. It's my husband's party, for God's sake, I don't need my mommy to hold my hand."

"Are you dreading it that much?"

"Huh?"

"You're making it sound like a dentist appointment," Lorelai said knowingly and Rory forced her face into a smile.

"No – I'm just nervous that people won't come or something."

"There's no danger of that, it's Logan's party. Besides, I think you'd like that – you never enjoyed parties. I know you. You'd rather curl up in your room with a book!"

Rory smiled and didn't tell her mother that she hadn't read anything for a while. The realisation made her uneasy and she decided to register at the library when she got back.

"Well," Lorelai said, checking her watch. "I should get back to the Dragonfly. Are you still meeting Lane?"

"Yep – I should get going."

"Then let's get!"

They walked to the jeep together and Lorelai kissed her daughter's cheek. Rory's car was parked beside it but Rory made no move to get in.

"Bye, sweets. You're not going to drive?"

"No, it's not far. I feel a like a walk anyway."

"Really? It looks like it might rain."

"It's okay, Mom, really. I'll be there in five minutes."

Lorelai nodded, waved, climbed into the jeep and started the car. Rory watched her disappear around the corner before starting to her friend's house.

The day was overcast and as Rory approached Lane's house fat raindrops began to fall. She let them fall, unperturbed, and the rain fortunately did not properly start until Rory was inside. She sipped the cup of tea Lane made her and watched the sheen of water against the glass.

"Rory?"

Rory turned around and saw Lane had settled on the couch with her own cup and, smiling, she followed suit. The house was silent: the twins were with their grandmother and Nico was astonishingly fast asleep.

"Sorry," she said, shaking herself. "I got distracted."

"It's okay," Lane said cheerfully. "I know the feeling."

Lane looked tired. Her hair was tangled, looking as though Lane had hastily run a brush through it, and there were bags under her eyes. Lane yawned and said,

"Bad night."

"Really?"

"It's more unusual to have a good night's sleep," Lane said darkly. "Nico yells half the night and then once she's settled one of the boys wakes up and wakes his brother up and they finally all fall asleep at dawn."

Rory winced and Lane sighed.

"Never have kids," she said and then, shaking her head, she hastily said, "No, I don't mean that. They're worth it, it's just..."

"Yeah."

"Appreciate your sleep now, that's all I'm saying," Lane laughed and Rory giggled, deciding it would be inappropriate to tell her friend that she spent most nights lying awake without knowing why. She didn't have any children, let alone three, so instead sipped her tea and kept her insomnia to herself.

"So tell me," Lane said, lying back against the cushions and letting out an exclamation of pain as she pulled out a hidden toy. "How's Hartford?"

"It's fine," Rory said as Lane dropped the toy on the floor, looking annoyed. "Logan's throwing a party next week."

"A party?"

"A housewarming party," Rory explained. "Mostly his work colleagues – there'll be cocktails."

"Sounds fancy."

Lane sounded a little wistful and Rory said,

"Hey, you should come!"

"What?" Lane asked with a laugh and Rory said excitedly,

"Yeah! Come on, Lane, it'll be fun. I'd love for you to come to the apartment."

"I'd love to too," Lane said sadly. "But not at some fancy cocktail party."

"Why not? It won't just be a bunch of suits – I'll be there, and Paris."

"_Geller_?" Lane exclaimed. "Now you're really selling it to me."

"Don't be mean!" Rory scolded. "Please, Lane? Get Zach to stay home and come out.

Lane sighed, looking at her cup for a moment, and then said,

"Rory, it's not because Paris is coming or because I'm worried about not knowing anyone. I can't go to a party like that right now."

"Why not?"

"Why _not_? Rory, I have three little kids. Nico's still feeding."

"Oh," Rory said awkwardly. Lane exhaled.

"Maybe if it was in Stars Hollow, or if I could bring her, but it's in Hartford and it'll be late. I could express milk but Rory, I kind of need the nights right now. I'm so tired. I just don't think I'd have a good time, even if I could go."

Rory felt ashamed and said in a small voice,

"I'm sorry, I didn't think –"

"Rory, don't apologise!" Lane exclaimed, looking ashamed herself. "I wish I could go! Do you know how long it's been since I was invited to a party – a real party, with people over the age of six? I can't. I've been nothing but a mom for the past three years."

"Oh, Lane "

"And I like it," Lane continued. "Most of the time, but it's not something I can ever take a break from. I miss being able to go out and not worry about diaper changes or feeds."

Rory was quiet and then she said,

"Listen, Lane, how long does your mom take the boys for?"

"Every afternoon," Lane said curiously. "Why?"

"Maybe one day you could come see the apartment," Rory said excitedly. "You could bring Nico, if you had to, and we could just relax – Logan'll be at work."

Lane looked thoughtful and then her face split into a wide smile.

"That sounds great!"

They spent the rest of the afternoon laughing and catching up yet Rory didn't tell her about the fights with Logan or going to see Jess. Lane would understand, she knew, and be sympathetic but Rory didn't want to try and explain. She kept picturing Paris's face, remembering her reaction, and Rory felt as though she had take part in something illicit, innocent though it was. She didn't want to make Lane part of it or talk about why she had gone to see Jess so conversation was kept to light topics such as times as Stars Hollow High and knowing where mothers came from, now that they were grown up. Rory left before Mrs Kim arrived, not wishing to discuss her independence again, and walked back home. She wondered if she would see Jess and almost stopped in at the diner but at the last minute decided against it and drove home. He probably wouldn't be there, she told herself, yet she felt sad on the road all the same.

The party was held two weeks later. Rory spent all of Friday poring over a recipe book for hors d'oeuvres, which someone had given them when they got married, yet the food refused to follow the instructions. Rory made one passable batch before giving in and buying the rest from a store wishing, in hindsight, that she had asked Sookie for help. Once the food was ready she set out the drinks as well as what the book called 'mocktails' for Honor, who couldn't drink, and Paris. The preparation took several hours more than Rory had expected and, feeling rather frazzled, she wished for the first time that she had agreed to a maid.

Logan came home just as she was changing. Rory had chosen a simple black dress with her hair in an upsweep and he grinned and kissed her just as she was choosing a necklace.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory said absently. "Can you see my necklace?"

"All I can see are gold balloons," Logan said, looking around the apartment. "Is it someone's birthday?"

"I thought it would make the party seem more fun." Rory didn't add that she had regretted this decision after losing her breath for twenty minutes after blowing up an entire pack.

"That's one word for it," Logan said dismissively, kicking off his shoes. "Want to do something more fun?"

"Logan, people will be arriving soon," Rory said, noticing his grin. "There isn't time."

"They won't be coming for at least an hour – people are always late."

"You don't know that," Rory contradicted and, seeing her husband's face, added, "Logan, this is our housewarming party! People are arriving soon!"

"Says the girl who wanted to have sex at her grandparents' wedding!"

Rory scowled.

"That was when we were in college," she snapped. "And besides, it wasn't like I wanted to do it in the dancehall."

"Fine."

"Logan, I'm tired."

"You haven't been working all day!"

"No, I've been sitting at a right angle all afternoon trying to fix the stupid hors d'oeuvres and I couldn't do that right so I had to go to the store and then fix about fifty kinds of drinks and then blow up balloons which you think you are stupid!"

Logan stared and Rory blushed. She hadn't meant for her voice to sound so loud.

"Fine," he said quietly. "I'll go get changed."

"I'm just not in the mood," Rory said. "Even if no one was coming."

"You never are," Logan said quietly and, before Rory could begin to say how unfair that was, he was grabbing a towel and heading to the shower.

People started to trickle in about an hour later, as Logan had predicted. Logan introduced Rory to everyone in his office and she made polite conversation and shook all their hands. Once she had ensured that they all had a drink Rory took Logan aside and asked,

"Where's Stu?"

"Stu?" Logan sounded puzzled.

"You know, the guy who makes you work so hard," Rory said impatiently. "You said he was coming."

Recognition passed over her husband's face.

"He couldn't make it," he said. "He thought he might be coming down with something and didn't want to spread it around – the party's not the best place to go."

"No," Rory said, a little surprised. "It's not. That's too bad."

"I said you'd understand," Logan said, smiling. "Could you get me a scotch?"

Once Rory had fixed Logan's drink Paris arrived, Dolye by her side, and Rory ran to greet them.

"Doyle!" she cried. "I didn't know you were coming!"

"Designated driver," Doyle said with a pained expression. "She said she needed a designated driver."

"Oh, stop being such a baby, Doyle," Paris said impatiently. "I said you can have the reins in the bedroom for the next month."

Doyle turned pink and Rory coughed, hoping Paris didn't mean in the literal sense of the word.

"Gilmore, point me to the nearest martini," Paris said briskly. "I want to get blind drunk."

Rory made a martini for Paris and a mocktail for Doyle, who looked at the drink in disgust.

"Sorry," Rory said awkwardly. "I could get you lemonade?"

"It hasn't come to that," Doyle said, throwing the drink back and making a face. "Yet."

Paris excused herself to the bathroom and Rory and Doyle found a chair.

"So tell me, Gilmore," Doyle said. "How's my second in command? Have you taken the journalist world by storm?"

Rory shook her head and drank her cocktail.

"Not right now," she said. "You know with the move..."

"Right," Doyle said. "But you're getting interviews?"

"Soon, I hope," Rory said. Doyle nodded, looking unconvinced, and added,

"I had high hopes for you – becoming editor and all."

"Hey, you never know," Rory said defensively. "I've only just got here."

Doyle smiled and Rory squirmed, feeling, suddenly, that she was a freshman again and Doyle was criticising an article she had submitted. Before she could say anything else Logan was at her side and saying,

"Come on Rory, Honor's here and she wants to see the hostess!"

Rory gave Doyle an apologetic smile and got up. She saw Paris return from the bathroom and distinctively heard them mutter _Huntzberger_ in a disgruntled voice.

The party was in full swing three hours later. Rory had greeted so many people that her voice had gone hoarse and the heels had made her feet feel numb. Logan had retreated to the corner of the room with some friends from Yale, including Colin and Finn, with more than one bottle of wine. Rory had smiled to see her old friends but it seemed that they had little to talk about now, besides sharing memories of Rory's arrest, which was less fun for her to recall. She retreated to the other side of the room where Paris was on her fourth cocktail and leaned against the wall.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"They your friends?" Paris asked, nodding at Colin and Finn who were roaring at some sort of joke. Rory shrugged.

"Used to be."

"They look like Hutzberger's type," Paris said coolly. She drank more of her cocktail and glanced at her watch. Rory was suddenly reminded of Madeline's party all of those years ago at Chilton and, though it was her party this time, she still felt like a guest.

"This your fourth cocktail?" Rory asked, nodding at her friend's glass. What with having to talk to so many people she had only had one drink. Paris grinned.

"Fifth."

"Paris," Rory started to say hesitantly. Her friend looked up.

"Yeah?"

"I –"

"There's no lemonade!" a voice suddenly burst out. "I can't drink any more mocktails and there's no lemonade!"

They looked at Doyle and Paris said,

"I think we should go."

"Oh – okay."

"Thanks for inviting me," Paris said. "What were you going to say?"

"Oh – nothing," Rory said awkwardly. She didn't even know. Something about not feeling like it was her party, that she didn't belong, yet even thinking it seemed stupid. She was glad Doyle had interrupted.

Rory walked them to the door. Logan was in the corner, playing what appeared to be some kind of drinking game and she had to say his name twice before he looked up. He had barely spoken to most of the guests all night.

"Paris and Doyle are going," she said and, rather rudely Logan replied,

"When did they get here?"

"It's been a pleasure, Huntzberger," Paris said, sticking her hand out. "You haven't changed."

"Yeah, likewise," Logan said and Doyle asked,

"Haven't sunk any of Daddy's ships lately, have you?"

"Don't be bitter, Doyle," grinned Logan. "Can you even reach the rudder?"

"_Logan_!" Rory exclaimed but Doyle just laughed, shook his head and left.

"How could you say that?" she cried, once her friends had gone. "That's so rude!"

"It was just a joke, Ace," Logan said, drinking scotch from the bottle. "He knew that."

"It wasn't funny."

"Oh, you should hear some of the things he says to us, darling," Finn slurred. "Positively outrageous!"

"Oi, I'm the flamboyant one," Colin retorted and the three dissolved into drunken laughter. Rory shook with anger and stormed away to get a drink.

Rory calmed down once she had drunk something. Logan, it seemed, had taken all the alcohol and most of the hors d'oeuvres so she made herself a mocktail and talked with Honor, who was just about to leave.

"My brother can be an idiot," she said consolingly. "Don't take it to heart."

"It wasn't me he was rude to."

"Like I said, he's an idiot. He'll be sorry in the morning."

Rory nodded and Honor decided to go. She said she could see herself out so Rory said goodbye to her there and drank some more. She decided to get some alcohol so made her way to where Logan was sitting, stopping at what she could hear.

"So is it regular?" she heard Colin ask and Logan chuckled.

"About twice a week."

"Not bad, not bad. You're not one of those couples, are you? You don't schedule sex?"

"Not yet," Logan laughed. "Though it wouldn't be bad to know I was getting a blowjob after work every Friday – she gives incredible head."

The entire group burst into roars of laughter and Rory stood out of sight, frozen on the spot.

"I thought you wanted to have a kid?" Finn asked. "You'll have to get scheduling then."

"She's not pregnant."

"Ah, but it'll be soon enough, right? Once you've got a kiddie you can forget all that. You're lucky if you'll shag once a month and you don't want to know what it'll do to her tits."

"What do you know about it, Finn?" Logan laughed. "Speaking from experience?"

"God, I hope not. That's what all the unlucky blokes with kids have told me."

"She doesn't want a kid yet anyway," Logan said. "I don't need to worry about that."

"You just want your blowjobs," teased Colin. "Does she swallow or spit?"

Rory could stand still no longer and marched into view. Her eyes were blazing with anger and they froze as they saw her. Colin let out a tentative laugh.

"Get out," Rory said in an icy tone. "All of you, get out."

"We were just –" Logan started to say and Rory shouted,

"Shut up!"

"I think we should go," Finn said hastily, getting up. "Great party."

Rory didn't say anything but coldly watched them all depart, one by one, before slamming the door shut and turning to meet her husband.

"Rory –"

"Fuck you!" she shouted. "Fuck you, Logan!"

"Rory, come on," Logan protested, making her eyes widen. "We were just catching up."

"No, you weren't just catching up," Rory said, trying not let her voice shake. "You were talking about me. How could you talk about me like that?"

"It doesn't mean anything!"

"Yes, it does! That's our business, my business, and you were telling them how often we have sex!"

"Like you never talk about that stuff," Logan retorted. "Wasn't it Paris who gave you the idea for text sex?"

"That's different!"

"How?"

"I didn't tell her how often we did it, when we did it and what you were like in bed!" Rory cried. "I didn't laugh about you or make fun of you! How could you?"

"Rory, it's no big deal!"

"It's no big deal," Rory echoed, shaking her head. "Disrespecting your wife is no big deal?"

"I wasn't disrespecting you!"

"You were laughing about me and sharing things I don't tell anyone!"

"You mean you've never told your mom how often we fuck?"

Logan's look of apology was replaced by a grin and Rory's anger came flying back.

"You're disgusting," she snarled. "You're crude and disgusting and you have never grown up!"

Logan stopped laughing as he yelled,

"I've never grown up? I've _never grown up_? I went to London for an entire year, I built a business and moved out here!"

"Because your dad made you!"

"_You _made me!"

"Oh, you're such a victim," Rory said venomously. "Spending all of your father's money and then crying because you had to get a job!"

"It was forced on me!"

"You never did a thing about it!"

"You're a fucking hypocrite," Logan snapped. "You whine and whine about never getting a job, about not having the same connections, and you live in luxury because of me!"

"Excuse me?"

"I pay for this apartment, I pay for your clothes and you sit at home doing nothing and then you say you're bored or you're too tired to fuck!"

"Oh, I should never complain!" Rory shouted. "I'm just your good little housewife who arranges a whole stupid party and gives you sex on command!"

"You make it sound like a bad thing," Logan teased, breaking the camel's back. A blind rage overcame Rory and she grabbed a glass and threw it against the wall where it shattered instantly.

"Jesus!" Logan yelled. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I don't know, Logan," Rory said furiously. "Maybe a good little housewife shouldn't have a brain!"

"Yeah, that must be it!"

Rory couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed her jacket and keys and marched the door.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not staying here tonight," Rory said, putting her jacket on. "I can't."

"What about this mess?"

"You can clear it up," Rory snapped. "Get to know how the housewife feels!"

"Rory!"

She had already slammed the door shut and was halfway down the stairs. She drove out of Hartford as though her life depended on it and it was only when she was halfway to Stars Hollow that her tears of fury began to fall.


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks for the great feedback!**

Rory drove and drove relentlessly and, it was only when she had reached Stars Hollow, stopped the car and got out that the enormity hit her. She had fought with Logan, thrown a glass – _thrown_ it – and driven all the way out here without any kind of plan. She hadn't called Lorelai to tell her she was coming and she couldn't face the thought of raking over the night's events with her mother, nor could she imagine what her mother would say. Rory could see the disappointment in her face already yet who else was there to talk to? Lane would be fast asleep and the only other friend she had here was Jess. It suddenly struck Rory as terribly pitiful that the only people she could talk to were her mother and boyfriend from long ago and she leant against the metal of the car and wept.

The gazebo stood out against the night, shining solemnly and Rory stared at it through the blur of her tears. She couldn't count the number of times she had sat there, it had been the hub of her life, and as she looked out at the dimmed streets Rory could almost see the ghosts of her and Lane, young, hopeful and optimistic. What had happened to them? One moment they had been sixteen, planning their futures as musicians and journalists and the next they were mothers and wives. Lane hadn't got her drums out for over a year and Rory – she didn't even know what she was doing. If she had been asked at sixteen where she saw herself in the future Rory knew that getting married at twenty-three would not have been her answer. She used to picture herself travelling the globe reporting for papers and being independent. Her most interesting plans now were arranging cocktails parties – a Yale graduate reduced to this and Rory cried and cried. She sobbed so much that she didn't notice Jess coming towards her, taking her hands and asking desperately,

"Rory, what happened?"

Rory couldn't answer. She could only sob, unable to ask how he had found her or where he'd come from and Jess asked again,

"What happened, what's wrong?"

Rory hiccupped and Jess let go of her hands so she could wipe at her eyes and sob,

"I.."

She couldn't finish her sentence and Jess demanded,

"Was it Logan? Has he done something to you?"

Rory nodded and Jess pressed,

"What did he do? Did he hurt you?"

"No," Rory managed to choke out. "I mean, yes, but not in the way you think. He didn't hit me, he didn't hurt me like that."

Jess was starting to get a murderous look in his eye.

"What did he do?" he asked quietly. "What did he do to you?"

Rory shook her head and started crying again. Jess's look softened and he took her hand again.

"Come on," he said gently. "Let's get out of here."

Rory meekly obeyed him, letting him lead the way to his apartment and impervious to the tears running down her cheeks. Jess switched the light on and Rory sank into an armchair, not caring about how dreadful she had to look. Tears still spilled from her eyes, stubbornly refusing to stop. She tried to wipe some away when Jess appeared, pushing a large glass of water into her hands.

"Drink this," he said gently. "It'll help."

Rory stared down at the liquid and he added,

"You'll feel better if you drink it, I promise."

Rory lifted the glass with shaking hands and managed to drink all of it with deep, shuddering gulps. When she had finished Jess handed her a box of tissues and Rory silently took a handful to wipe her face clean and blow her nose.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

"Anytime," Jess replied in an equally soft tone. "Do you want some more water?"

Rory nodded and he took her glass and refilled it. As Jess had said, drinking it had made her feel calmer, though she couldn't imagine why. Hydrating herself was hardly a match to throwing glassware around. Thinking about it hurt again and more tears trickled out as Jess handed her the glass.

"Rory, what happened?" Jess asked, sitting in the chair next to her and moving it so he was facing Rory. "Can you tell me?"

His voice was low and anxious. Rory stared down at the glass in her hands, afraid to reach his eyes. She knew she was going to start crying again and, if she started telling the story, she wouldn't be able to stop.

"Rory?" Jess asked again. "Can you talk about it?"

Rory took a sip of water. Her heart was beginning to feel erratic again and she drank slowly before trying to talk.

"I had a party tonight," she managed to say. "Logan and I had a party – the one I told you about."

Jess nodded to show he remembered and Rory continued,

"It was the worst night of our marriage, our worst fight – everything fell apart."

She blinked back the wet in her eyes and sipped at the water again before adding,

"Logan ignored me all night. He got a group of buddies and they just sat in the corner drinking all the alcohol, being rude to the guests – he was such a jerk to Doyle – and then when I went to talk to him, he –"

Rory broke off, unable to finish her sentence as tears streamed from her eyes against her will. She sniffled and wiped at them, not bothering to get another tissue, and stirred in surprise as Jess placed his hand on hers. She stared down, her vision hazy, and jumped as Jess said,

"What did he do, Rory?"

Jess lifted his hand away as Rory jumped and she bit her lip, feeling strangely disappointed. His touch had been comforting, and she took a ragged breath before saying,

"He was talking about me with Colin and Finn. Everyone else had gone and I was going to join them when I heard – he was talking about us, about me, sharing stuff with them."

"What kind of stuff?"

Jess's tone suggested that he could tell but Rory still said,

"Private stuff – sex stuff. He was telling them about how I was in bed and – and – what kind of sex we have. Stuff I never tell anyone."

Jess didn't move but he stiffened slightly and Rory found herself adding tearfully,

"He was laughing at me, they were laughing about me and making fun of me. How could they do that?"

She didn't expect an answer but Jess took her hand again and squeezed it before quietly saying,

"Jerk."

"Yeah," Rory sniffled. "That's one word for him."

"That's why you took off," Jess said and stared as Rory shook her head.

"No," she sobbed. "It gets better. I told them all to leave and I yelled at Logan and he got mad at me."

"He got mad at you?" Jess demanded. "That jerk didn't even apologise?"

"He said I couldn't take a joke," Rory said, using her free hand to wipe at her eyes. "He said it's no different to me talking about it with Paris or Lane or –"

"It's not the same," Jess cut in and Rory shook her head.

"I'd never laugh about him like that," she said, pain squeezing her heart again. "I'd never tell Paris or Lane something really private, or –"

She stopped talking and fell silent. She didn't want to add that since her marriage to Logan she had never had a steady friend to really talk to about anything, private or not.

"He didn't get why you were upset?" Jess asked and Rory shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

"I threw a glass against a wall."

"What?"

Rory dared to open her eyes. Jess was staring at her in pure, unadulterated shock and she said furiously,

"I picked up a glass and I just threw it. I threw it right against the wall and it smashed."

Jess didn't say anything and Rory let out a sound which was indistinguishable between a laugh or cry.

"I'm going crazy," she sobbed. "I _am_ crazy."

"No, you're not."

"Jess, I threw a glass against a wall," Rory said, shaking her head furiously. "No sane person does that, I don't do that."

"Yet you did."

Rory stared at her hands, an uncomfortable shame weaving itself around her, threading tight at her heart.

"I was just so mad," she said slowly. "I've never been so mad in my life. Logan was just standing there, practically laughing at me, and I couldn't take it, I couldn't take any of it."

"Take any of what?"

"That – him, the party, any of it! I couldn't stand it, Jess, I couldn't stay so I just drove."

"Are you going back?"

Rory stared up in shock. The thought hadn't even crossed her mind.

"I have to go back," she said, releasing her hand from his. "We're married."

"That doesn't mean you have to go back," Jess said in a sudden, sharp voice. "If he's hurting you –"

"He's not hurting me," Rory cut in. "He didn't hit me, or –"

"Rory, you know there's more than one way to hurt someone. You know there is."

Jess sounded desperate and Rory anxiously added,

"Jess, it was one fight."

"It's not one fight," Jess contradicted. "You've come to me before because of him."

"It wasn't like that the other two times," Rory said defensively. "We both said things."

"I didn't just mean that," Jess said quietly. "Remember the first?"

The water suddenly felt like ice in Rory's hands and there was a sensation of it slipping down her back. Memory stung of the day she had gone to Philadelphia, years ago, to hurt Logan the way he had hurt her. The shame tightened uncomfortably.

"That was a long time ago," Rory said uneasily. Jess looked disappointed and neither added that tonight was not.

Rory couldn't stand the look in his eyes and started crying again.

"Everything's falling apart," she sobbed. "My life, my career –"

"Hey –"

"I can't let my marriage fall apart too," Rory sobbed. "I can't."

"Rory –"

Rory ignored him. She dissolved into tears again, Jess's face disappearing into a blur, and she put the glass on a table beside her and buried her face in her hands. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried so hard or so forcefully and felt dimly aware of being like Alice. Jess's apartment was at risk of being filled with a pool of her tears and, as though to staunch the flow, she realised that he was handing her the box of Kleenex again. Rory took some and wiped at her eyes and sipped at the water again. She could tell her eyes were bloodshot and puffy but she was too miserable to care. Jess took her hand again and Rory relaxed at the pressure.

"Rory, I'm sorry," Jess said quietly. "I didn't mean to –"

"It's okay."

"I wasn't trying to harass you or something," Jess said, looking into her eyes. "I just think that you shouldn't be taking all this."

"So what are you saying?" Rory demanded. "That I should get divorced?"

Jess didn't say anything and Rory took a deep breath, carefully taking her hand away.

"I can't divorce Logan over a fight," she said slowly. "I know it was a bad fight, but it was just a fight."

"Rory –"

"And I can't divorce him over our past, either," Rory said, looking into his eyes. "I know that was bad but it's the past. I can't hold a grudge for that now. I promised I wouldn't."

"Rory, don't try and excuse what that jerk did tonight," Jess said hotly and Rory said pleadingly,

"Jess –"

"No, don't say my name like that! He's a jerk! He always has been, I pegged him the second I saw him."

Jess paused for breath. He steadied himself and then said,

"You can forget about what he did before, fine, even if I can't. But I don't know how you can forget tonight ever happened."

"I'm not forgetting it!" Rory exclaimed. "I'm forgiving it! I have to try!"

"Why?"

"_Why_?" Rory asked, floored. "I married him! I made a vow!"

"You threw a glass! Tell me you're glad to be married to him. Tell me something like tonight won't happen again."

"Jess, I have to try," Rory said, trying to steady her voice. "I'm married, it's the only –"

She stopped herself. Jess looked at her curiously and she said,

"We have to work at it. It's not like we can just break up."

"Apparently not," Jess said ambiguously. Rory stared at him but instead she just said with finality,

"I'm not pretending that I'm not angry with Logan – I'm furious with him – but I have to try and work through it. I love him, even if he can be a jerk and I know he loves me. He has to."

Jess nodded, though he clearly wasn't agreeing. Rory looked at her hands, the ring heavy on her finger. It stared at her, in an accusing kind of way and she had a terrible urge to take it off. Rory resisted and said,

"I can't go back there tonight. I know I just said all that stuff about working through it but I can't – I just can't."

Jess looked at her and his voice and eyes were gentle again as he said,

"Come on, I'll set up your bed."

Rory went to the bathroom first. Her eyes were as bad as she feared and the first twinge of embarrassment touch her as she rinsed them with water. She dried her face, took a deep breath and went into the bedroom where Jess was making the bed. Rory smiled and walked around to face him.

"You really don't have to," she said guiltily. "I can just go to Mom's –"

"Don't do that," he said, looking at her. "Do you want to go through it all again tonight?"

Rory couldn't pretend that she did. She sat on the covers as Jess fetched some spare shorts and shirt for to sleep in and said gratefully,

"Thank you, Jess. I didn't know I was going to run into you – I didn't have a plan."

"Rory Gilmore didn't have a plan?" Jess started to tease but then stopped, suddenly, as he saw her face. "I'm glad I ran into you."

"Did you see me?"

"I was helping Luke with the evening shift – he'd just locked up and I was heading back when I saw you."

"I'm sorry," Rory said awkwardly. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"I was just worried." Jess paused and sat on the bed next to her. "I'm sorry if I – did I make you feel like hell, talking about it?"

"A little," Rory admitted. "But I'm glad I did – talked about it, I mean."

Jess nodded but he didn't say anything further. Rory didn't know what to say and the silence suddenly seemed uncomfortable. She caught sight of the photo frame again and hastily picked it up, making Jess jump.

"Is that Doula?"

Jess's face relaxed into a smile as he took the picture from her.

"Yeah – she's three."

"Wow – it only seems like the other day she was born."

"I know," Jess said earnestly. "She's getting heavy to pick up now and I remember holding her for the first time. It doesn't feel so long ago. The way she squeezed my finger so tight – it was like she knew me."

Rory smiled at the happiness that had spread across Jess's face.

"Maybe she knew you were her brother."

"Babies don't understand anything like that," Jess scoffed hastily. "They can't – she knows it now though. Liz is always sending me pictures she draws of me."

"Do you see her a lot?"

"Once or twice a month. It's not enough."

"I can't imagine you as a brother," Rory admitted and Jess laughed awkwardly.

"It should feel weird, but it doesn't seem like there was a time when she wasn't in my life."

"I wish I was that close with Gigi," Rory admitted and Jess remarked,

"I remember she was born when we were seeing each other. That was way before Doula was here."

"It doesn't seem so long ago," Rory said softly. Jess shook his head.

"It doesn't."

They glanced at each other and Jess quickly put the photo back. It was a little misplaced but neither made a move to correct it.

"I'll let you get some rest," Jess said, getting up and going to the door. "Goodnight, Rory."

"Goodnight, Jess."

He smiled and shut the door. Rory stared at it, half-wishing she had called out _goodnight, Dodger!_ in leu of times past, but it seemed too strange. She was married now, her romance with Jess had been long ago and Rory changed, got into bed and turned out the light. She slept fitfully. The ring held tight to her hand and anchored her from sleep, binding her to a man in another bed. She was his wife yet she dreamed of another.


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory woke the next morning with a start. She felt confused and disorientated and then her skin felt hot. She remembered where she was and what had happened but the blush was due to her dream, in which she and Jess had kissed. The details were hazy but the memory was clear and Rory shook her head to try and forget it. The sense of Jess's touch was clear in her subconscious and Rory bit her lip.

She sat up properly, knowing she should get up and drive home but was reluctant. It was warm in the bed and Jess's book had changed from the week before. Rory picked it up, flicking through it. Jess clearly hadn't read very much as his notes in the margins only covered the first chapter and Rory read through them before hastily putting the book down, feeling as though she had intruded. Her wedding ring caught the light which shone through the slit in the curtains, making Rory blink, and she placed the tip of her finger on the gem. It was a heavy weight on her finger and Rory slowly slid it off. She put the ring on the bedside table and stared at her naked hand. Rory only removed her wedding ring for washing the dishes and, as her hands were submerged in soapy water, she didn't really see them without the ring. It felt odd to see her hand free from its diamond, light and unattached, and Rory smoothed the space where the metal had been. Her hand hadn't looked this way for two years yet it felt much longer. Rory was still staring at it when there was a sudden knock on the door, making her jump and she hastily slid the ring back, calling,

"Come in!"

Jess carefully opened the door, a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Hey."

"Hey," Rory said, quickly getting up and going over to him. "Is that for me?"

"I could never drink the same level of caffeine as you," Jess grinned. "Good sleep?"

Rory shrugged, burying her blush in the drink and Jess frowned.

"Did you sleep badly?"

"Just had weird dreams," Rory said truthfully. "How about you?"

"Pretty well," Jess said, shrugging as well. "What do you think of the book?"

"Huh?"

"The book," Jess said, pointing at the novel on the nightstand. "I'm guessing you read some of it."

Rory smiled in spite of herself. Jess laughed.

"Did you like it?"

"It seems good so far."

"It's interesting," Jess agreed. "What are you reading this time?"

Rory looked at her cup, suddenly reluctant to reach his eyes.

"Um, nothing right now," she said awkwardly. "I haven't found anything good to read."

"Seriously?"

Jess sounded incredulous and Rory stared down at the china, gripping its warmth in her hands.

"Why don't you try this?" Jess said, going to the bookshelf and retrieving the Kurt Vonnegut novel Rory saw the last time she'd stayed. "It's pretty good."

Rory turned it over in her hands, a memory flickering in her mind.

"I know this," she said accusingly. "You read it before, when we went out."

"I read it once a year."

"You never lent it to me."

"I got distracted by all the books you were teasing me with," Jess said with a smirk. "Read it, I'll promise you like it."

Rory took it from him and nodded.

"Thanks."

Jess nodded too and Rory suddenly felt exposed. Jess's borrowed clothes were loose on her body and the cool of the room were making her nipples stiffen. Rory hugged the book tightly to her chest.

"I think I'll get dressed."

"Sure," Jess said quickly. "Do you want a shower?"

"Um –"

Rory paused. She did want one yet it seemed almost inappropriate to accept.

"I don't want to take all your hot water," she said weakly. Jess laughed.

"I've already showered," he said. "Relax, there's plenty. I'll get you a towel."

"Thanks," Rory said awkwardly. He went and quickly returned with a blue towel which Rory accepted with a smile.

"I'll go make some breakfast," Jess said, relieving Rory of thinking of something to say to break the silence. "The bathroom's yours."

Rory waited for him to go back into the kitchen before slipping into the bathroom. It was small but clean, with a variety of bottles arranged around the sink. Rory had never expected Jess to use anything on his face besides soap and she smiled to herself as she stepped into the shower, carefully holding her hair away from the spray. The stall was half the size of hers and Logan's but Rory didn't sense the lack of space at all and closed her eyes, enjoying the gentle pummel of the water on her back.

Rory tried to be quick and turned off the water as soon as she could. She got out, picking the towel up and glanced around for her dress. It wasn't anywhere in the bathroom and Rory felt her cheeks colour as she realised that she had left the dress in Jess's bedroom. She sighed, picked up what she had slept in and wound the towel tightly around herself as she pushed open the door. Rory hoped to make it back to the bedroom without Jess noticing her but the apartment was small and he looked up in greeting as she came out, hastily ducking his gaze as she came into view.

"Sorry," Jess said awkwardly as Rory stumbled,

"Sorry – I left my dress behind, I didn't think –"

"This'll be ready in a minute," Jess said quickly, glancing back at the kitchen. Rory gripped the top of the towel and said brightly,

"Great, that's...I'll be out right."

"Great."

"Yes."

Rory hurried back to the room, mortified, and was still embarrassed when she headed out five minutes later, clad in her dress from the previous night. Jess had laid the table and he smiled as Rory came over.

"Now that's looking smart for breakfast."

"I didn't have anything else to wear," Rory said and then remarked, "Better than a bath towel, right?"

Jess looked up nervously before relaxing with a laugh as he saw Rory was teasing.

"Don't be too hard on the towel, it's organic cotton."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, there was a sale. Besides, it looked good on you."

Rory flushed at the compliment and Jess coughed, adding,

"Not that – I wasn't looking at you like –"

"Jess, it's okay," Rory said, silently pushing back the dream which was suddenly fresh in her mind again. "I know you weren't checking me out or something."

"I'm still sorry I – I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't," Rory said, trying to sound sincere. "It's fine – I'm fine."

She started cutting into the pancakes, knowing Jess was looking at her.

"Are you?" he asked quietly. Rory stared at the food.

"I just said I'm not upset."

"I don't mean about that," Jess said, which Rory already knew. "Are you okay?"

"I'm better than I was last night," Rory said, after a pause. "I don't feel like throwing things."

"Rory," Jess insisted. She made the mistake of looking up. The concern in his gaze made her waver and Rory faltered as she tried to reassure him.

"I'm...I'll be okay."

"Rory, you don't have to go anywhere."

"Yes, I do," Rory said, managing to sound firm this time. "I can't stay here forever, crashing in your bed and using all your hot water."

Jess smiled but his eyes were still questioning and Rory deliberately looked away.

"I have to go home and talk to Logan," she said bravely. "Try and figure this thing out."

"Okay," Jess said quietly and Rory added,

"I think I might get through an argument without throwing a glass this time."

Jess smiled and Rory asked tentatively,

"It was a crazy thing to do, wasn't it?"

"Everyone does something crazy at least once in their life," Jess said wisely. "Trust me."

"Should I trust you?"

"I should know," Jess said, getting up. "Here, I'll get you some coffee."

He poured her a cup and Rory kneaded her temple with her hand. Her head felt tense at the thought of going back, her whole body, and she couldn't imagine what she would say to Logan, nor what he would say to her. Would he be sorry today or would he be angry at the way she had left, not even bringing her cellphone to call? Rory felt a sudden rush of nausea and pushed the pancakes away.

"What's wrong?" Jess asked, noticing, and Rory shook her head, taking the coffee he offered.

"Nothing – I'm just not hungry."

She sipped the coffee and Jess gazed at her before saying,

"Rory, if you need someplace to stay or if you just want to talk..."

"Jess-"

"I'm always here," he finished shyly. "If you need somewhere to go."

Rory stared down at her coffee and said,

"I don't want to bother you."

"You're not bothering me," Jess exhaled. "Look, I want you to bother me, if – we're friends, aren't we?"

Rory looked up to see him. He was staring with an anxious look in his eyes and she reassured,

"Yes, we are. I want to be."

"Good."

"Jess, I didn't mean to freak you out last night," Rory said awkwardly. "It was a really bad fight, but it's not like – I don't want you to think something bad's going on."

Jess nodded but he didn't say anything. Rory finished her coffee in silence.

"I guess I should go," she said resolutely. "Thanks for everything...it was so good of you."

"It's what friends do," Jess said with his crooked grin. "And you don't need to thank me like that every time."

Rory smiled without trying and said,

"I do really appreciate it though."

"I know you do," Jess said, reaching over and brushing her hand with his. "You don't need to tell me."

Rory felt strangely serious as she looked at him and said sincerely,

"Thank you, Jess," and, though he had just told her not to say it, Jess nodded and said,

"You're welcome."

Rory smiled and Jess added,

"You know, if we're friends, you can call me anytime – it doesn't just have to be when you're mad at him."

Rory felt ashamed as she remembered that she'd avoided the diner.

"I didn't want it to be weird," she explained.

"It's not weird for me. Is it weird for you?"

"I don't want it to be," Rory said honestly and Jess said,

"Has it felt weird being here?"

Rory shook her head and Jess said,

"Maybe we could hang out sometime...here or at Luke's. What do you think?"

"I think that sounds good," Rory said, smiling. "Maybe not now, but –"

"Soon?"

"Yeah – soon."

They smiled at each other and Rory shook herself.

"I really need to go."

She was careful not to thank him as Jess got up.

Rory gathered all her things, put on her jacket and left the apartment. It was only when she had reached the gazebo that Jess's words of not needing to thank him every time suggested that he expected more. Rory stopped beside her car and closed her eyes, feeling the dizzy rush of nausea again.

"Rory?"

Rory jumped and looked round. Her mother was hurrying towards her, a confused expression on her face and Rory opened and shut her mouth.

"What are you doing here?"

"Logan hasn't called you?" Rory asked. Lorelai frowned.

"Why would he call me? What's going on? Why are you dressed like that?"

Rory couldn't answer and stared at the ground. Lorelai bent to look at her and asked,

"What's happened?"

"I..."

Rory's voice faded. A lump grew in her throat as the ugly events of last night reared up and a lone tear trickled from her eye.

"Rory?" Lorelai sounded frightened. Her daughter didn't say anything and Lorelai took her hand.

"Come on," she said quietly. "Let's go home."

Rory followed her back to the house, her face bowed to the ground. She was sure someone from Star Hollow would see her but didn't care and it was only when her mother seated her at the kitchen table, carefully placing a blanket around her shoulders and a cup of coffee in her hands that she dared look up. Lorelai had the same anxious look Jess had had and it sounded in her voice as she said,

"Talk to me, Rory. What's going on?"

"I had a fight with Logan," Rory said, surprised at the clearness of her voice and Lorelai said,

"When?"

"Last night."

"Last night? How did you get here?"

"I drove," Rory said simply and Lorelai sighed, trying to mask her exasperation.

"So you didn't fly in that special machine of yours. Where did you stay? You didn't sleep in your car, did you?"

"No," Rory said slowly. "I stayed with Jess."

She heard her mother's words before she said them.

"What? You stayed with Jess?"

"He found me," Rory said quietly. "He saw me by the car – I didn't know where to go."

Lorelai stared at her daughter for a full minute. She took a breath and said,

"Tell me what happened. We'll get to Jess later. Take me through this fight."

"It was our housewarming party," Rory said, determined not to cry again. "Logan ignored me all night and then I heard him telling Colin and Finn all this stuff about me."

"What stuff?"

Rory bit her lip. She and Lorelai were close but not close enough to talk about that and she said uncomfortably,

"It doesn't matter. Private things."

"Rory, if it's hurt you like this then it does matter."

"I don't want to talk about it," Rory said, her voice high-pitched. "He just told them things...things I don't tell anyone and humiliated me."

Lorelai's sympathetic look showed she understood all the same and Rory continued,

"I told everyone to leave and yelled at Logan and he yelled at me."

"He yelled at_ you_?"

"He yelled at me for not taking a joke and being oversensitive and I got really mad and I threw a glass."

Rory took a deep breath and felt a wave of hurt wash over her as her mother exclaimed,

"You _what_? You threw a_ glass_?"

"Right against the wall. It smashed," Rory added, rather unnecessarily, and Lorelai shook her head.

"You would never do that."

"Like I would never steal a yacht?" Rory asked bitterly. Lorelai looked troubled.

"Then what happened?"

"Logan asked what was wrong with me and I snapped. I took off. I just drove here because I couldn't think of anywhere else to go and when I got here I didn't know what to do and Jess found me crying by my car. He took me to his apartment and let me stay the night."

"Why didn't you come to me?" Lorelai asked, hurt, and Rory shook her head.

"I was so ashamed. I didn't want to talk about it."

"You talked about it with Jess."

"I didn't go to him – he found me," Rory said defensively but the memory of how, as Jess had reminded her, she had gone to him before stung suddenly. She sipped her coffee.

"Oh, honey," Lorelai said, her voice breaking. "I should have been the one to find you."

"Mom –"

"I know. But still."

She squeezed her daughter's hand. Tears filled Rory's eyes and, before she could stop them, they were pouring down her cheeks and she was crying uncontrollably.

"Rory? Rory, what is it?"

"I'm so unhappy," Rory choked. "Mom, I'm so unhappy, all the time, and I don't know how to make it stop."

"What are you unhappy about?" Lorelai asked, still holding her hand and Rory cried,

"Everything! Everything's so screwed up, I've messed everything up and everything's falling apart!"

"What's falling apart?" Lorelai sounded alarmed and Rory sobbed,

"Everything. Me, my life, everything about me. I'm nothing, I'm just married and now that's falling apart too."

"Rory, don't talk like that," Lorelai said desperately but Rory shook her head.

"What am I doing? I'm just at home, doing nothing, and I know I should be doing something but I'm not, it's like I can't, it's like something's stopping me but I can't see it, and all I do is follow Logan wherever he goes and I'm just his wife. I'm nothing else, I'm _nothing_."

"Rory, that is not true," Lorelai said sharply, locking eyes with her daughter. "You are fantastic, you are my beautiful, fantastic daughter, you went to Yale and no one can take that away from you."

"I went to Yale, so what?" Rory sobbed. "What am I doing now? I'm arranging parties and cooking dinner and waiting for my husband to come home. I'm like Grandma only she was happy."

"Rory Gilmore, don't you dare compare yourself to Emily."

"Why not? It's true. The only difference is that Grandma wanted to do all those things and I didn't want any of this. I don't want any of this, I want something different. I wanted to be who I thought I would be."

Lorelai stared at her and the sadness in her eyes made Rory start crying again.

"Mom, you must be so disappointed in me. Look at how I've turned out."

"That is not true," Lorelai said fiercely, going and hugging her. "You could never, ever disappoint me."

"I'm disappointed," Rory said, crying into her shoulder. "I am."

"Shh, baby," Lorelai said gently as Rory cried helplessly. "It' s okay."

"I'm such a screw up!"

"No, you're not. You're not. We're going to fix it. You're going to fix it, we can do it together."

"How?" Rory demanded, lifting her face from Lorelai's now sodden shoulder. Lorelai looked at her and said seriously,

"Rory, I think you need to talk to someone."

"What?"

"Honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I – you think I'm that messed up?"

"It's not about being messed up," Lorelai said gently. "It's about getting help. Rory, you're crying about your life and throwing glasses. That's not good. I'm concerned about that, I have to be."

Rory was silent, unable to argue, and Lorelai said,

"I'm here for you, whenever you need me, and I want you to talk to me but you need someone who knows more than me. This won't get fixed with a movie night and pizza. Rory, if you're unhappy all the time and you don't know what to do or why you're feeling that way then you need to talk to someone."

Rory didn't say anything and Lorelai asked gently,

"What is it?"

"I'm just thinking about how Grandma said therapy was for people who went around licking mailboxes."

"You're seriously taking mental health advice from Emily Gilmore?" Lorelai asked incredulously. "You're kidding, right?"

Rory smiled and Lorelai added,

"Didn't you get therapy before?"

"Yale made me," Rory said defensively. "And you said you were sorry I was a nut."

Lorelai winced.

"Rats. Of all the jokes to make." She paused and said, "I got therapy too, once."

Rory stared at her as her mother blushed.

"You never told me that."

"It was kind of unofficial – Grandma and Grandpa tried to set Christopher up with a psychiatrist and in the car afterward I sort of spilled my lifestory to her."

"Did you ever go back?"

"No, but I probably should have. See," Lorelai smiled. "We're nuts together."

Rory laughed a little and Lorelai took her hand again.

"Rory, whatever's happened, you aren't nothing," she said, her voice breaking slightly. "You're still Rory Gilmore and she's an incredible, intelligent woman. I'm always proud to have you as my daughter."

Rory stared at her and then flung her arms around her neck.

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, sweets," Lorelai said, kissing her cheek. "It's going to be fine, I promise."

"I don't know what to do now. I was going to drive back, but –"

"Go to bed," Lorelai said firmly. "Take off that dress and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I'll call Logan."

"Are you sure?"

"It's an order. I'm still your mother and I hold the right to pull out the mom card."

"You know I turned eighteen a long time ago, right?"

"Hey, the mom card has no expiry date," Lorelai said with a grin. "Bed. Go."

Rory laughed and obeyed. Despite staying at Jess's she felt incredibly tired, as though she hadn't slept at all and as she crawled under the covers she felt into a deep, bottomless sleep without dreams.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory woke sometime later to hear her mother on the phone. She sat up slightly as she heard Lorelai say,

"She doesn't want to talk to you."

Rory's breath caught painfully in her throat.

"Logan, I don't care if she's your wife," Lorelai retorted. "She's my kid and she doesn't want to see or talk to you."

Rory exhaled, hugging her knees tightly as she heard Lorelai say angrily,

"Why didn't you call me? What? Well, I have a cellphone, even she left hers. You could have called that or my landline – yes, I still have a landline, I'm retro that way."

Rory smiled but bit her lip as Lorelai yelled,

"It is my business! My kid comes here, crying about a fight you had, things you said to her, and she doesn't know what to do! She left in the middle of the night and you didn't even call! I don't care how angry you were! Your wife left in the middle of the night and you didn't try to find her!"

There was another pause and Lorelai said furiously,

"Logan, we are done with this conversation. She'll get home when she gets home. Give her some space. You didn't seem so concerned last night. She'll come home when she's ready. Go punch a cushion, kick a chair or spend a ton of money, quit yelling at me. Deal with it, Logan. Goodbye."

Lorelai put the phone down with a swear and Rory called,

"Is he mad?"

"God, you scared me," Lorelai said, going into the room. "I thought you were asleep."

"I was."

"Did I wake you?" Lorelai winced and Rory smiled.

"Doesn't matter."

"I'm sorry."

"Is he mad?"

"Forget what he wants," Lorelai said brazenly. "He's a big boy, he'll be fine. Maybe he can throw a glass too."

Rory smiled without meaning to. Lorelai grinned.

"Did it make a good sound?"

"The best," Rory admitted. "It felt good."

"I smashed one of Mom's china statues once," Lorelai admitted, going red. "When I was twelve."

"Seriously?"

"I was mad at her because she wouldn't let me wear lipstick in the house," Lorelai said, laughing a little. "Said it made me look like the Whore of Babylon."

"Wow."

"Yeah. There was a way that made me look like that much more than lipstick a few years later."

"Did you throw it against the wall?"

"No – I knocked it on the floor accidentally on purpose. I was really scared once I did it and tried to fix it with superglue, a failed endeavour –"

"You amaze me."

"And then when Mom saw she didn't even get angry," Lorelai laughed. "She said Gran had given it to her and she'd always hated it. She'd just kept it out because she might visit soon. I was so relieved it was embarrassing."

They laughed together and Lorelai added,

"I swore I'd never make my kid so mad she'd throw things. Guess I failed at that, huh?"

"It was Logan, not you," Rory explained but there was a seriousness to her tone.

"What is it?"

"Logan wants a kid."

"He what?"

"He wants to have a baby," Rory said, suddenly embarrassed. "And I don't."

"You're way too young to have a kid."

"Mom, I'm nearly ten years older than you were."

"I _was_ a kid! You're still pretty young."

"We're not having one," Rory continued. "But I thought I was pregnant."

Lorelai sucked in her breath.

"When?"

"Before we moved."

"You never told me."

Rory could hear the hurt in her voice and quickly said,

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell anyone. I was so unhappy about it...if I had been I decided I would get an abortion. I don't know if I'd have changed my mind, but...what do you think?"

"I don't know," Lorelai said honestly. "I'm glad you weren't."

"Me too. Do you think I should have kept it?"

Lorelai looked at her and said seriously,

"I could never make that decision for you. I love the one I made but I would never tell anyone they should do it too, especially not my daughter. You weren't sure and I was."

Rory nodded silently and then said,

"I didn't tell Logan. I feel like we never talk now...it's like we can't."

"Does he know how you're feeling?" Lorelai asked gently and Rory shook her head.

"Have you tried talking to him?"

"If I do he gets defensive," Rory said, looking down at the covers. "And he usually doesn't want to talk about it because he's been working all day."

"Try talking to him," Lorelai said firmly. "Make him sit down and listen."

"I will," Rory promised. "I'll try."

"I really wish you'd come to me about this," Lorelai said sadly and Rory hesitantly started,

"Mom –"

"It's okay," Lorelai said quickly. "Don't apologise, it's not that, I just wish you'd talked to me."

Rory nodded, her hair casting a shade over her face.

"Me too. I'm sorry."

She clasped her hands together, feeling a little defeated. Lorelai took her chin in her hands and said softly,

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Rory said, making herself smile and sound bright. She pushed back the covers and got up. "I had a good sleep."

"I'm glad," Lorelai said, sounding cheerful again. "And you know what the best thing to do after sleeping is?"

"What?"

"Luke's!"

Rory grinned.

"I'll be ready in ten minutes!"

Rory dressed in a similar ensemble to what she worn the last time she'd crashed at Lorelai's. Her mother laughed, teased her, and two walked happily to Luke's. It was a sunny day and the air was fresh. The diner looked cheerful in the sun and was relatively empty as they went up to the counter.

"Hey, Luke," Lorelai said, putting a protective arm around her daughter's shoulders. "Could we get pancakes with extra chocolate chips?"

"Sure," Luke said, sounding puzzled. "Strawberries too?"

Lorelai looked at Rory.

"What do you think hon, strawberries too?"

"Yes," Rory said, looking up. "Strawberries too. Please."

"Coming right up," Luke said in a strangely cheerful voice. "That table by the window's free, if you want it."

"Thanks, Luke," Lorelai said. "Come on, sweets."

She steered Rory toward the table and Rory could tell Luke was still looking at them in concern, and guessed it wasn't due to the odd clothes she was wearing. She wondered if Jess had said something to him but quickly dismissed it. It may have been several years since they had been together but Rory knew he would never divulge a secret, hers or anyone else's.

The pancakes came shortly after they had settled down, along with two steaming mugs of coffee, which Luke set carefully in front of them.

"There you go," Luke said, still sounding as though he were talking to an invalid. "Pancakes and coffee and double strawberries."

"Thank you, Luke," Lorelai said gratefully, cutting into the food. Rory was about to start hers when she noticed Luke was hovering beside them. He looked at her and asked anxiously,

"Are you okay, Rory?"

"Of course I'm okay," Rory said hastily. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Luke shrugged and, despite what she had just thought, asked,

"Did Jess say something to you?"

"Jess?" Luke echoed in surprise. "No. I haven't seen him since last night when he helped me lock up. Why?"

"No reason," Rory said awkwardly and Luke frowned.

"I didn't know you two were friends again."

"Kind of," Rory said vaguely. "Is he here today?"

"He had to meet some clients - don't know why it had to be Saturday but he's gone to New York. He'll be back around six – do you need me to call him?"

"No," Rory said hastily. "No, don't bother him, it's fine."

"Okay."

"And don't say I was asking – no, you can if you want – say what you want," Rory trailed off, blushing as Luke and Lorelai stared at her.

"Okay," Luke said, sounding incredibly confused. "I'll tell Jess...what I want?"

"Yeah," Rory mumbled. "Thanks."

He nodded and left them to their breakfast. Rory stared to eat and Lorelai asked,

"What was that all about?"

She laughed as she said it but her voice was serious and Rory sighed.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? You spent the night at his place!"

"I didn't _spend the night_," Rory snapped, letting her fork fall with a clatter. "It wasn't anything like that – we're just friends."

"Okay, but when did you and Jess become _just friends_ again?" Lorelai demanded. "I didn't even know you were seeing each other. You were at his place that other time but I figured it was a one-time thing."

"It was," Rory mumbled. "Apart from the other time."

"What other time?" Lorelai asked sharply. Rory closed her eyes.

"I had another fight with Logan," she admitted. "I drove out here again and I spent the night at his."

"You spent the night? On his couch?"

"In his bed."

Lorelai stared and Rory quickly added,

"He was on the couch."

"What did you sleep in?"

"What did I _sleep_ in?" Rory demanded. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know, what am I supposed to say when my daughter tells me she spent the night in her ex-boyfriend's bed?"

"Would you keep your voice down?" Rory hissed, staring around the diner. "You're making it sound like we slept in it together. Anyway, I didn't sleep naked or something. He lent me a shirt and some shorts."

She bent back down over her plate, hiding her face in her food and when she looked up Lorelai was still staring.

"Why didn't you come to me?"

"Because it was late and I didn't want to wake you."

"You know I wouldn't have minded," Lorelai said. "Why did you go to him?"

"Because we're friends," Rory said defiantly. "And yes, it's kind of a recent development, but we are."

"Okay," Lorelai said suspiciously. "So what did Logan say when you told him?"

Rory went red and her mother exclaimed,

"You didn't tell him?"

"He'd flip out!" Rory exclaimed. "He'd blow the whole thing out of proportion and we'd have a fight!"

"Rory, don't you think he's going to blow it a lot worse when he finds out you've kept it from him?"

"He doesn't need to know," Rory said decidedly. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"It's going to hurt him more if he finds out! Trust me, Rory. I never told Luke about going to see Christopher. It was totally innocent but it looked like it wasn't because I kept it secret and it practically ruined our relationship."

Lorelai sounded sad and Rory felt a rush of guilt.

"Shouldn't Logan trust me?"

"Yes, he should, but how would it look to you if you found out he'd been seeing an ex-girlfriend behind your back?"

"Horrible," Rory admitted. "I'd feel horrible."

Rory didn't add that Logan didn't have ex-girlfriends, only bridesmaids, but she kept the thought to herself. She fell silent and Lorelai looked at her sympathetically until she blurted out,

"I don't want to tell him."

"Rory –"

"I like having something private," Rory said forcefully. "It's been years since – I don't have any friends of my own. I like having something which is just mine, not because of him, and something in my life Logan doesn't know about."

"You don't want to share things with him?"

"No, I –" Rory stopped herself and said miserably, "Everything I have is shared. I just want something to myself."

She picked up the fork and picked up some pancake, pushing it in her mouth and letting the rest fall back. Lorelai sighed.

"Rory, you don't have to tell him. I won't tell you what to do."

"You think I should tell him."

"I think if you keep it hidden and then he finds out it's going to look a lot worse than it is."

"But what about all those things I just –"

"I know," Lorelai said heavily, cutting her off. "I know."

They both lapsed into silence and ate the rest of their breakfast without another word.

Rory sat in the diner for a while longer, hoping to see Jess. She knew he wouldn't be back until evening yet she stared furtively around the diner, hoping for a chance meeting all the same. Lorelai eventually said she had plans with Sookie and they got up to leave.

"Want to come?" Lorelai asked brightly. "We're going to the market, it could be fun."

Rory shook her head apologetically.

"I need to go talk to Logan."

"Yes," Lorelai agreed sadly. "You do."

They went back to the house where Rory gathered her meagre collection of things and kissed her mother goodbye.

"Thanks, Mom."

"Anytime, sweets," Lorelai said, hugging her tightly. "You'll think about what I said?"

Rory nodded silently and Lorelai added,

"Tell my son-in-law we need to have a chat too."

"Mom!"

"I think he got the message when I called," Lorelai said. "But you can still repeat it."

"Bye, Mom."

"Goodbye, hon."

Rory walked slowly back to the gazebo. The day was still clear and the brightness of the sun hurt her eyes. She shielded them as she got into the car, wondering at how it had only been hours since her fight with Logan. She wanted to leave the car and go back, wait in Jess's apartment, but she knew Logan was waiting and so she put the car into gear.

The roads were clear and Rory got home shortly. She walked up the stairs she had flown down last night and slowly opened the door. The room had been tidied and all evidence of the party was gone, including the shards of glass. The only reminder was the gold balloons which were starting to get a deflated look. Rory placed her keys on the counter and jumped as she noticed Logan on the couch.

"Hey," she said nervously as he got up.

"Hey," he said quietly and then, "Nice outfit."

Rory ignored the jibe and took her jacket off.

"Logan, we need to talk," Rory said bravely. "There's something I –"

"It's okay, Rory," Logan said, cutting her off. "I forgive you."

"You – what?" Rory said, dumbfounded.

"I forgive you," Logan said, smiling in a condescending kind of way. "I forgive you for throwing the glass and running out without your cellphone and getting your mom to yell at me. Let's just forget about it."

"I don't know if it's as easy as that," Rory said, a little shocked. "Aren't you sorry?"

"I'm sorry I made you feel bad," Logan said. "But come on, throwing glasses?"

"I was upset."

"When I get upset I don't throw breakables around," Logan chortled. "Come on Ace, it was a kind of crazy thing to do."

"I guess," Rory conceded. "I'm sorry."

"At least it wasn't at my head, huh," Logan teased. Rory blushed and he moved to kiss her. Rory saw over his shoulder a line of bottles on the table and caught a smell of alcohol. She was sure they weren't the ones they had bought for the party but instead she said hesitantly,

"Logan, Mom thinks I need to talk to someone."

"What?"

"She thinks I'm depressed," Rory said, looking at him nervously. "I mean, I've been feeling unhappy lately and throwing a glass – it's not good. It couldn't hurt, could it?"

"What are you talking about?" Logan said with a laugh. "What have you got to be depressed about?"

"I – I don't know. I haven't had a job for a while."

"So you're bored?" Logan demanded. "Don't I give you a good life?"

"It's not that, Logan," Rory said desperately. "It's not the kind of life you give me."

"Rory, we live in a seriously expensive apartment in Hartford and we could have a maid if you wanted," Logan said irritably. "I buy you the best clothes, the best food, the best –"

"It's not that!"

"Why are you saying all this then?" Logan asked angrily. "You knew when you married me that this would be kind of life we'd lead, a wealthy life. You said it's what you wanted."

"I didn't say that," Rory said quietly. "I said I wanted to be with you."

"And all this came with me," Logan said, folding his arms. "You knew that."

"Yes, but Logan, it's something more than – it's how I'm feeling in general."

"Get a job then," Logan said shortly. "I never stopped you."

"I didn't say you did –"

"What's so wrong with not having a job, anyway?" Logan asked. "It's not like you live in a dump. You've got the TV and internet and you can get dinner early for when I get back. In theory, anyway."

He walked smartly away from her and opened the laptop, clicking at websites as Rory protested,

"I'm not saying that, Logan, it's about me. I'm unhappy and I don't know why."

"Here," Logan said, ignoring her and turning the screen so Rory could see it. "Look at that."

"What?" Rory asked, caught off-guard. "What am I looking at?"

"The Country Club website!" Logan said proudly. "I bought us a membership!"

"I thought we agreed –"

"You said you're bored. You can hang out there and make friends with the members."

"The members?" Rory echoed, the day in the steam room painfully fresh in her mind. "You mean with the corporate wives?"

"With anyone," Logan shrugged. "As long as you only say good things about me."

Rory shook her head, feeling as though her husband had struck a heavy blow to it.

"Logan, I thought we agreed not to join."

"No, you agreed," Logan contradicted. "I wanted to join. Things change."

"Logan –"

"Look at the grounds," Logan said, clicking on something which filled the screen with landscape. "How could anyone be depressed walking around that?"

"Logan –"

"You'll be your old self again in no time," Logan said, grinning at his wife as he shut the screen. "Grab your jacket."

"Why?"

"I'm taking you to lunch there. We can start there today."

Rory stared at him helplessly and he asked curiously,

"What were you going to say?"

"Huh?"

"You said you had to tell me something when you came in. Was it just that?"

"Yeah," Rory said coldly, her dream from the previous night alight again. "Just that."

She picked up her keys and Logan started laughing.

"What?" she snapped.

"Get changed," he chortled. "You look like someone I married in a barn."

Rory stormed into their bedroom, pulling out expensive clothes from the closet. Logan yelled at her to hurry and, when she came out, dressed in an ivory shirt and black pants he smiled and said,

"Great, you look presentable."

"Don't I always?" Rory asked in a dull voice. He ignored her and opened the door.


	18. Chapter 18

**Rory is supposed to be mildly depressed in this fic so it's not as a simple as her just getting up and getting out. Yes, relationships take work, and as Rory has married Logan she sees it as her duty to stay. No, Logan doesn't physically stop her from reading (that's her depression) or finding a job, but he does manipulate her, humiliate her both publically and privately and laugh at her unhappiness, ignoring her when she tries to tell him she's unhappy and needs help, thwarting her from doing so. If you think Logan is treating Rory well in this fic then I don't know what to say to you. Every single person I have known who was in unhealthy relationship stayed much, much longer than they should have because they felt tied to the person and wanted things to be how they were at the start. Rory doesn't hate Logan, she's conflicted, and she doesn't want to lose her life with him. Everyone is pressuring Rory to stay, Logan, her grandparents, society, herself. This fic isn't about an affair. It's supposed to be about Rory coming back from a mistake she hasn't admitted to herself that she's made yet. If you hate the way it's going so much, why do you keep reading it?**

The club was exactly how Rory had remembered it. She and Logan pulled up near the main building and walked to the dining hall for lunch. Rory barely had time to admire the lush expanse of green surrounding them before her husband was whisking her inside and looking for a table.

"Rory!"

"Grandpa?" Rory exclaimed, turning around. "What are you doing here?"

"It's Saturday, I like going to the club on Saturdays," Richard said briskly, dressed in golfing gear. "I didn't know you two were members!"

"I just signed us up, Richard," Logan said, going and shaking Richard's hand. "Bought the membership today."

"I think that's a very fine decision," Richard beamed. "Here, let me introduce you to everyone. Rory, here's some people you might remember. Fellows!"

A group of elderly men turned around at the neighbouring table as Richard proudly said,

"Men, this Rory. She came here with me once before though you might not remember, it was quite a while ago now."

"Of course we remember!" one of the men said loudly, taking his glasses off. "Your granddaughter, isn't she? Wanted to go to Fez?"

"That's right," Rory said with a small smile. He put his glasses back on and stared at her.

"The last time I saw you, you were just a chit of a girl. Makes a man feel old to see you all grown up."

"Oh, you were already old," Richard scolded. His friend waved him away and said,

"Your grandfather told me you went to Yale, is that right?"

"Yes, sir," Rory smiled and he frowned and said,

"I thought it was going to be Harvard."

"Oh, we talked her out of that," Richard laughed. "She made the right choice, graduated and married this fine specimen over here, Logan Huntzberger."

"Huntzberger," the man exclaimed, getting up as Logan shook his head. "Are you Mitchum's boy?"

"That I would be."

"Why, he's a fine businessman," Richard's friend said admiringly. "Never talked to him much, but – Rory, you made a wise choice on all counts."

Everyone started laughing and he queried,

"Any young Huntzbergers running around yet?"

"Now, now, that's none of your business," Richard said as Rory shook her head, embarrassed. "They're young yet."

"Young? Why, you already had Lorelai by their age and I had my two before Emily was pregnant."

"They've got time," Richard said, protectively putting his hands on his granddaughter's shoulders. "Let them be."

"Fine, fine," his friend said, waving his hand. "I've got to see some boys at the bar anyway. Tell me, Rory," he called as they started to walk away, "did you make it to Fez?"

"I –" Rory hesitated and shook her head. "No. I didn't."

He wasn't listening and no one noticed the sadness she felt.

"What are you standing there for?" Logan said impatiently. "Let's eat."

After a large lunch they went for a stroll in the grounds. Richard and Logan went to play golf and Rory was left alone on the grass. She sighed and looked around. It seemed like eons ago that she had come here with her grandfather to learn how to play golf. She had enjoyed that day so much yet the place seemed empty now, with none of the charm she remembered. Rory quickly moved away from the group of wives who were watching their husbands play golf. She walked around awkwardly, not sure what do with herself, and saw a patch of trees in the distance. Rory made her way over to them and settled underneath, enjoying the shade, and pulled out her purse. She had put Jess's book in it and, after looking around to check she was alone, she started to read.

"What are you doing?"

Rory jumped. She had been so engrossed in the book that she hadn't noticed Logan coming toward her, golf club in hand.

"You're not supposed to sit under the trees."

"There wasn't a sign saying not to," Rory said defensively. "Look, people are walking all over the grass."

"If you want to read, get a chair," Logan said, as though he were talking to a child. "It's not Stars Hollow, you can't just eat dinner out here."

"I'm not eating, I'm reading," Rory retorted. "I didn't think it was that big a deal."

"What are you reading?" Logan asked, grabbing the novel from her. "_Slaughterhouse Five_? What, is it about an abattoir or something?"

"Sure, why not," Rory said stonily, heart pounding as he looked at it. He didn't open it, to her relief and handed it back, saying dismissively,

"Sounds depressing."

He watched as Rory got to her feet and said,

"Come on, let's go. I want to eat dinner and your grandfather is trying to make me drink with his friends."

"We could eat here."

"Nah, this place is giving me the hives," Logan said, tugging at his sweater and making a face. "Hurry up, I don't want to explain to everyone why my wife was sitting on the grass instead of watching me play golf."

Rory followed him to the car, stopping to say goodbye to Richard, who gave her an unexpected hug.

"I'm so glad you've decided to join," he said fondly. "Feels right that it's part of the family."

Rory nodded and he said,

"I hope you'll bring your children someday."

"Grandpa –"

"Someday," Richard said, his eyes twinkling. "Maybe your child will be more adept at golf."

Rory didn't know what to say. She was saved from replying by Logan honking the car horn in impatience.

The rest of the week passed slowly. Rory's hand wavered over the phone, knowing she should make an appointment like her mother had said, but Logan's words, laughter that she had nothing to be depressed about stopped her. She felt ashamed. Logan worked late every night, coming home smelling of something other than the office. Whenever Rory asked he would say that he had gone for a drink afterward and the scent was from that. On Friday, when he said he didn't know what time he would be back, Rory called Jess. Her heart fluttered as he answered.

"Hey," he said. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing."

Rory grinned. "Want to do something?"

"Sure. Meet me by the gazebo."

Rory changed into a sweater and jeans and headed out, leaving Jess's novel on the table from where she'd sat to read it. It didn't take her long to drive to Stars Hollow and he was there waiting, the moon casting a light on his face.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Any reason for the call?" Jess asked as Rory walked up to him. "Has something happened?"

"No, I just thought we could hang out. We're still friends, right?"

"Right," Jess said with a crooked grin. "Shall we?"

They walked back to his apartment without discussion. Silently Roy settled on the chair she always took and Jess poured her a glass of wine.

"So how are you liking _Slaughterhouse Five_?" Jess asked, sitting beside her. "Have you finished it yet?"

"Almost. I read most of it yesterday at the cub."

"The club?"

"The Country Club. Logan told me off for sitting under the trees."

"You're kidding," Jess said, pushing his chair to face hers. "The one in Hartford?"

"Only for the richest people."

"I thought you didn't want to join," Jess said and Rory blushed.

"I didn't. He signed us up anyway."

"Good to know he respects your opinion," Jess said sarcastically. "So you checked it out?"

"Yep. It was just how you'd imagine it. I went once, when I was sixteen, and I liked it then, it didn't seem so..." her voice trailed off and Jess looked at her expectantly. "So _money_," she finished. "It was like a bubble of wealth."

"Doesn't sound so bad to me," Jess teased but he looked sympathetic. "What happened, anyway? After the party? Luke said you stopped by the diner the next day with your mom. I figured you were going straight home."

"Mom saw me," Rory said, looking down at her glass. "She took me home and I stayed there for a few hours before driving back. That was when Logan signed us up to the club."

"The same day?" Jess said incredulously. "What about your fight?"

"He said he forgave me."

Rory looked up and saw Jess's mouth drop slightly.

"He said_ he_ forgave _you_," he said in disbelief. "For him humiliating you?"

"For throwing the glass...I guess it was kind of a stupid thing to do."

"No, Rory, it was because he was humiliating you and treating you like trash and he had the gall to say he forgave _you_? Don't tell me you apologised."

Rory's face went red and Jess exclaimed,

"You apologised to him?"

"Well –"

"Rory, what are you doing?" Jess demanded, staring her in the eyes. "Why do you let him push you around like this?"

"He's not pushing me around!"

"No? He's not turning something around he did on you, making you feel bad, and signing you up to a club you didn't want to join?"

"He said I could make friends there," Rory said weakly and Jess got up, shaking his head.

"You've got to be kidding me."

"I told him I was unhappy and that I thought I should see someone and he –"

"What, thought an iced tea would solve it?"

"He said I didn't have anything to feel depressed about," Rory admitted. "He said I knew what I was getting into when I married him."

Jess stared at her in silence and Rory burst out,

"Jess, stop! Stop looking at me like that!"

"Rory, what the hell is going on here?" Jess demanded. "This isn't you, this – you married to this moron who's treating you like dirt!"

"He's trying –"

"Trying to what?" Jess snapped. "Trying to demean you all the time, trying to tell you your problems aren't real, trying to make you feel bad when he's been a jerk?"

"Jess –"

"You deserve better than this," Jess said furiously. "I could see the way he was treating you four years ago. You were unhappy then and you're unhappy now."

"Jess –"

"I wasn't ecstatic when I heard you married him," Jess said, pacing around. "I still thought he was a jerk but I thought as long you were happy, it wasn't my business. It's your life and if you want to be Mrs Huntzberger that's your choice."

"I kept my name," Rory said weakly. Jess shook his head.

"You're still his wife. He's still acting like he owns you. Anyway, that's not the point. I figured I'd keep my mouth shut, I'm not going to try and split up a marriage but you are miserable. He's making your life hell."

Rory didn't say anything and Jess insisted,

"Tell me you're happy. Tell me you're happy to be married to him, tell me you made the right choice. I don't believe it."

"Jess, it's not that simple –"

"Yes, it is!" Jess exclaimed, sinking back down to face her. "It is that simple! You're better than this! You can walk away!"

"Jess, it's not just a relationship," Rory protested. "It's a marriage. It takes work."

"You've been married for two years, do you think anything's going to change?"

"I made a commitment, I can't –" Rory stopped for breath and said heavily, "I always decided that any marriage I made was going to last."

"What, you're worried about what people might say?"

"I don't want my marriage to be a statistic!"

"So do you care."

"Jess, none of my mom's relationships ever worked out," Rory said slowly. "She was engaged and everything and it still didn't work. I want it to stay happy."

"But it's not happy, you're not happy!" Jess exclaimed. "So you're going to stay married to someone because you're scared of failing? You're going to stay miserable for the rest of your life?"

"No!" Rory cried. "I don't want to be miserable, I want it to work! It has to, I love him!"

"But it's not working!"

They stared at each other. Jess was sitting so close to Rory that his knees were brushing hers but neither made a move or sound.

"Logan loves me," Rory said eventually and Jess shook his head. "What?"

"If Logan loves you so much how come he gets home so late every night? What's he doing?"

"He works –"

"That's what he says," Jess snorted. "How come he ignores what you want? How come he told you it was your fault when he humiliated you? How come he laughs at you when you tell him you're unhappy?"

Rory stared at him and Jess said,

"That's not a way to treat someone you love."

"I know Logan's not perfect, but –"

"He's a jerk," Jess said roughly. "And being married to him doesn't make less of one. What's he going to do next? When's he going to cheat on you again?"

"He's not –"

"Because he says he's _changed_? People don't change, Rory. He's still a jerk. My mom married a ton of jerks."

Rory bit her lip and he added,

"The new husband would always be _different._ He wouldn't hit her like the last one, or bully her, or make her have sex. This one would steal instead, or yell at her, or yell at me, but she'd never leave because they were married. She thought he'd change if she proved that she loved him enough. She was scared to be alone. He'd always leave her with half her possessions and break her heart."

"Jess, I –"

"I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me," Jess said, lowering his voice. "I just don't think staying married is worth your happiness. Nothing is."

"Jess –"

"He's not making you happy," Jess said quietly. "He's not."

Rory tried to speak and found she couldn't He took her hand and she didn't shake it away. She looked deep into his eyes, his gaze uncompromising. She wanted to say something, tried to open her mouth, but all she could do was look at him. His face was moving nearer and nearer and suddenly his lips were brushing hers. Rory let them rest for the briefest moment and then instantly got up, backing away.

"I have to go!"

"Rory, I –"

"Jess, I have to go," Rory said wildly, grabbing her purse. "I need to go, right now."

"Rory, wait!"

Rory was already running down the stairs of the apartment. She drove back in a state of shock, her head reeling, and exclaimed in shock as Logan was home and waiting by the table.

"God, you scared me," she said breathlessly. Logan didn't smile. He held up the copy of _Slaughterhouse Five_ and said furiously,

"What's this?"

"What are you –"

Logan ignored her and flipped open the front cover where it read, in black pen, _personal property of Jess Mariano._

"So," Logan said in a deep, dangerous voice. "You want to tell me what's going on?"


	19. Chapter 19

**Thanks everyone for the kind comments!**

The silence in the room was electric. Logan stared at Rory, wild in the eye, and she saw, beside the book, a bottle of beer. The smell was potent and choking.

"What's going on?"

"Logan –"

"You've been to see him," Logan said. "I know you have, the way you're dressed in those dumb clothes..."

"Logan, nothing –"

"What the hell is this, Rory?"

"Let me explain," Rory said tearfully. "Jess and I are just friends."

"Who you've been seeing behind my back!"

"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this!" Rory cried. "I knew you'd think the wrong thing!"

"The wrong thing?" Logan shouted. "What's the right thing, Rory? How long has this been going on?"

"About a month," Rory admitted and, as Logan shook his head, she said, "You're acting as if – Logan, I'm not cheating on you. Jess is my friend."

"Your friend who used to be your boyfriend," Logan snapped. "Who you didn't tell your husband about."

"I didn't want you to be jealous!"

"What am I supposed to think, Rory?" Logan demanded, spreading his hands out in mock confusion. "I find out my wife's been seeing her ex-boyfriend behind my back for more than a month, and for what? Him to loan you novels?"

"That is all it is!" Rory pleaded, trying to forget the brush of Jess's lips. "Logan, I'm your wife, don't you trust me?"

"It's kind of hard to trust you when I find out you've been seeing him through the book you've been reading. I guess I should thank Kurt Vonnegut, seeing as you'd never tell me!"

Logan spat the last of the words. His face was red and his breath was ugly with alcohol. Rory took a deep breath.

"Logan, I didn't tell you because you got so upset about when I ate breakfast with him," she said carefully. "I didn't want to fight about it."

Logan stayed silent and, encouraged, Rory went on,

"I'm sorry I kept it from you, it's just – Jess was my friend as well as my boyfriend. He still is my friend. It's been so long since we've seen each other and I liked having someone to talk to. I don't have many friends here," she admitted. "I missed that."

"Aren't we friends?" Logan demanded, moving closer to Rory so the stench of beer was even stronger. "I thought I was more than just your husband."

"You are, but – Logan, you work a lot. I don't know anyone in Hartford."

"That's your fault," Logan said stingingly. "You don't want to make friends with any of people I've told you to meet."

"Logan, I need a friend outside of all this," Rory said desperately. "Someone who I don't know from the club, or your office someone who – Jess knows me so well. We've known each other for so long and I know what you're thinking, but our relationship was so long ago. He's my friend, Logan, and I need that. I need something away from here."

Rory stopped for breath. She stared anxiously at her husband who shook his head.

"Quit seeing him."

"What?"

"Don't give me crap about needing his friendship," Logan said, his words clear despite the alcohol. "You have a friend, you have Lane, and Paris, though I'd call her a neurotic more than –"

"Logan, I can't just hang out with Lane, she's married too, and a mom, and I have to arrange to see her...I love Lane but it's not the same. Paris lives in Boston and – Logan, Jess is my friend. He's someone I can go hang out with and I like that."

"I don't want you see him again," Logan said angrily. "I don't want my wife hanging out with some old boyfriend she had in high school."

Rory stared at him and he added, with a cruel laugh,

"Even if the most exciting thing you did was share milkshake before going to the barn dance. Does he do-si-do? Did he write a thrilling account in the scrapbook he calls a novel?"

"Shut up," Rory said furiously. "You don't know a thing about him."

"I know enough," Logan said, his teasing voice gone. "This is the last night you'll see him."

"You can't tell me who I can and can't see," Rory snapped and Logan stared at her, surprised at the retort.

"You'd listen if you had any respect for me as a husband."

"So respect means you dictating my friendships?"

"It means respecting my wish for you not to get chatty with your old boyfriends!" Logan shouted, making her jump. "Damnit, Rory!"

He strode away and grabbed the bottle of beer. He swigged the rest down, let out a belch, and grabbed his keys.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going out," Logan said. "Getting some air."

"You're not driving?"

"Relax, I can handle it," Logan sneered. "Not that you should be telling me what do – it's not what spouses do, right?"

"Logan –"

He glared at her and slammed out of the apartment. Rory stood alone in shock, her ears ringing, feeling as though she had been slapped. The hum of Logan's car stirred her and she moved to the window to see his car crawling out onto the road and moving away, in a thankful straight line. She stared after it and then shook herself, pouring the last few dregs of the beer down the sink and putting the bottle in the recycling box, along with the company of several others. She picked up the novel where Logan had left it, stained with a drop of beer, and took it into their bedroom where she curled under the covers, still fully-dressed, and opened the book. She couldn't finish it. The beer had ruined the book, the smell overpowering, and Rory put it down. It had been destroyed, along with everything else. Rory closed her eyes tightly, hoping sleep would take away the memory of the night, Jess's kiss and, her secret shame, that part of her had hoped he would kiss her harder.

The sound of her phone woke her. Rory sat up, bleary-eyed, and saw that she had dozed off for two hours. She answered the phone before seeing who it was.

"Rory."

It was Jess. Rory was relieved and anxious at the same time.

"Jess, listen –"

"Rory, I'm sorry," Jess said in an agonised voice. "Please, can you let me talk to you? I –"

"Jess, Logan found out," Rory said, cutting him off. "Not about the – not about what happened but he knows about me going to see you. He found the book you loaned me and it had your name inside the cover."

Rory heard Jess swear and she added,

"He doesn't want me to see you again."

"What?" Jess exclaimed. "He's telling you – you're kidding."

"Jess, I can't talk about this right now," Rory said, her heart as heavy as the ache in her head. "I need some time."

"Okay," Jess said, his voice gentle. "But you're not going to – don't stay away because it's what Logan wants. What do you want?"

"Right now I want some space," Rory said and Jess said, more quietly,

"Okay. I'll let you go."

"Goodnight, Jess."

"I'm sorry," Rory heard him say and hung up the phone, pretending she hadn't heard. She got out of bed, changed into her pyjamas, and crawled back in, hoping to sleep before she cried.

Logan came back in the early hours of the morning, his breath reeking of alcohol. He woke up Rory, slinging his arms around her and saying into her ear,

"Babe, let's make up."

"Logan, you're drunk," Rory said in disgust, trying to push him away. "Go to sleep."

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, I love you."

"I love you, Ace," Logan slurred, putting his mouth on hers and kissing her. "I love you way more than Stu."

"I should hope so," Rory said acidly, pushing him off her and rolling him over, almost choking at the taste in his mouth. "Goodnight."

"I want a baby with you," Logan said happily. "Not a baby with Stu."

Rory was saved from answering by the sudden, loud rumble of snores which kept her awake for the rest of the night.

Saturday was silent. Rory and Logan did not discuss their fight and Rory hid the novel in a drawer, though he didn't ask where it had gone. Rory was still incensed at Logan's demand that she stay away from Jess, yet she didn't feel ready to see him, not yet, and neither said a word about it for the rest of the weekend. Lane came over on Monday, as suggested, and she put Nico in the bedroom in her bassinet before sinking down on the sofa with a satisfied sigh.

"Civilisation," she said, closing her eyes. "A couch that isn't stained, a polished floor and I'm able to walk around or sit down without tripping over a toy. Add some Velvet Underground and I'm in heaven."

"Does it have to be live? Because I could get online and –"

Lane started laughing. Rory laughed too and sat beside her, handing her a cup of tea, and the two sat in contended silence.

"This place is so gorgeous," Lane said wistfully, opening her eyes. "Even without the kids, I could never live someplace like this. You're so lucky."

Rory's smile faded and she gripped her cup.

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I'm lucky."

Lane heard the change in tone and looked up.

"Rory? What's up?"

Rory exhaled.

"I had a fight with Logan," she told her. "We yelled, he took off and came home completely wasted."

"What did you fight about?" Lane asked curiously. "Was it the kids thing?"

"The kids thing?" Rory asked, confused, and then understood. "Oh – no, not that, though he did come home saying he wanted a baby, before Mr Responsible passed out and started snoring."

Lane giggled but she pressed,

"Why did you fight?"

"We fought about Jess."

"Jess?" Lane echoed, puzzled. "Who's that, some woman in his office?"

"No, he's not a woman_. My_ Jess, Lane."

"Your Jess? As in – Jess Mariano?" Lane asked, frowning. "Give me a clue here, Rory. Why did you fight about him? Did you keep a bundle of steamy letters or something?"

"Lane, Jess and I never wrote steamy letters," Rory said, her cheeks going pink. "And we fought because Logan found out I'd been going to see him. I've been going to his apartment and Logan found out."

Lane's mouth fell open and Rory hastily added,

"Just as friends."

"Rory, are you serious?" Lane demanded. "You've been hanging out with Jess Mariano and you didn't tell me?"

"Well –"

"Did something -?"

"Lane!" Rory said angrily. "I'd never – we were just hanging out. I don't know why I didn't tell you, it just felt...special."

Lane nodded, though she didn't look as though she understood.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Rory said apologetically. "It just felt weird, I didn't know how – I fought with Logan a few times and go see Jess. I needed to talk to someone, right then, and he's – he's my friend, Lane. It didn't feel wrong to see him."

Lane smiled and asked

"How did Logan find out?"

"Jess loaned me a novel and his name was in the front. Logan found it. He totally flipped out and told me to stay away from him."

"Wow."

"Yeah. It was like some harlequin romance. He was so unreasonable."

Lane didn't say anything and sipped her tea. Rory stared.

"You don't think he was unreasonable?"

"No, I mean – Rory, you have to see it from his point of view. He's found out you were seeing a boyfriend you used to have a pretty serious relationship with behind his back."

"But we're not in a relationship now," Rory pleaded. "And he didn't even know me then."

"Maybe that's worse – all he knows is that you used to be in love with him when you were eighteen."

Rory nodded, but she couldn't help thinking that she had never even told Logan that. All he really knew was that he was her boyfriend a long time ago.

"I'm not saying that it was okay for him to order you not to go see him," Lane said gently. "Or accuse you of something, I'm just saying that I get why he freaked out."

Rory was silent. She knew she could never tell Lane about the kiss.

"I guess I do too."

"Cut him some slack," Lane said knowingly. "He'll cool off – I bet he's thinking what an idiot he was right now. He loves you, Rory. Isn't it nice that he's a little jealous?"

"I don't know if that's the word I'd use."

"Okay, not nice, but he still sees you as someone hot," Lane teased. "Someone other than just his wife."

Lane sounded sad and Rory hesitated, unsure of what to say.

"It's that he doesn't trust me," she said eventually. "I mean, I like being seen as someone other than his wife, but even if Jess wanted to do something, why did Logan think I'd let that happen? I would never cheat on him."

"I'm sure he didn't mean it that way," Lane said kindly. "He just freaked out a little because you didn't tell him."

"Yeah, I guess."

Rory smiled and looked at Lane, her face lifted from its frown of worry.

"You know, you're a very desirable woman too, Lane Kim," she said, poking her friend's arm. "Zach should worry too."

"Stop, I've had three kids the old-fashioned way!"

"No one could tell," Rory said earnestly. "You're beautiful too, Lane. You're way more than a wife and mom."

She said it in a light, cheerful way but Lane was serious as she sat up, put the cup down and hugged her friend.

"Thanks, Rory," she said, her voice damp. "It's been the longest time since someone's said that."

"Oh, Lane –"

Lane didn't say anything but rested her head on her friend's shoulder. Rory held her until Nico woke up.

Logan came home early for once, right after Lane had left.

"What are you doing back?" Rory asked, almost alarmed. "I haven't even thought about dinner yet."

"Forget dinner," Logan said, going and putting his arms around her. Rory forced herself not to flinch. "I came to say I'm sorry."

"Logan –"

"I'm sorry I yelled," Logan said. "But you can't blame me for being mad, can you?"

Rory looked down and shook her head. Logan grinned.

"Close your eyes and hold out your hand."

"Why?"

"Just do it, Ace."

Rory obeyed and something heavy dropped in. She opened her eyes to see a jewellery box.

"What's this?"

"Open it and find out!"

Rory opened the box to find a pair of diamond earrings. She stared and gasped.

"They're beautiful."

"Real diamond," Logan said proudly, taking the box from her and getting the earrings out. "Here, let me fix them for you."

Rory stood still as he slid the gems in. He fastened the backs and then put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her.

"Let's forget about the fight," he said firmly. "You won't keep anything like this from me again, will you?"

Rory slowly shook her head and he grinned.

"Good. I always knew that Jack guy was a jerk."

"His name's –"

Logan cut her off with a quick kiss and then a heavier one before she could open her mouth. He kissed her and kissed her and whispered,

"You look so hot in those earrings."

"Logan, I –"

"I promise not to tell the guys about it," Logan teased but Rory didn't smile. "Come on Rory, I'm sorry. We can't fight about this forever, can we?"

Rory was silent and he kissed her again, pressing her body close to his. Logan's breath was hot on her neck. They went into the bedroom, Logan undressed her and lay her on the bed yet as he pushed into her Rory's thoughts were on another man.


	20. Chapter 20

**Thanks for the feedback!**

A letter arrived for Rory two days later and it stared up at her on the mat, white and unassuming. Rory picked it up in wonder, turning it around, and could tell from the narrow writing of _Rory Gilmore _that the letter was from Jess. She stood still, rubbing the thickness of the envelope between her fingers, unable to remember the last time she had received a handwritten letter. Her only mail these days were from banks or insurance companies.

Rory walked over to the cabinet where she and Logan kept various gifts they had nowhere else to put. Logan, somewhat surprisingly, owned a letter opener. It had been a present from his grandfather and Rory got it from the drawer and slowly slid the letter open, glad her husband was at work. She went into the bedroom, closing the door all the same, unfolded the paper and began to read.

_Rory,_

_It's Jess (though I'm guessing you already know that). Luke gave me your address. I'm writing to tell you I'm sorry – not because you're married, though I know I'm supposed to, but because you were hurt and upset and I should have respected that. It was wrong. I feel like a jerk and I know I was one. I'm sorry, Rory. You don't have to accept my apology but I want to say it. I feel worse than the time we fought at the party in that guy's bedroom. It killed me that you thought I was mad because you didn't want to have sex. I could never be mad at you for that. I should have explained rightaway but I was so mad at it all, how screwed up everything was, that I didn't. It hardly felt better to tell you that the reason I was angry was because I couldn't graduate and couldn't take you to your prom. I couldn't bear the look I would see in your eyes. You and Luke were the only ones in the whole town who put any faith in me and I'd let you down. I had to go. I couldn't try and be your boyfriend anymore (God, I hate that word). I wanted to say all that when I tried to call you but the words wouldn't come._

_I didn't even mean to write about that. This is what sucks about letters. I can't go back and rewrite the mess of my thoughts, try and make it clearer, what I write is set. I could have emailed you but it felt better this way. Writing the old way is more honest and somehow it's easier. I write novels, so in theory it should be easy for me to get down what I want to say on paper. It is and isn't. I wrote so many letters to you in California but I never sent any. I tore most of them up. I knew I was never going to send them but I wrote them anyway._

_I think that's enough of the trip down memory lane. I didn't plan on getting into all that (this is what I mean about the downside of writing). I didn't write just to apologize. I want you to know that I meant everything I said before, about being there if you need someone to talk to. I hope you don't think that I was just saying all that so I could kiss you, or that I had some ulterior motive when I said you could stay. I was trying to be your friend. I didn't know I was going to kiss you until I did it. Doesn't make it any better, but I want you to know that. I also meant all that stuff before – everything I said about being better than Logan and what he tells you to do. Make that appointment. Screw Logan. Anyone can get depression, you don't need a 'reason' for it and you should get help if you need it. I talked to someone once – it wasn't really official, I met a woman in the writing class I took and she was a doctor. We became friends, though it was never anything more, and I told her how screwed up everything was. This was way before The Truncheon, back when I lived in a dump in New York and washed dishes for money. She said I could talk to her if I needed. We went for coffee one day, after a class, and I ended up saying all this ugly stuff about Liz and my life and how it felt like I was doomed for failure. She just listened and it really helped. I'd never said any of that to anyone before and it wasn't as if the next day all my problems were fixed and everything was puppies and rainbows, but I felt less of a fuck-up. We had a few more meetings like that, unofficial sessions, and they helped a lot. Sometimes you need to talk to someone neutral. I don't think I was depressed but I needed to say all of it to someone and then I started to write. Who would have thought, Jess Mariano in therapy? I felt stupid enough reading the self-help book Luke gave me. The point is, it doesn't matter if you don't think you have a reason or some people are worse off than you – if you need some help, get it. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You don't have to be happy all the time, or okay all the time. You can ask for help. I know you can do it, Rory. I knew it when you went back to Yale. I knew it before that, before everything got so fucked up. _

_I'm going to head back to Philadelphia for a few weeks for some business stuff at the Truncheon. I've written the address at the bottom if you want to get in touch with me. I forgot to say – when I kissed you, I didn't do it because I was trying to tell you to leave or wreck your marriage. I'm not going to take it back, I still think you should leave Logan and I still think he's a jerk, but not because of that. Because of all the things I said before. He disrespects you, treats you badly and acts like you're his doll. You're more than that, Rory. I know you love him and marriage is a commitment (in theory) but you didn't sign yourself away when you became his wife. I know you feel trapped. I can see it in your eyes. What does Logan see, when he looks at you? Do I want the answer to that?_

_I've wasted enough trees writing this. I'm going to hopefully mail it now, instead of ripping it up like I would once. I'm sorry again for kissing you. I'm sorry for letting you down._

_Love – you know what I mean – Jess._

The letter ended there. Rory read it through again and again, her heart pounding. She could almost see Jess in her mind's eye, seated at his desk and frowning over the paper, hesitating as he wrote. The paper was alive with his touch and she brought it against her face so the words blurred. She breathed in the smell of ink and closed her eyes, the paper soft on her face. She lay still on the bed for a while, his writing blurring against her lids, before reading through it again_. Before things got so fucked up_ – for him, or for her? Jess had crossed through the word _love_, started to write it again and then decided against it by writing _you know what I mean_. Did she? Rory felt confused yet reading it again didn't make it any clearer, and she was certain Jess had never told her anything about reading a self-help book She folded the letter, slid inside _Slaughterhouse Five_ and put it back in the drawer before picking up her phone, calling the doctor's and making an appointment.

The next day Rory went to Emily's. Lorelai still went there for dinner every Friday but Rory had been excused since her marriage. Since moving back she and Logan had gone over a few times but it had been somewhat intermittent and Emily didn't seem to mind. It had always felt a little awkward going back after Rory had moved out but her marriage to Logan had wiped the slate clean and Emily welcomed her granddaughter joyfully, pulling her inside before she had gone through the door.

"Hello, hello!" she said cheerfully. "How was the drive?"

"Oh, fine."

"No traffic?"

"It's only ten minutes –"

Emily wasn't listening. She led Rory into the living room, where the drinks were ready to serve, and patted the couch for her to sit down. Rory did so and Emily said,

"Rory , those earrings are simply beautiful!"

She was wearing the diamonds Logan had bought and told her grandmother,

"They were a present from Logan."

"He treats you very well. Rory, would you like to indulge in a coffee with me? Or shall we be bad and have a glass of wine?"

"Oh, I –"

"I did hope we could drink outside on the patio," Emily said sadly. "But it just looks as if it will rain any minute. I hope I don't get a tension headache."

"I hope not, Grandma."

"Let's start with coffee," Emily said firmly, pouring them each a cup. "We can always drink wine later."

Rory thanked her and sipped the steaming liquid. It was surprisingly good.

"Grandma, this coffee is great!"

"I only demand the best," Emily said simply. "As all women should."

"I'll drink to that," Rory said, holding the cup to her mouth. Emily chuckled and did the same.

"So tell me," she said, putting her cup down. "How's married life?"

"It's fine."

"Are you enjoying being back here?"

"Oh, yes."

"And Logan?"

"He's getting used to it," Rory admitted. "He misses California."

"Well, it takes getting used to. We simply must invite you two over for dinner sometime. Richard told me you joined the club, I think that's wonderful news. It's the proper thing to do, you can meet the right sort of people and maybe some day your own children can –"

"Grandma, please."

"Oh, Rory, I'm not suggesting right now. I just mean that someday, when the time is right, you can bring your own children there. With Logan's hair and your eyes they'll be the envy of everyone. Marcia Lewis's granddaughter has a squint."

"Grandma, that's a terrible thing to say!"

"Well, she does," Emily said unapologetically. "I'm sure your children wouldn't have that problem. Don't look at me like that, Rory. I'm not making fun of Marcia. I know how it is to have the whole club whisper about you – it took more than ten years for_ that_ to die down."

Rory didn't know what to say. She drank her coffee, feeling embarrassed, and Emily added,

"Though even if your mother hadn't found herself..._in trouble_ she would never have joined the club. Lorelai never did follow procedure."

"I wasn't sure about joining," Rory admitted. Emily stared at her.

"Why not? It's a place to make connections, make friends and, don't tell your grandfather this, but a place you can send your husband if he's getting on your nerves. If I ever want some space I send Richard out to play golf and I have the place to myself for hours!"

Rory smiled weakly and Emily frowned.

"What is it?"

"What?"

"You look uncomfortable. Has something happened? Have you and Logan had a fight?"

Rory stared at her, wondering how her grandmother was able to ferret information from a single facial expression.

"Logan and I had a disagreement," Rory said carefully. She had learned that that was a less loaded phrase years ago in the DAR. It did not fool Emily.

"A disagreement or a fight?" she asked critically. Rory blushed. "It was a fight. What did you fight about?"

"Nothing."

"It must be something if you look this miserable over the mention of his name! Rory Gilmore, you are as a bad a liar as your grandfather. Tell me what this fight was about."

Rory looked at her hands, curling them tightly around her cup.

"It was nothing," she said eventually. "It doesn't matter, we made up."

"I'd like to know, all the same," Emily badgered. "If you don't mind."

The latter didn't seem to matter. Rory took a deep breath.

"We argued about a friend," she said finally. "I started seeing a friend and Logan got annoyed."

"What kind of friend? A male friend?"

"Yes, but – Grandma, we really were just friends. I explained to Logan but he got angry and said I couldn't see him again."

"Men will get jealous."

"It was unfair, wasn't it?" Rory asked tentatively. Emily looked at her pointedly.

"Marriage is about compromise," she said firmly. "Sometimes we have to make agreements we're not happy about to show that we're willing to do what it takes."

"But –"

"Rory, I named your mother _Lorelai_," Emily said in disgust. "I named her after a woman I loathed because it meant so much to your father that his only daughter have the name of his beloved mother. I compromised, I knew how much it meant to him, and we gave her the name I chose, Victoria, as her second. He told me I could choose the next one's name and, well, that never happened."

Emily sounded sad. Rory bit her lip.

"I know you have to make sacrifices," she said slowly. "But getting married doesn't mean – shouldn't you be able to make an agreement where you're both happy?"

"Life doesn't always work that way," Emily said shortly. "That's a lesson your mother never learned. I told her, at the beginning, marriage is compromise and she didn't listen. I want you to listen, Rory. A good marriage is almost as important as a good education and you've made an excellent marriage with Logan. I don't want you throwing that away because you're being stubborn like your mother."

"Grandma, I love Logan, but I don't want to give up my friendship. Shouldn't he trust me?"

"Rory, men and women can't be just friends after a certain age," Emily said crushingly. "Not unless one is gay, or – even then it looks odd. You may be friends with married couples and enjoy their spouse's company but even then, it would look odd for one to be dining with each other alone, wouldn't it?"

"I don't know," Rory said uneasily. "I'm friends with my best friend's boyfriend and it's not weird, and Mom –"

"Yes, well, your mother has her own world," Emily sniffed. "Rory, you married into _this_ world and this world has its own set of obligations. I dare say it's different in Stars Hollow where you all seem to be best friends but this place is different. There are rules, there are expectations and if your spouse doesn't live up to them they can expect not to go back to the club, at the very least."

Emily's voice was filled with pride and Rory squirmed uncomfortably, remembering the incident of Pennilyn Lott and how her grandfather had lived in the poolhouse for several months. She had been a fool to expect Emily to understand.

"Rory, I would hate for you to make a mistake," Emily said, leaning forward. "You've done so well, even after the..._Yale_ incident and even now, the ladies at the DAR adore you. You've made a sound marriage, your husband has a wonderful job and we all know what to expect next."

"Grandma –"

"Yes, I know. I won't say another word about it but please don't ruin it now. As a matter of fact, the DAR ladies are asking about you. They're simply dying for you to come back, Rory. What do you say? No one could throw a function like you."

Her grandmother was looking at her expectantly and Rory hid her face in her cup.

"I don't know about that, Grandma."

"Suit yourself," Emily said with a sniff. "Tell me, what are your plans for next week?"

"Nothing, really," Rory said, putting down the cup. "I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, but that's the only –"

"A doctor's appointment?" Emily asked sharply. "What kind of appointment?"

"It's nothing to worry about, I promise."

"I'm asking what kind of appointment it is," Emily said in frustration. Her eyes lit up. "Is it – do you think -?"

Rory stared at her and Emily explained,

"Could you be _expecting_?"

"No!" Rory exclaimed forcefully. "It's not for that!"

"Well, what is it for?"

"Just a general check-up," Rory lied, her heart pounding. "They want new members to have one when they register.

Thankfully Emily seemed satisfied with this. She nodded, drank her coffee and then suggested slyly,

"You don't know what they'll find when they check up."

"That's not possible."

"Isn't it?"

Rory's cheeks went red and she got up. It felt very disturbing for her grandmother to allude about sex, even if she was married.

"I'm going to put this away."

"The maid can do that," Emily protested but Rory put the cup on the side anyway. She caught sight of her grandmother's writing desk and wandered over to it, admiring the cream writing paper.

"I've just been catching up on my correspondence," Emily said, joining her. Rory smiled.

"Do you write a lot?"

"Usually once a fortnight. I keep in touch with women I knew in college."

"For this long?" Rory wondered out loud. "Wow. Grandma, could I have some writing paper?"

"Why, of course!" Emily exclaimed, thrilled. "Here, take a whole pack!"

"Seriously?"

"I think it's wonderful that people still write letters," Emily sad happily. "Children will forget how to write their names soon. Tell me Rory, who are you writing to?"

"Someone I knew in Stars Hollow," Rory said truthfully. Emily nodded in satisfaction. "Thanks, Grandma."

"You're very welcome. Would you like a glass of wine?"

"I should get going," Rory said, trying to sound sorry. "Logan will want dinner soon and –"

"Say no more," Emily said graciously. "You know, you should really hire a chef and maid. You may not need one just yet, but –"

"I'll think about it," Rory said, putting the paper away. "Thanks."

Emily nodded and Rory held her purse tightly to her side, feeling the weight of the paper inside.

When she got home there was no time to write. Logan was home, early again, and in his hand were two tickets.

"What are those?"

"Plane tickets, first class."

"First class for where?" Rory asked warily.

"Martha's Vineyard!" Logan exclaimed. "I know it's a little early in the season but I figure we could both use a break."

"Logan –"

"The beach house is still mine, whenever I want it," Logan said happily. "And I want it. What do you say, Ace, two weeks of just you and me?"

"Two weeks?" Rory exclaimed. "What about work?"

Logan waved a hand impatiently.

"I can work from the beach," he chuckled. "It's just what you need."

"It is?"

"You said you were feeling kind of low, so we'll get away. I got on the phone, made arrangements and we can leave next Friday."

Rory was lost for words. She stared at her husband, who looked so happy, the tickets tight in his hands, and slowly put her arms around him.

"Thank you," she whispered. The diamonds felt heavy in her ears.

"We'll start over," he said into her ear. "Just us. We'll have time just for each other. What do you think?"

Rory's stomach turned over as she said in a hushed voice,

"It sounds great."

Logan nodded, kissed her and took her purse.

"That weighs a ton – what have you got in there, rocks?"

"No, writing paper."

"_Writing paper_? It's the twenty-first century! Who are you writing to?"

"No one. Grandma gave it to me."

"Well, you won't need it," Logan said, taking it out and dumping it on the table. "You won't have time for writing letters, all your time will be with me. Sounds like a dream, right?"

"Right," Rory nodded. They went out for dinner, went to bed early and Logan fell asleep instantly but Rory lay awake, locked in her nightmare. She wondered what her husband saw when he looked at her.


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks for the feedback!**

On Monday Rory went to the doctor. She went late morning, after Logan had gone to work. She brought a book but didn't take it out of her purse and her hands clutched the leather, her palms sweating. Rory tried hard not to look at the clock. She watched five minutes tick past, her effort futile, and then her name was called and she went into the little room.

"Hello, Rory," said the doctor cheerfully. "Take a seat."

The doctor was a woman, like Jess's, with dark hair, and Rory sat opposite her. The room was painted in muted colours but the desk was decorated with family photographs, whom Rory supposed were of the doctor's children. A sign told her her name was Doctor Moran.

Doctor Moran coughed and Rory flushed, settling down on the chair.

"Sorry."

"That's okay," the doctor said pleasantly. "How can I help?"

"I've been feeling kind of low lately," Rory said awkwardly. "I thought – I was told – I thought I should talk about it."

The doctor nodded and Rory admitted,

"I feel a little stupid."

"Why?" Doctor Moran asked, looking up and Rory shrugged.

"I guess I didn't think it was that big a deal."

The doctor wrote something on her pad. Rory leaned forward, wondering what it said, but the doctor said,

"Can you tell me a little about yourself?"

"Me?" Rory asked in surprise. "Don't you have that stuff on file?"

"I have the basic information, yes, but nothing personal."

"You don't know about the boat?" Rory asked. The doctor stared, non-plussed, and Rory fumbled, "My therapist guy at Yale...never mind."

"I don't know anything about that," Doctor Moran said. "I promise."

"Oh," Rory said, feeling stupid. "Good."

There was an awkward pause. The doctor smiled at her.

"Want to start over?"

"Okay," Rory said, taking a deep breath. "Well, you know my name's Rory."

"Unusual name."

"It's short for Lorelai," Rory explained. "That's my mom's name, she named me after herself because guys always name their kids after themselves so why can't women? I think Demerol went into that decision but she says it was all feminism."

The doctor laughed and asked,

"Are you close with your mother?"

"Oh yeah. She's my best friend. She raised me all on her own – I was born in Hartford and we lived there with her parents for a year but then we moved to Stars Hollow and never went back."

"And you had a happy childhood?"

"Totally," Rory confirmed. "I mean, I was a little lonely sometimes and we didn't have much but it didn't matter. Mom was my best friend and she never told me there wasn't anything I couldn't do. I don't think I could have made it through Chilton or Yale without her, even with my grandparents' money. She was so strong. I wish I could be like her."

"You don't think you are?"

Rory shrugged.

"I've never had to raise a kid on my own, and not at sixteen like she did."

"That's not quite what I meant. You don't think you're like her in general?"

Rory shifted uncomfortably. She stared at a gold corner on one of the photoframes.

"I don't know," she said eventually. "No, I could never...Mom never let anything stand in her way. She needed a job, she got one, she needed a home, she made one. I've never been independent like that."

"You don't feel independent?"

"No, I – I used to," Rory said, surprising herself. "When I was at Chilton and starting Yale, but even then, I felt like I was trying to finish something Mom had set out. I wanted to do it, she never pressured me, but I never did anything on my own like that. I got married straight after college."

"What happened after that?"

"We moved to California. I had a couple of jobs but they didn't work out and then we moved home last month when my husband's job changed."

"What do you do in the day?"

"Nothing," Rory said shamefully. "I want to get a job and there's nothing stopping me but it's like...I feel like I failed before I've begun. I lost my last two jobs, not because I did anything wrong, but – it's like I think about applying for something and then I get scared. I'm scared I'll mess it up, or – I don't know. It's like there's a voice in the back of my head telling me there's no point."

Rory took a breath as the doctor scribbled more down on her pad.

"It sounds like you're a little anxious," she said, looking up at Rory.

"I guess."

"Do you have any hobbies?"

"No," Rory said honestly. "I've never had a hobby, not unless you count making gum wrapper necklaces as a kid. I used to read all the time."

"You don't now?"

"I want to," Rory said slowly. "But when I try my mind feels fuzzy. I can't concentrate. I can't finish the page...I did read a book the other day, from a friend. I felt normal again."

"Normal?"

"I used to read a book every day. I couldn't go anywhere without one. I haven't looked at half the books I've unpacked."

"And you feel unhappy?"

Rory looked at the doctor in the eye.

"Yes."

"How unhappy, on a scale of one to ten? On a regular day?"

"I guess...seven," Rory said thoughtfully. "Around that. It feels worse on some days and better on others."

Doctor Moran put down her pen and looked at her.

"Rory, it sounds like you're mildly depressed."

"What?" Rory exclaimed, sitting up. "I can't be."

She stared at the doctor in disbelief. Despite her mother and friends' words, the possibility of depression had seemed an exaggeration, something that couldn't really happen to her.

"Why can't you be?" the doctor asked reasonably. "It happens to lots of people."

"Because I – nothing terrible's happened," Rory flailed. "No one's died or got sick, my husband said –"

"Rory, you don't have to experience something tragic to be depressed. It's normal."

"I don't feel very normal," Rory said miserably. The doctor smiled gently.

"It happens to thousands of people. It's not entirely surprising – a big move, feeling isolated, disappointment at work."

Rory stared at her and Doctor Moran said,

"I'd like to see you again next week."

"I can't," Rory said, slightly relieved. "I'm going away with my husband for two weeks."

"After that then. Maybe a break will help."

"I hope."

"Alright then. Let's talk about treatment..."

Rory left ten minutes later, her head spinning. _ Depression_. She had depression. Not severely but enough for the doctor to give her a bundle of leaflets on which way to treat it, including information about pills she suggested Rory to take. Her arm still felt sore from the blood pressure pump and Rory blinked in the sudden sun, dazzling her eyes. The chime of the clock in the square struck one and Rory almost laughed. She'd been given this bombshell and it was still time for lunch. She drove over to a little café and bought a Panini.

Rory ate her lunch slowly and took out her cellphone. She felt that she should call her mother, tell her how the appointment had been, but Lorelai would want to know what she'd been asked. She wouldn't insist but remembering the questions about her and her childhood made Rory uncomfortable. She put the phone down. She could call Logan but didn't feel like talking to him and the way she knew he would laugh it off. The person she really wanted to talk to was Jess and, after some hesitation, she diallied his number. It rang a few times and someone picked it up.

"Jess's phone."

"Oh, hi," Rory said, surprised. "Who's this?"

"Matthew."

"Jess isn't there?"

"He's in a meeting," Matthew said. "Want me to take a message?"

"Oh – no, it's okay."

"What's your name? I'll tell Jess you called. He'll call you back."

"It's okay," Rory said fiercely. "Don't tell him – it doesn't matter. Thanks. Bye."

"Wait –"

Rory hung up. She looked at the phone nervously, in case Matthew called back, but it stayed silent. She finished her food, picked up her purse and drove home. She would leave for Nantucket in four days.

When she got back her cellphone started ringing. It was Jess.

"Did you call me?"

"How did you know I called you?" Rory asked stiffly. "I didn't leave a message."

"Matthew said some, I quote, _chick_ called. I checked my phone and it was you."

Rory was silent.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"Nice going, Sherlock."

"Rory."

Rory shut her eyes and sighed.

"I just wanted to see how you were," she said. "I wanted to – it doesn't matter."

"Why didn't you leave a message?"

"Because there wasn't any point! You're in Philadelphia."

There was a beat. Rory pictured Jess rubbing a hand across his face.

"I'm sorry I left," he said. "I didn't want to, I didn't have a choice, it was work –"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does," Jess insisted. "Did you get my letter?"

"Yes," Rory said quietly. They both waited and Rory burst out, "Why did you kiss me?"

"I'm sorry –"

"I know you're sorry!" Rory said angrily. "I want to know why!"

"I just – I don't know," Jess said quietly. "I didn't plan on it."

"It's ruined everything!" Rory cried. "Even if Logan hadn't found out – you changed it."

"I screwed up," Jess said quietly. "If I could take it back –"

"Well, you can't," Rory said harshly. "It's done."

"I know. I'm a jerk."

Rory squeezed her eyes together.

"You're not a jerk," she said eventually. "That's not why I called."

"Why did you call?"

"I called because...I went to the doctor," Rory said. "I got some advice."

"Rory, that's – I'm really proud of you."

"Why?"

"It's not easy, saying you need help."

"No," Rory said quietly. "But it felt easier talking to her than someone I know."

"Life's like that."

Rory wound a lock of hair around her finger, staring at it until Jess eventually said,

"I'm back in ten days. I'll get it if you don't want to see me, but –"

"I'm going to Nantucket," Rory said, cutting him off. "Logan and I are away for two weeks."

"After that?"

"I don't know, Jess," Rory said honestly. "I need to think."

"Okay," Jess said quietly. They fell silent and, to stop it feeling awkward, Rory asked,

"How's Philadelphia?"

"It's okay," Jess said, falsely bright. "Kind of good to be back at the Truncheon."

"Yeah? Have you touched the Liberty Bell?"

"Have I -?" Jess stopped and started laughing. "Why would I touch the Liberty Bell?"

"It sounds like a cool thing to do."

"You're not allowed to do that anymore."

"Oh," Rory said, deflated. "Would you if you could?"

"I can't say it's on my list of priorities," Jess chuckled. "But I'll keep it in mind."

"Good to know."

Rory grinned. It was almost as if the kiss hadn't happened, their conversation friendly and at ease.

"Rory, I've got to go," Jess said apologetically. "My break's up and –"

"Sure," Rory said quickly. "Well...I'll talk to you when I'm back."

"Good," Jess said. "And Rory, I really am glad you got that appointment. It was a smart thing to do."

"You think?"

"I know. See you, Rory."

"See you, Jess."

Rory hung up the phone and sat still, holding the phone in her lap. Her anxiety and confliction about her appointment didn't seem so near and she was still smiling when Logan came home some hours later.

"Hey, Ace," he said cheerfully, kissing the top of her head. "What's for dinner?"

"I haven't decided yet," Rory said, her happiness dissolving. "Logan, I want to talk to you about something."

"Shoot."

Her husband kicked off his shoes and fell into a chair. Rory swallowed and stood beside him.

"I went to the doctor earlier," she started to say. Logan stared and sat up.

"What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm not sick – not like that anyway and I'm not pregnant," Rory said, seeing his next question. He frowned.

"What is it then?"

"I've been feeling unhappy lately," Rory said seriously. "So I went to the doctor. She thinks I'm mildly depressed."

"What?"

"Yeah, it was a surprise to me too."

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't know exactly, but –"

"You're sad all the time?"

"Well, not all the time, but –"

"Rory, don't worry about it," Logan said confidently. "We'll be on Martha's Vineyard soon and that'll make you happy."

"Logan, I don't think it's that simple."

"Sure it is," her husband said blithely. "You've just got the blues because of the move. Once we're away from here it'll be fine again. You don't need a doctor."

"Logan, it's more than that."

"You feel that way because I'm not here much and you're lonely," Logan said simply. "Once we're on the island it'll be like old times. Aren't you looking forward to it?"

"Yes, but –"

"And I forgive you for the Jake thing," Logan said, kissing her. "I know it didn't mean anything, you don't really care about each other. You just need some friends. You'll make them at the club."

"That's not –"

"Relax," Logan said, getting up. "Here, I'll take you out for dinner, give you a night off, what do you say?"

"It sounds great," Rory said helplessly. "But Logan –"

"We'll fix this funk in no time," Logan said cheerfully. "Grab your jacket."

Rory did so, saying quietly,

"His name's Jess."

Logan didn't hear. He was whistling as he walked down the stairs and Rory whispered to herself,

"His name's _Jess."_ Her mind stayed with him in Philadelphia all through the night.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The rest of the week passed quickly and Rory said nothing more about her appointment. On Friday they packed to go, Logan irritable about getting in early for the gate.

"You know, we could have just driven," Rory said, running out of patience. "It's only in Massachusetts!"

"This way is quicker," Logan replied. "We don't have to face any traffic and we don't have to take the ferry. Takes hours off the trip."

"Not really, we have to get to the airport and –"

"Rory, I'd rather sit comfortably and relax with someone bringing drinks to me," Logan snapped. "It's my money and I chose to fly."

"It's _our_ money!"

"I'm the one earning it," Logan said bluntly. "Look, you'll know I'm right once we're up in the air and relaxing. Who'd choose traffic in summer over that?"

Rory shrugged and fell silent. Logan slung his bag over his shoulder.

"I'll go start the car. Coming?"

"Just need to get my book."

Rory waited for him to leave and then hurried over to the cabinet. She had put the writing paper in there after Logan had taken it and she quickly slipped it into her purse. She hesitated, grabbed the novel she was trying to read and jumped as Logan shouted,

"Ace, let's go!"

They were on Nantucket a few hours later. Logan unlocked the door to the beach house and grinned, kissing Rory.

"It's like we've never been away."

Rory didn't know about that. She and Logan had only vacationed there once since their marriage and that was almost a year ago. She walked slowly into the house, running her hand across the surfaces of the wooden bookcase and fabric of the couch. It somehow looked different every time they came though nothing ever changed. It was waiting for them and nobody else and Rory felt a little sad at the thought of it locked up for so many months of the year.

"Ace?"

Rory jumped.

"Sorry."

"What do you want to do?" Logan asked, slinging their bags down near Rory's feet. "Hit the beach?"

"I think we should unpack."

"Right now? We just got here."

"Exactly, it gets it out of the way. We'll be tired later and end up living out of a suitcase for two weeks."

Logan looked at her and started laughing.

"What?" Rory snapped.

"You're so proper."

Rory didn't reply but she picked up the bags, took them into the bedroom and was irritably reminded of her old nickname _Mary._ She unpacked her bag in silence.

Logan unpacked beside her in a much more haphazard manner. He threw clothes into the drawers without bothering to fold them and fell onto the bed on his back, making it shake. He grinned at Rory who was folding the last of her dresses.

"You done yet?"

"Almost?"

"Good, come down here with me."

Rory smiled but didn't do so. Instead she put away the last of her clothes and slid the suitcase under the bed. Logan sat up and took her arm.

"Logan –"

"What is it?" he asked, kissing her wrist. "We haven't been back here for a while. We haven't used this bed for a while."

"Logan, I'm not in the mood," Rory said, retrieving her hand. "I'm tired."

"We don't have to go wild."

Rory sighed and shook her head.

"I'm getting a headache."

Logan lay back down, looking disappointed.

"Okay. Never mind."

"It's not – Logan, I'm tired from the journey. I need some air. Could we just go for a walk or something?"

"I don't want to go for a walk."

He looked at his wife, almost glaring but Rory didn't apologise.

"Fine. I'll go by myself."

Rory waited but Logan didn't say anything so she picked up the keys, stuck them in her pocket and walked out.

It felt good being by the ocean again and Rory closed her eyes, taking in deep lungfuls of air. She walked along the stretch of sand and was surprised that there weren't any families. Perhaps it was school or the fact that it was early evening but Rory had the beach to herself. She thought about her appointment, what the doctor had said and what Jess had said. Rory wondered what he was doing now. She pictured him working, placing books on a shelf and smiled. Thoughts turned to that of her kiss and Rory's smile faded. She shook the image from her mind and stepped up the pace. Rory walked and walked until her legs began to tire and stopped at the sudden pinkish tint in the sky. She looked down at her watch, which she always wore on vacation, and stared at the time. She'd been gone for nearly two hours and Rory instantly turned around and ran back, almost tripping in the mounds of sand, and hoping Logan wouldn't be mad.

"Hey!" Rory called, panting as she unlocked the front door and burst into the beach house. "I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time and forgot to pick something up for dinner!"

There was no reply. Rory walked up the steps to the bedroom and tentatively opened the door.

"Logan?"

Her husband was fast asleep, his face crumpled into the pillow. He had got under the covers though he was still fully dressed and Rory smiled, picking up a blanket from the bottom of the bed.

"Eesa!"

Rory froze, about to place the blanket over him.

"Eesa," Logan moaned. "God, Eesa."

"Eesa?" Rory echoed out loud. "Who's Eesa?"

She slowly placed the blanket over her husband but Logan woke up.

"Rory?"

"Hey," Rory said with a small laugh. "Who's Eesa?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You were saying something in your sleep...something like _Eesa_."

"I was dreaming," Logan said sleepily, sitting up slightly and pushing the blanket away. "Sorry."

"It's okay."

"You went for a walk," Logan said, not sounding entirely awake. "How long have you been back?"

"Not long. I forgot about dinner. I'm sorry."

Logan smiled and pulled Rory down onto the bed with him. He kissed her, his mouth warm with sleep, and pressed her body onto his. He already had an erection.

"Logan –"

"I missed you."

"I was only gone a few hours."

"Keep kissing me," Logan whispered, shifting so he was lying on top of her and slipping a hand inside her shirt. Rory obeyed. Dinner would wait and she closed her eyes.

The first week of their vacation passed pleasantly, if slowly. They spent their days on the beach, Logan with his cellphone and laptop so he could work and Rory with the book she couldn't read. Try as she might, she could never get past the first chapter and she sighed, lying on her back and closing her eyes, not asleep and not awake. She took to taking long walks along the strand in the early evening, when Logan would work inside the house and before he wanted dinner. She would usually go out for an hour and today, as she neared the house on her return, Rory stopped and sat in a sand dune. She didn't want to go back. She should be enjoying the vacation yet in some ways she would sooner be in Hartford. Logan was there, all the time, only he wasn't, he was on his cellphone or laptop and even when he finished for the day it was almost as though he wasn't talking to her. He would ask Rory how her walk had been, what she was going to cook for dinner, and what time she wanted to go to bed. Rory knew he was trying to be nice, treating her by taking her away but she still felt the shadow of sadness which had hung over her before and hugged her knees in the dune. She wished she could stay there all night.

A group of children suddenly ran down to the water's edge, screaming with excitement, bucket and spade in hand. Rory heard the call of whom she guessed was their mother, telling them not to go too far, and the three settled down at the very end of the sand, starting the business of making a sandcastle. Rory stood up, knowing it was time to go back, but she looked at them a little longer. There were two girls and a boy. She closed her arms and then opened them in surprise as she felt a pair of arms envelope her.

"That could be us," Rory heard Logan murmur. "Couldn't it?"

Rory didn't say anything and he said,

"We could have a kid just like that. That could be our son."

"Logan –"

"Or a girl," Logan grinned, turning so he was looking at her. "I know you want a girl."

Rory smiled and shook her head.

"I wouldn't mind what we had."

"It's okay, I know you want a girl. Not that you'd love a boy less which is good, because I want a boy."

"Logan, stop it," Rory said, looking away from the children. "We've talked about this. I don't want a kid, boy or girl. Not now."

"Why not?"

"It's not the right time."

"It's the perfect time!" Logan exclaimed. "We're young, we've got money, we could buy him the best of everything. Or her," he added, grinning at Rory. "The three of us here every year building a sandcastle like those kids. Only it would be our kid. It would be perfect."

"Logan –"

"Is this about the depression thing?" Logan asked, taking her hands. "Look, I'm sorry if I didn't take it seriously. We'll get you back on track."

"It's not as simple as –"

"I'll send you to the best doctors," Logan said. "I'll get you the best help. It won't stop us. You'd be the best mom, Rory. Who knows, maybe –"

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe the reason you're down is because you don't have a lot to do. You'd have a lot to do with a baby."

Rory stared at him and Logan shifted, guessing that he had said the wrong thing.

"But if you don't want a kid right now we don't have to," he said, cupping her cheek in his hand. "Like I said, we're young. We've got all the time in the world."

"Yes," Rory echoed sadly. "All the time we need."

They walked back to the house, the children's laughter ringing behind them.

Two days before they were due to go back Logan got a phonecall. He got dressed in the smartest clothes he'd worn, zipped up his laptop and told his confused wife,

"That's the office, I've got to go into Massachusetts for the day."

"What?" Rory exclaimed. "But we're on vacation!"

"I'm sorry Ace – it's a big meeting and if I go now I can catch the ferry."

"Can't they do it without you?"

"They could but it would be better if I was there," Logan said, closing her question with a kiss. "And seeing as I can get there..."

"Right," Rory said unhappily. He kissed her again.

"It's only one day, Ace. I'll be back by six."

Rory nodded, he winked at her, picked up his laptop and left, closing the door with a bang.

Rory walked around the house, hugging herself. It felt strange being there alone. Well, she decided firmly, she wasn't going to sit inside all day. She wouldn't mope. Rory grabbed the keys and went out.

Rory spent most of the day exploring the Vineyard, going to all the places Logan had always said were too boring to see. Rory spent the morning at a museum and arboretum before stopping for lunch which she ate overlooking the beach. She found a new part of the coastline she'd never seen before, took some photos to show Lorelai and finally headed back mid-afternoon. It was still early but it was starting to cloud and she didn't want to get caught in the rain. Fat drops were starting to hit her head just as she got back inside and Rory leaned against the door, feeling triumphant.

Her happiness soon dwindled as she walked into the house. Logan was still going to be out for three hours and Rory wondered what to do with herself. It was peaceful, being there alone, even if it was a little odd. Rory didn't think she had ever been there by herself and slowly she walked around the living room. The house always seemed different whenever she came back but the smell was the same, old furniture, sea and sand, a scent which the Huntzbergers could never get rid of despite their best efforts. Rory closed her eyes and breathed it in. She felt a protective kind of pride that they couldn't. She opened her eyes and looked around the room, remembering, suddenly, the weekend she had come here with Luke and Lorelai for Valentine's Day and how her mother had found in her a sudden burst of domesticity, chopping food for dinner. _You know,_ Rory remembered saying, _they could be the ones_. She had been so happy and sure. Rory could almost see her younger self in front of her, filled with happiness at the thought of Logan in her future. It had only been four years ago yet somehow seemed much more.

Rory's eyes wandered over to the bookcase and she bent down to look at the titles. It was a somewhat miscellaneous collection. There were several children's books, which Rory assumed were from Logan and Honor's childhood and Rory tried to imagine Logan reading one to the child he wanted to come. The picture didn't seem real, plausible, and Rory moved to the rest of the books. There were some cheap looking romances, which Rory supposed were Shira's, and some thrillers. There was nothing that she really wanted to read but as she straightened up Rory caught sight of _Moby Dick_. Her face spread into a smile. _Moby Dick,_ her first Melville, the book, she remembered, she'd been reading when she and Dean had met. The relationship wasn't a terribly fond memory but the book was and Rory took it out, curled into a chair and began to read.

Rory woke with a start some time later. A glance at her watch showed it was only half an hour later but the sky was black and the house was dark, the rain splattering the warped French doors. Rory got out of the chair, feeling a little spooked, and against her better judgement ghost stories she had absorbed over the years filled her mind. The house was old and full of noises and Rory jumped at a creak and then again at a scratch in the window. She told herself sternly to stop being stupid, that the noise was only Stan the raccoon, but she couldn't relax, couldn't read again and in the end she marched into the bedroom, deciding to tidy Logan's mess to take her mind off it. The mess was minimal and, after tidying some clothes away, Rory's eyes caught sight of the edge of her suitcase. She remembered what was left inside, what she had hidden when Logan wasn't looking.

Looking around, in case Logan had suddenly come back, Rory slowly opened it and retrieved the writing paper. She had brought it on a whim, not planning on actually using it, but now she was alone she tiptoed back downstairs with it tight in her arms. She put it on the old writing table in the corner, found a fountain pen on the bookcase and settled down to write.

Rory held the pen to paper and hesitated. She couldn't remember the last time she had written a letter. Memory decided it had been the summer in Washington and Rory was acutely aware of sitting in the exact same position, writing to the exact same person, many years before. She shifted uncomfortably in the chair.

_Dear Jess,_

_It's Rory. I'm guessing you know that too but probably best I put my name in case. Wouldn't want you to read this and feel completely confused._

Rory cringed. It sounded like a bad joke but she didn't want to get a fresh sheet. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

_I don't know who else you'd get a letter from, though. No one writes letters anymore. I sound like my grandma but it's kind of a shame. I remember, when we were kids, Lane and I got obsessed with writing to each other. We only lived minutes away but we were so jealous of kids who got letters (I had some penpal from a magazine once but she quit replying pretty quickly) that we decided we'd write to each other. We acted like we hadn't seen each other in weeks and would write these long descriptions of school and home and how our mornings had been, like we hadn't been there together for half of it, and then run up to each other and read the letter to each other. We would watch the mailman deliver the letters from our windows and grin at each other. The mail guy even offered to deliver them without stamps, which I think may be illegal, because even he thought it was stupid but we said it was more official that way. In the end Mrs Kim banned it, she said it was wastefulness. We wrote notes for a while anyway, delivering them by hand, but in the end we grew out of it. It was fun though. I kept most of them._

Rory read it back and blushed. She hadn't planned on writing some story about her and Lane which Jess probably didn't care about but it was too late now. She understood what Jess meant about the positives of email. She couldn't delete what seemed dull.

_I'm in Nantucket, like I told you. We're going home in a couple of days. Logan's been in Massachusetts today for work, despite being on vacation, so I've spent the day exploring. It was kind of fun in a way. I think you'd like it. Logan hates all that. He's worked most of the time anyway and I've been spending the days on the beach. We've been lucky with the weather._

Rory cringed again. What was wrong with her? The letter was turning out like a boring family story and postcard. If she'd been at the paper she would have yelled at herself for bad writing and, as it was, she picked up the pen and tried again.

_I'm looking forward to going back. Time doesn't seem real here or, if I'm honest, for the past several months. Sometimes it feels like I'm floating or in amber...it's hard to describe and I don't want to use tired clichés. I'm sure my doctor would be interested to hear. She wants me to come back when I get home. She was asking all about my childhood before and about Mom. I don't know what I said meant anything but she seemed interested. Do all therapists ask that kind of stuff? I I've got to say, I was surprised when you told me about seeing that doctor, even if it was unofficial. I never imagined you doing that but I don't mean it as a bad thing. I'm proud of you too, Jess. I feel weird going to see someone but better for it. I told Logan and he thinks I can get over it by making some friends. I wanted to ask why he was taking you away then, but he wants me to have friends from his world. I guess I'm part of it too but sometimes, a lot of the time, I feel like a visitor. I'm married and in my twenties but a lot of the time I just feel like Rory Gimore, the kid from Stars Hollow, who got into Chilton with her grandparents' help. Not a real part of it._

_Grandma reminded me of that the other day, that I'm still seeing things the old way. She said marriage was about compromise when I said Logan didn't want me to see you (I didn't tell her your name, of course – she still thinks of you as that thug who came to dinner). I'm confused, Jess. I don't want to compromise myself and lose our friendship but I don't want to feel like I'm hurting and betraying my husband. You kissed me. You didn't plan on it but you did. Nothing can change that and nothing can change the fact that, as you kissed me, I liked it, though I can't explain why. I love Logan but I can't talk to him. When I try to he laughs at me, makes a joke. I know he loves me but he doesn't listen to me. You listen to me, Jess. You've always taken me seriously. I miss that. I miss someone respecting to me, hearing me out and not fixing it with a country club membership. I miss you completely._

_Jess, I want to see you again but this is freaking me out a little. I'm married to someone else. I can't feel these things, it's wrong. I think we should take time apart but I can't stand the idea of never seeing you again. I don't know what to do. I need some time to figure it out._

_I should go. Logan will be back soon and I need to cook dinner (no, I haven't poisoned him yet)._

_I miss you,_

_Rory._

Rory hesitated and finally completed the letter with _xxx. _She slowly folded the letter, put it in an envelope and wrote _Jess _on it. She realised she'd left the letter with Jess's return address on it in Hartford but it didn't matter. She couldn't imagine sending it. She put the letter in her novel, hid it in her bag and looked out of the window. The sky was grimacing and Rory waited for her husband to return.


	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks for the feedback!**

The day after they got back Rory went to see Lorelai. Her mother came running out to see her, Paul Anka at her heels, and hugged Rory hard.

"You're back! You look tan."

"How can I look tan?" Rory laughed. "I didn't even wear a bathing suit. You know how easily I burn. I wore a ton of sunscreen."

"You still have a healthy glow," Lorelai decided, putting her arm around Rory and leading her into the house. "As my mother would say!"

They settled down at the table with a cup of coffee, Paul Anka between them.

"So," Lorelai smiled. "Tell me all about it."

Rory shrugged.

"There isn't a whole lot to tell."

"You were on Martha's Vineyard! There's a ton of stuff to do out there!"

"We didn't leave the beach house that much."

"Why not?" Lorelai exclaimed and then blushed. "Or do I not want to know why not?"

"Mom! Not that, Logan was working. We sat on the beach outside while he worked on his laptop."

"What did you do?"

"I read," Rory said. "Or I tried to, anyway."

"Sounds..."

"Boring?"

Lorelai laughed.

"I was going for relaxing, but –"

"I guess it was a little. I went out one day though – Logan had to go into Massachusetts and I explored the Vineyard a little. Here, I took some photos for you."

Rory got her phone out and showed Lorelai the pictures of the coastline. Her mother admired them and asked,

"Why did Logan have to go into Massachusetts?"

"Work."

"You were on vacation!"

"It was something he couldn't get out of," Rory shrugged. Lorelai nodded, looking uneasy, but merely asked,

"Did you have a bad time?"

"No," Rory said thoughtfully. "It was fine."

She sipped her coffee and Lorelai nudged her.

"But not great?"

"I'm kind of glad to be back," Rory admitted. "I was there with Logan all the time."

"He was annoying you?"

"No – yes – it was weird, Mom," Rory said, putting the cup down. "He was there but he was working the whole time. It was like he wasn't there but then when went into Massachusetts for the day I felt like I could relax."

"You weren't relaxed before?"

"I didn't have any time to myself," Rory explained. "Only when I went for walks in the evening and even then I'd be thinking about we should eat for dinner. And it still felt weird after the Jess thing."

Lorelai looked at her, lips pursed with a frown on her face.

"The Jess thing?" she echoed. "You mean when you told him about breakfast, he's still mad about that?"

Rory blushed and Lorelai's mouth fell open.

"Logan found out, didn't he?"

"Don't say_ I told you so_," Rory warned, her voice shaking. "Just don't."

"Okay, but – oh Rory, what is it?" Lorelai stopped, mid-tease as she saw her daughter's face. "What happened?"

"Logan flipped out and told me never to see him again."

"What?"

"Yeah."

"Did you explain it was all innocent?"

"He didn't want to hear it," Rory said miserably. She wanted to tell Lorelai about the kiss but couldn't face the onslaught on questions, or possible threats to hit Jess for kissing her very married daughter. Lorelai sighed.

"What did you say?"

"I told him he couldn't tell me who I could be friends with and he went out and got drunk."

Lorelai winced.

"I get why he's jealous," she said honestly. "But he can't decide that."

"You don't think?"

"He should trust you," Lorelai said, sounding troubled. "Did you make up?"

"I guess...we went away together. We didn't say anything else about it. I don't know, Mom," Rory said wearily. "I don't know what to do. Grandma said marriage was compromise and I don't want to hurt Logan –"

"You're seriously taking Emily's opinion?"

"She has a pretty strong marriage."

"Yeah, but she also thinks serving tea in the wrong cups makes you a leper," Lorelai said, making Rory laugh. "Sweetie, you haven't done anything wrong. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Rory said quietly. "I don't know."

Lorelai nodded and Rory caught sight of the clock over the mantel.

"Mom, I've got to go, I've got my doctor's appointment in less than an hour."

"That's today?" Lorelai exclaimed. "You didn't tell me!"

"I told you about the first one last week!"

"Not about this!" Lorelai retorted as Rory got her purse. Rory slid on her jacket and Lorelai stopped her, giving her a hug.

"I am really proud that you went to talk to someone," she said gently. "You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know," Rory smiled and she looked away as Lorelai said,

"I'd like to hear more about it."

"I'll tell you later," Rory said vaguely, as she hurried to her car. "I've got to run!"

Lorelai waved and waved as she drove away. Rory hadn't told her the full details, just that she had gone. To her relief she hadn't had time to tell the full story and Rory watched her mother shrink in the mirror.

The appointment felt much the same as the last. Rory sat in the chair besides Doctor Moran's desk and again she asked her,

"I'd like to hear some more about you."

"Like what?"

"Anything," the doctor said pleasantly. "Your school life, Yale. Maybe that boat incident you were so elusive about."

Rory's cheeks coloured and the doctor added,

"Not if you don't want. We can talk about anything."

"It was a really, really bad thing that I did," Rory said, speaking into her lap. "The worst."

"Do you mean the boat?"

"All of it – the whole year."

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

Rory exhaled and looked up.

"I don't know where it started," she said unhappily. "I was unhappy."

"Unhappy just that night?"

"Yes – no – I mean, I was more unhappy then but I'd been unhappy for a while."

"How so?"

"My first year of Yale wasn't how I planned."

"College can be overwehelming," the doctor said knowingly. Rory shook her head.

"It was lonely. It was hard too, but it was lonely. I'd never felt that way before."

The doctor looked at her, waiting for her to carry on and Rory laughed bitterly.

"And I was only in New Haven, I didn't even leave the state."

"How were you lonely?"

"I didn't know anyone," Rory said, before shaking her head. "Actually, I roomed with someone I went to Chilton with – we're still friends – but I didn't know anyone from home. I lived in Stars Hollow practically my whole life and I missed it so much. I missed my mom, I missed her like crazy. She was so busy that year, she was starting her inn, and I was busy with work and and I missed her just being there. I had so much studying but I just missed her being around and to talk to if I felt stressed. My best friend lived with me for a couple of weeks but then she had to go too and I...I felt really alone," she finished, feeling awkward, but the doctor nodded.

"It's very common."

"I had to drop a class," Rory said, the memory hurting as she said it. "I had to drop a class and I felt a total failure."

"That's common too."

"Right, but..." Rory slowed down, trying to formulate the words. "Most people talk about it with their friends. My best friends weren't there except for Paris, and she's – she's not a friend I can talk about failure with. I wound up crying on my ex-boyfriend's shoulder."

The doctor looked at her, slightly confused and Rory added,

"My _married_ ex-boyfriend."

"I see."

"And...and I didn't plan it but I slept with him," Rory confessed. "I slept with him at the end of the year, when he was still married. That was my first time."

She stared at the doctor, wondering if she would reprobate her, but Doctor Moran said,

"I'm here to listen, not judge, Rory. None of this will leave the room."

"I did it again," Rory said, taking a breath. "When I knew he was still married, when I knew it was wrong. I stayed with him, even when I knew how disappointed my mom was."

"Why do you think you stayed with him?"

"Because..." Rory stopped thoughtfully. "He was always so reliable, so safe. He was my Dean. That was his name."

"Was he your first boyfriend?"

"Yes. Before I met Dean, I'd never even kissed a boy."

"How old were you?"

"Sixteen. We were together two years."

"That's a long time, for a teenager," the doctor said, putting her pen down. "Why did you break up?"

"We broke up more than once."

"What happened each time?"

"The first time, he told me he loved me and I couldn't say it back," Rory told her. "I was sixteen and it was a really big deal."

"It is a really big deal."

"He thought – I don't know what he thought," Rory said miserably. "I guess he didn't want to be with someone who didn't feel the same way."

"It's a lot to expect from a sixteen-year-old, or from anyone, for that matter."

"He didn't see it that way. We made up a few months later, anyway. I figured out I loved him and we got back together."

"Then what happened?"

"Jess came to town."

"Who's Jess?"

"Jess is –" Rory paused. "He was my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend after Dean?"

"That's why we broke up."

"What happened exactly?"

"He's the nephew of my mom's friend Luke," Rory said. "We've known him for years. She went out with him, but it was after that. He took Jess in because he was having trouble at home and we made friends. Dean got jealous and split up with me."

"Did you cheat on him?"

"I kissed him, so I guess. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. I never told Dean. I never meant to hurt him."

Rory bit her lip. History suddenly felt horribly fresh in her mind.

"Why did you stay with him?"

"I...he loved me," Rory said. "I loved him, or I thought I did. Everyone loved him, my mother...he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt guilty that I didn't."

"How did he know?"

"He didn't know about the kiss but he could tell we had feelings for each other so he dumped me, right in front of everyone."

"That must have hurt."

"It did but...but I was with Jess after that," Rory said thoughtfully. "And it didn't hurt as badly as the first time we split up."

"What was your relationship with Jess like?"

"Different," Rory said, after a pause. "It was different."

"In what way?"

"With Dean, it was predictable," Rory said. "We made plans, we'd hang out with my mom and it...it felt safe."

"And you felt unsafe with Jess?"

"No," Rory said, frowning. "I didn't feel unsafe, but I felt different. It was all different. We did things on the spur of the moment, like going to concerts, or we'd stay in and watch a movie but it felt exciting. I felt excited with him and we'd argue about books and music and it was just...it was different, but in a really good way."

"Why did that relationship end?"

"He left," Rory said shortly. "He took off – he had a lot of stuff going on at home and he went to see his dad in California. He never told me."

"Were you upset?"

"Of course I was upset!" Rory exclaimed, staring at her. "I...I mean, I guess we were young and wouldn't have made it but it hurt. It hurt that he couldn't talk to me. It hurt that I didn't know, that he didn't want me to. It was right as I graduated high school and I called him. He kept calling me without saying anything so I called him. I told him I wasn't going to pine, that I would move on."

"And did you?"

"I tried. He came back. He came back in winter, told me he loved me and drove off, and then just as I finished my first year he asked me to run away with him. He said he loved me and we should leave."

"What did you say?"

"I said no," Rory said. "It was too crazy, it was too much and he left. That was right before...I slept with Dean a few nights later."

"Do you think it was because of that?"

Rory stared at her. She felt as if someone had hit her in the chest.

"What?"

"Well," the doctor said, looking at her. "You'd had a lot of emotional turmoil that year. Your first boyfriend, who insisted you love him since you were sixteen, split up with you because of him. You had a new and exciting relationship with this boy who left, without a word, and then comes back asking you to take off with him. You said Dean was safe and reliable, that your first year was lonely and strange. Do you think sleeping with him was a way of trying to get that back?"

Rory tried to say something but her mouth seemed to have dried up.

"I don't know," she said eventually. "But when we tried again, it didn't work out. It wasn't the same."

"How so?"

"I was older. I had Yale and he was still working but – he said he wasn't part of my world anymore. I didn't feel like I used to with him. It felt like we were trying to love each other."

"It sounds like you wanted to go back to when you were sixteen - before his marriage and before you grew up."

"I guess."

The doctor scribbled something down but before Rory could ask what it was she asked,

"Who was your next relationship with?"

"My husband, though I wasn't married to him then. God, I'd faint if someone said I'd marry him," Rory said honestly. "It wasn't ever supposed to be serious."

"How did you meet your husband?"

"Logan. He was at Yale with me," Rory told her. "He was the son of Mitchum Huntzberger...this very wealthy, handsome guy – Logan, not his dad," she added hastily. "I worked on the paper with him."

"How did that relationship start?"

"It wasn't a relationship at first," Rory admitted. "I knew he was a casual guy and I decided I wanted something casual too. It was right after Dean broke up with me and I was...I'd always been part of something serious. I wanted something which wasn't."

"Something without heartbreak."

"I guess. I wanted something fun. So...we did, for a while, but it didn't work for me. I told Logan I was the kind of girl who needed a boyfriend and Logan said he'd be that guy for me. We were pretty happy and then..."

Rory's voice trailed off and the doctor nudged,

"Then what?"

"I interned for his father," she said. "At his paper. I was so confident, I thought I was doing so well and then his dad told me I didn't have it. He said I'd never make it as a journalist."

"That's pretty harsh."

"I felt terrible," Rory said honestly. "Worse than when I dropped a class. I went to see Logan, at his sister's party at the dock and..." she paused and looked up at the doctor. "The boat incident."

"What happened?"

"I stole a boat," Rory admitted, shame-faced. "I needed to do something reckless and dumb and I did that and I got arrested and then...then it just all fell apart. I felt like the worst kind of failure. I took time off Yale and my mother and I fought. We didn't talk for six months."

"That must have been hard, if she's your best friend."

"It was," Rory said quietly. "And I was too stubborn to admit it. I moved in with my grandparents and joined the DAR. I told myself I needed the time but I was scared."

"What did Logan say to all this?"

"He –" Rory stopped and frowned. "He told me I should go back but he never insisted on it. He thought it was funny. When I had to go to court he threw me a party with people dressed as prisoners. I think he liked the partying side to me, I don't know. When I said I should go back he told me it was temporary and when Jess showed we fought. Or broke up, according to him."

"Jess?" The doctor echoed. "Your old boyfriend?"

"Yes. He came to see me. Logan wasn't supposed to be there but he got home early and we went for drinks. He was awful to Jess and yelled at me, like I'd cheated, and when I said I was worried about all the things Jess said he said it was my choice. He left me at the bar."

"What did Jess say to you?"

Rory was feeling worse and worse. She wished she could call a halt, stop the trip down memory lane.

"He asked me what was wrong with me, why I was wasting my time, my mind. He asked me why I was with a jerk like Logan and what had happened to me. I couldn't even say anything back."

"Do you think he was right?"

"He was about wasting my time. I re-enrolled. I got back on track."

"You stayed with Logan," the doctor said. "What happened there? You said you split up for a while?"

"A little while. He cheated – he slept with some other women," Rory clarified. "He said it didn't count because he thought we'd split up. I thought it was just a fight. I was really hurt."

"You forgave him."

"He told me he loved me," Rory said. "He hurt himself, pulling some stunt, and I was so worried – I loved him so much and I knew that whatever had happened I loved him. I wanted to stay with him."

The doctor nodded and Rory decided not to tell her about Philadelphia. She didn't want to open that can of worms.

"So you got married."

"Right after I graduated."

"You got married very young."

"I guess," Rory said cautiously. "My friend Lane was younger."

"Why did you decide to get married?"

"I wasn't sure what I was going to do after graduation," Rory explained. "I never factored in marriage but Logan loved me, I loved him and I thought it could be the start of our life together. I wanted to stay with him forever."

"And you've been married for -?"

"Two years."

"Do you have a happy marriage?"

"I –" Rory stopped herself. "I love my husband."

"That's not the question, Rory. Are you happy?"

Rory wanted to tell her she was, that she was always happy she'd married Logan but the words wouldn't come.

"I was happy," she said thoughtfully. "I was _so_ happy, the first year, the first six months. It was like an adventure. We went all round Asia and then we moved to California."

"You stopped being happy?"

"I stopped being _as_ happy," Rory said carefully. "I don't know why."

"You were very far from home," the doctor said. "Very far from your mother. What did she think about your marriage?"

"How come?"

"Her opinion seems to matter a lot. She's your best friend. You told me one of your regrets was her disappointment, both with Dean and with dropping out."

Rory stared at her before saying,

"Mom told me to do what I felt was right. She said she wouldn't say a word because this had to be my decision. She never said so, but I think she thought I was too young. I thought so too, I nearly said no, but Logan said all these things about being in love and taking a risk...I decided to risk it with him."

"Was it worth the risk?"

"I don't –" Rory paused. "It's been difficult lately."

"How so?"

"The move, his work and the Jess situation."

"What Jess situation?"

Rory winced. She hadn't planned on telling the doctor about that.

"My...Jess came back. The same guy. He's working here for a while and I went to stay with him, whenever Logan and I fought. I didn't always look for him but he found me."

"When you fought? Do you fight a lot?"

"Only this year. He wants kids and I'm not ready and we had a big fight after a party. I heard him telling him friends personal stuff about him and I yelled and threw a glass."

The doctor wrote more down and Rory asked tentatively,

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

"I don't like that word, Rory."

"Does it sound...normal?"

"I don't like that word much either, but Rory, it sounds like the action of someone who feels trapped. Someone with bottled up emotion."

Rory stared at her silently and the doctor asked,

"What happened after your fight?"

"Logan bought us membership at the club, though I didn't want to. He knew that but thought it would do us good, meet the right kind of people."

"Rich people."

"I guess. That's why I liked seeing Jess. He's not part of that."

Rory paused for breath and added,

"It felt so wonderful seeing him. I spend time with Logan but it's not the same. When we were away it didn't feel the same. With Logan, I always feel married but with Jess-" Rory stopped herself. "It didn't feel like I was pretending."

"Pretending what?"

"Pretending...to be a happy wife, I guess. Being rich."

The doctor wrote some more down and Rory continued,

"Logan found out about us being friends and told me to stop seeing him."

The doctor put down her pen and Rory said,

"I don't know what I should do. What do you think I should do?"

"Rory, I think you should ask yourself that."

Rory stared at her hands.

"I love Logan," she said eventually. "But I can't lose Jess. I can't."

The doctor nodded. They sat in silence for a while and then the doctor said,

"Rory, I'm sorry, but I have another appointment. Will you come back next week?"

"Of course," Rory said, getting up and shaking her hand. "Thanks."

She left the office with her mind whirling. She didn't know how that had gone – the doctor hadn't said a word about if she thought Rory was normal or crazy, just that she didn't like those words, and that her mother's opinion influenced a lot of her decisions. Rory supposed that was true and, she thought uneasily, some of her choices she made were to show they weren't. Lorelai disapproved of dropping out, Rory sometimes wondered if she disapproved of her marriage, yet somehow it felt like she'd done those things because of it. She had a mind of her own. And what were all those questions about relationships and, Rory thought with a jolt, how they all seemed to involve Jess?

Rory drove carefully back home, glad it was only a short distance away. She parked the car and as she walked up the steps into the apartment she heard a cellphone ringing. It wasn't hers, she had it in her pocket, and as she saw it on the table she realised it was Logan's – she remembered now how he'd woken late and gone to work in a rush, leaving it behind. She picked it up and saw Stu had called and Rory decided to call him back, to explain. She didn't want Logan to get in trouble at work. The phone rang three times and then a breathy female voice answered.

"Babe," she said. "I thought you'd never call back."


	24. Chapter 24

**Thanks for the feedback! I love psychoanalysing Rory!**

Rory stood stock still, the phone frozen in her hand.

"Logan?"

"Who's this?" she managed to ask, noticing that her hand was starting to tremble.

"Lisa," replied the woman, sounding puzzled. "Who's this?"

"I'm Logan's –"

Rory stopped and stared. The phone had gone dead.

Rory sank down onto a chair. The trembling in her hand had spread to her entire body and Rory fought a sudden rush of nausea. Hand shaking, she opened Logan's text messages. They were nearly all from Stu.

_Babe, come see me tonight. Why aren't you picking up?_

_I miss you too. I'd like to hear about that dream._

_Of course I'll see you tonight. Where does your wife think you are? _

_Here's a picture to keep you thinking of me._

Rory's eyes were exposed to a pair of black, lace underwear on a supple body and she dropped the phone, bending over. The nausea was stronger and Rory swallowed back bile. She got up, staggered to the sink and poured herself a glass of water, forcing the liquid down. The sick feeling abated but as she put down the glass Rory's wedding ring caught the light, mocking her. Rory let out a cry, letting the glass topple over, and ripped the ring off, throwing it onto the floor, where it lay still. The gem stared up at Rory like an evil eye but she didn't pick it up. She turned and clutched the counter, feeling as though something very heavy was gripping at her heart, sending pain all through her. Rory finally turned around, bent to pick the ring up and slid into a chair. She put the ring on the table, let the waves of pain break and waited for Logan to return. No tears fell from her eyes.

Logan came in a few hours later, whistling. He pushed open the door and jumped at the sight of Rory, sitting still in the half-light.

"You scared the crap out of me, Ace," he said, turning on the light. "What are you doing sitting there in the dark?"

"You forgot your cellphone," Rory said coldly, ignoring him. "Stu called, or should I say_ Lisa_?"

Logan's smile faded and his face went white.

"Rory-?"

"Who is she?" Rory demanded, standing up. "How long have you -?"

"It didn't mean –"

"You cheated on me!" Rory cried. "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me!"

"I do love you! It didn't mean anything, like you and Jess –"

"Don't you _dare_!" Rory exclaimed, her voice cracking. "It is not the same, I didn't – I would never do this to you, Logan, to us. You made me feel guilty about it, like I'd hurt you while all the time you were sleeping with somebody else!"

"It didn't mean anything," Logan pleaded. "Rory, I swear it didn't."

"God, I'm such a idiot," Rory said furiously. "I was considering giving up one of my most important friendships because I didn't want to hurt you while –"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you! I would never hurt you!"

"You're sleeping with her!" Rory exclaimed, her voice shaking. "Don't pretend that you weren't! Don't you dare deny it!"

Logan fell silent. Rory stared at him and then cried,

"You wanted to bring a _child _into this!"

"Rory, I love you," Logan said, running around the table and taking her hands. "Lisa, she doesn't – it was just a bit of a fun. I don't love her, I love you."

"If you love me, how could you do this to me?" Rory insisted, shaking his hands away. "Don't touch me. You're sleeping with her for fun, do you hate sex with me that much? Am I so bad that –"

"No!" Logan exclaimed, staring at her. "Rory, it's just – you've been so serious lately and –"

"Oh my God!"

"It didn't mean a thing," Logan reiterated. "Ace, I swear. I don't love her, I only love you."

Rory looked at him for a moment and then shook her head. She turned and marched into the bedroom where she pulled out the suitcase she had put away only a few days before.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving," Rory said, throwing clothes into the case. "I'm getting out of here."

"Rory, you don't mean that," Logan said desperately. "We're married, you can't just –"

"I _can't just_?" Rory shouted, slamming the case shut. "You slept with someone else! How is this a marriage, Logan?"

He opened his mouth and shut it without saying a word. Rory looked at him before grabbing the case and turning away. She left the room, reached the kitchen and Logan caught up with her.

"Don't leave me," he begged, starting to cry. "Ace, don't leave me, I love you. I screwed up but I love you so much. You know that, don't you? You know me, you know I love you."

Rory stopped and stared. Logan was looking at her, his eyes red with tears, but Rory shook her head, looked away and made herself walk through the door.

"Rory! Rory, come back!"

Rory heard his calls all the way through the building. She ignored them, put the case in the car and started to drive.

It was only when she reached Stars Hollow that she started to cry. All those times, all those evenings she had waited for him and her husband had been with another woman. Memory of days in California and finding lipstick on Logan's shirts freshened in her mind and Rory retched, wondering if she was going to be sick. How long had he been doing this to her?

Rory got out of the car and leaned against it with shaking legs, her head pounding. She sucked in breathfuls of the sweet night air, drenched by the flow of her tears. It was a beautiful night. It felt as though the whole world was laughing at her and Rory stumbled away, far from the town to the place where she needed to go. She slipped down the newly-familiar streets to the building she'd come to know and hammered on the front door. An elderly man opened it, looking confused, but Rory ran past him, offering no explanation, and raced up the stairs to the first floor. She found the door and showered blows on it until it opened.

"What?" Jess started to ask angrily and then stared, stepping away. "Rory? Rory, what's going on?"

"He cheated on me," Rory cried. "He slept with someone else."

"You mean Logan?" Jess exclaimed, leading her in and shutting the door. "Rory, talk."

She couldn't. Tears streamed and streamed down her cheeks. Rory was able to make out the shape of Jess coming towards her and then he was taking her in his arms, cradling her gently.

"I'm sorry," he said gently. "Rory, I'm sorry."

Rory wept against his chest, the hurt of it all pouring out.

"How could he do this to me?" she sobbed. "He married me, I thought –"

"He's scum," Jess said quietly. "Logan's a piece of scum."

Rory cried and cried against his chest. Jess didn't say anything but let her sob all of her tears out. Somehow, his silence helped.

"Here," Jess said, once Rory had stopped crying. "Take this."

He'd picked up a box of Kleenex and handed it to her. Rory took it thankfully, sitting down and wiping at her eyes. Jess went and poured Rory a glass of water which she sipped slowly. Hurt was still ricocheting through her but it didn't feel as bad as before. Rory no longer felt she was falling apart. She slowly drank the water and looked up at Jess, who'd pulled his chair beside hers and looking at her in a gentle, careful way.

"You're not surprised," Rory said in a low voice. "Are you?"

"Rory –"

"I know you're not," Rory said, tears threatening to overwhelm her again. "You knew. You asked about all those times he was late. I'm so stupid."

"Rory, you are not stupid," Jess said, taking her hands and making her look at him. "You love him, that doesn't make you stupid. He's the – I don't think _stupid_'s the right word."

Rory wanted to laugh but she could barely muster a smile. Tears started falling from her eyes again.

"Rory."

"I'm so unhappy," she cried. "Jess, I'm so...how could he do this to me?"

"Because he doesn't deserve you," Jess said fiercely. "And because he's still the blond dick at Yale."

Rory knew Jess was trying to make her feel better but it only made her feel worse.

"I thought he changed," she sobbed. "I thought I changed him, I thought he loved me – he says he still loves me – how can you do this to someone you love? Is it my fault, is it-"

"Rory, it is not your fault," Jess said, cutting her off. "Listen to me, it's his fault, don't you dare blame yourself for what that jerk's done to you."

Rory shook her head bitterly, squeezing her eyes tightly shut.

"He married me," she choked out. "He said he loved me, Jess. He promised he loved me. What am I going to do now?"

"You're going to do it, Rory."

She looked up, her eyes bright.

"Do what?"

"What it is you need to do."

Jess's words were simple and serious and Rory looked at him, unable to speak. She broke into a flood of tears again and felt Jess's arms around her.

"Rory," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm here. I'm always here."

Rory let him hold her and then looked up, eyes streaming. Jess's face was blurred but his eyes were clear, all the same. She blinked, looked into them and the gentle strength warmed her through. She wondered how she could ever have considered cutting him out, Jess, this wonderful man. She stared and stared at him and, before either could say a word, she was putting her mouth on his and kissing him.

"Rory –"

Rory ignored him, trying to kiss him, but Jess pulled away gently, looking her in the eye.

"Rory, stop," he said, sounding concerned. "We shouldn't be doing this."

Rory looked at him and then couldn't bear to. She stared down and Jess said anxiously,

"Rory, not like this. It can't be because of this."

Rory nodded, knowing she was about to cry, and got roughly out the chair.

"No," she managed to sob. "I don't want to have sex in revenge."

She picked up her case which she had left by the door and Jess hurried to her side.

"Wait," he said, sounding anguished. "Rory, don't leave. Please don't leave...I don't want to do this, not because I don't...I want to do this when you want to. You're in pain, I don't want to do something you'll regret. I don't want you to leave. We can just sit, talk."

Rory looked at him and part of her wanted to drop the case and sit back down with him but it all hurt too much. The cheating, Jess's words, all of it was crushing her like a leaden weight on her chest and she shook her head, refusing to look at him.

"I have to go," she said, her voice trembling. "I'm going to Mom's."

"Let me walk you."

"No!" Rory said venomously and then, more softly, "No, Jess. I need to be alone."

He stopped and nodded, not trying to talk her out of it.

"Goodnight, Rory."

"Goodnight, Jess."

Rory walked in silence along the dark streets, the tears drying on her face. The night air had cooled slightly and Rory welcomed the chill which sent goosebumps along her arms. She walked and walked, her footsteps sounding along the streets until she reached her front door. Rory fumbled in her purse for her key, found it, and made it through the door just as Lorelai emerged, puzzled.

"What's – Rory?"

She took in the sight of her daughter, suitcase in hand and her face sagged, the knowledge clear in her eyes. She held out her arms and Rory dropped the suitcase, falling into them.

"Oh, Rory."

"Mommy," she wailed. "He cheated on me."

"Shh, sweetie."

"Mommy, it hurts so much," Rory cried. "Make it stop Mommy, please. Make it stop."

Lorelai kissed her cheeks, over and over, and took her into living room. She sat on the couch, put Rory beside her and let her lay down, stroking her hand over her hair and soothing her gently. Rory cried and cried into her mother's lap, feeling her world fall apart.


	25. Chapter 25

**Thanks for the feedback!**

Rory woke up in her own bed. She sat up, wondering for a moment where she was, before memory of the day before hit her and a dull deluge of pain sluiced through. Rory hugged the blanket tightly to her and caught sight of Lorelai fast asleep in a chair at the end of the bed, Paul Anka at her feet.

"Mom?"

Lorelai stirred and woke up, giving her daughter a smile.

"Hey."

"Were you in here all night?"

"Pretty much."

Lorelai stretched and sat up, wincing as she lifted her neck. Her sleeping position didn't look comfortable, she had buried her face into a pillow at the side of the chair and it was hardly spacious.

"You didn't have to do that, Mom," Rory said, touched. "I'm not sick."

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Rory opened her mouth to say she was but the words wouldn't come and she closed it, feeling the dull ache in her chest again.

"Honey?"

"I'm fine," Rory said, a little too quickly, and Lorelai looked at her sympathetically.

"How about I make us some coffee?"

Rory nodded gratefully and Lorelai got out of the chair, rubbing her neck, and went into the kitchen, Paul Anka following in her wake and wagging his tail. Rory watched them go and slowly got out of bed. Her clothes lay folded on the chair beside her, where her mother must have put them, her purse beside them. Rory couldn't remember getting to bed, all she recalled from the night before was crying and crying until she could no more, her mother's arms around her. Her sleep had been free from dreams. Rory opened her purse and got out her cellphone and her chest constricted painfully; Logan had called five times and left several messages begging her to come home. Rory sank back down on the bed, feeling dizzy, and switched it off. Jess hadn't contacted her, which made her relieved, but Rory wondered what he was thinking and if he wanted to talk to her at all. She couldn't fathom what she would say. She was still staring at the dead phone when her mother came in with a tray laden with breakfast food and a large pot of coffee. Her smile faded as she saw the phone in her daughter's hand.

"Oh, sweetie. I should have got that out of here."

"It's okay," Rory said quietly. Lorelai hesitated.

"Did he call?"

Rory nodded but didn't say anything. Lorelai indicated for her to get back into bed which Rory did, moving aside so there was room for them both, and got in beside her daughter, carefully laying the tray across their knees.

"Okay," Lorelai said brightly. "What may I serve Madame? We have the traditional Gilmore cuisine of poptarts, a classic choice, brightly coloured cereal and a new choice, toaster strudel, all along with coffee which will make any of these a delight, or palatable, at least."

"Toaster strudel?"

"Hey, don't knock the wonders of the food age. It's a new world out there my friend and it's taken the breakfast world by storm. We can't just eat the normal stuff and refuse to make progress – would we have beeforoni if no one decided to experiment?"

"While I admire your attitude, I think I'm going to have to take the poptart," Rory said, feeling a little queasy. "I don't think my stomach's up to anything new."

"A valid choice," Lorelai agreed, handing it to her in a napkin. "And your coffee, of course."

Rory held out her cup, feeling like when she was a little kid and home sick from school. No matter how awful she was feeling, dizzy with a sore throat or throwing up, Lorelai would always make it a little better, telling her she was recuperating at Hotel Gilmore and could watch the movie of her choice. It was almost worth being sick.

"You don't have to do this," Rory said, watching her mother pour a steady stream of coffee. "I'm not sick, Mom."

"Your heart is sick," Lorelai said seriously, pouring her own cup of coffee and putting the pot down. "And that's even worse than when your body is, most of the time, I know. It hurts and no one can see it. I've taken the day off work."

"What? Mom, no."

"Hey, you've checked into Hotel Gilmore and I'm providing the finest service," Lorelai said, making her daughter smile. "We have an endless supply of movies of your choice, including a vintage VCR, and a constant supply of coffee. What more could you want?"

Rory looked at her, wanting to make a quippy reply, but the joke fell flat before she even said it.

"Thanks, Mom," she said, leaning over and hugging her. "Thank you."

"Hey, watch the coffee," Lorelai joked, but she was serious as she hugged her daughter and kissed the top of her head. "You don't have to thank me, sweets. Do you want to talk about it?"

Rory looked at her and hesitated. Lorelai hastily added,

"You don't have to. We could always watch a movie instead."

"No," Rory said, suddenly tired. "I want to talk about it. It'll feel worse if I don't."

"Okay," Lorelai said gently. She looked at her daughter and waited for to begin.

"Logan cheated on me," Rory said, the dull ache resurfacing. "He left his cellphone behind and I came home and heard it ringing. This guy he works with, Stu, called so I called back and – and Stu wasn't Stu. Stu was some woman called Lisa."

Rory stopped for breath, staring at her hands. She knew if she looked at Lorelai she would cry.

"She asked who I was and I said I was Logan's wife, only she hung up before I got the sentence out. I opened his text messages and they were all from her, asking where I was, when he wanted to see her again and pictures of her in underwear. I know it was wrong to read his messages, but –"

"Honey, he cheated on you," Lorelai said, her voice beginning to get a dangerous tone. "I think looking at his messages is a pretty minor crime in comparison."

Rory nodded, fighting the lump at the back of her throat.

"And...and I took off my wedding ring," she said, clenching her hands together. "I just ripped it off, I – that doesn't matter. I sat at the table and I waited for Logan to come back. I don't know how long it was but I just sat there and waited and when he came in I confronted him."

"What did Logan say?"

"He didn't try and deny it. He said he loved me, that this thing with Lisa was just fun because I've been depressed lately –"

"He said _what_?"

Lorelai was looking murderous. Rory swallowed.

"Maybe he didn't mean it like that but –"

"How else could he mean it?"

"I don't know. He said it was like with the Jess thing, but –"

"The Jess thing?" Lorelai exclaimed. "He thinks you hanging out with an ex-boyfriend you did nothing with is the same as sleeping with someone else?"

"I don't know," Rory said tearfully. "I would never cheat on him, I almost thought I'd stop seeing Jess if it hurt him, and Logan didn't even know about the kiss."

"The kiss?" Lorelai echoed. "What kiss?"

She stared at her daughter and Rory winced. She forgot that she hadn't told Lorelai about that.

"I went to see Jess a few weeks ago," she said in a wobbly voice. "After the fight at the party."

"I remember."

"I told Jess how unhappy I was and we were sitting and he was holding my hands and then he kissed me. It was only for a second and I pulled away but –"

Lorelai shook her head venomously.

"I don't know who I'm going to kill first. There'll be a double homicide today."

"Mom, no! It didn't mean anything.. Jess was sorry, he knew he'd done the wrong thing."

"Oh, that's good of him."

"Mom, please," Rory begged. "Please let it go, for me. He's my friend, I've forgiven him."

Lorelai nodded uneasily and Rory choked,

"It wasn't cheating, was it?"

"Oh, honey."

"I didn't kiss him back. I didn't see him, I...I felt so guilty," Rory cried. "While all the time..."

"Oh Rory."

"I kissed him last night, but –"

"Rory, you what?"

"Before I came here I went to see Jess," Rory said uncomfortably. "I hadn't seen him in weeks ago and I wanted to talk to him. I hurt so much and I started to kiss him. Jess stopped me, he said it was for the wrong reasons. He was right, I didn't really want to do it."

"So now he knows it's wrong to kiss someone married."

"Am I even married now?" Rory asked, her voice crumpling. "Am I, Mom?"

She burst into tears and Lorelai put her arms around her.

"Oh, sweetie. It's okay."

"Don't tell anyone, Mom," Rory begged. "Not about me and Jess."

"Of course I won't."

Lorelai sounded troubled. She kissed the top of Roy's head.

"Logan said it didn't mean anything," Rory sobbed. "What he was doing. I got my case and I left. I didn't even think about what I was doing, I just had to get out of there."

"A wise decision."

"What am I going to do now?" Rory asked helplessly. "Where am I going to stay?"

"Here with me."

"I didn't even think," Rory said, tears pouring down her cheeks. "I still love Logan, Mom. He's hurt me but he's still my husband."

"I know you still love him. That doesn't mean you should go back to him."

"He said it didn't mean anything."

"You know, I don't really care what Logan thinks it meant," Lorelai said furiously. "He cheated on you, he slept with another woman and he's not even sorry."

"He cried."

"He cried because you found out. I swear, I'm going to drive to Hartford right now and –"

"Mom, don't!" Rory begged tearfully. "Please! I can't deal with this too, you being mad at Logan and Jess and this whole other thing...I can't even deal with this, I can't."

Lorelai's face softened as she took Rory in her arms.

"Hey," she said, stroking her hair. "I'm not going anywhere, sweets. I'll stay right here with you."

"You promise?"

"I promise. Though I am sad I won't get to try out my murder techniques. I've finetuned a list ever since you had a boyfriend."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, it involves internet cables now."

"_Internet _cables?"

"It's very advanced," Lorelai grinned. "But my favourite still has to be dull hedge-clippers to remove a head with. I think I'll remove Logan's hands first, before moving onto something else."

"What's that?"

"Let's just say it wouldn't be easy for him to sleep with Lisa again."

"Mom!" Rory exclaimed, bursting into laughter. "Stop!"

"Then I'd remove his head," Lorelai grinned. "Slowly."

"You're a sick, sick woman, you know that?"

"No, I'm a just a seriously pissed mother and you don't want to cross me."

"I'll drink to that," Rory said seriously, lifting her coffee cup. "Or I would, if it hadn't gone cold. Okay, I'm going to get dressed."

"What?" Lorelai exclaimed. "No, Rory, you have to wallow, have I taught you nothing?"

"I don't want to wallow," Rory said firmly, getting out bed. "Wallowing won't change what happened."

"But what about movie day?"

"We can still have movie day, just not in flannel pyjamas," Rory said, looking down at the cupcakes on them. "I need to shower."

"Did you miss the boat on the right way to wallow?"

"Hey, you know I don't like the water."

"Don't use all the hot," Lorelai warned as Rory found a towel. "I'm using it after you."

"Don't you want a movie day?"

"Yes, but I can't be in my pyjamas, that's just pathetic! Go on, go."

Rory hurried out of the room. She noticed Lorelai take her cellphone and put it in her pocket.

She showered quickly, came back down and opened her suitcase. She had thrown clothes in such a hurry that she hadn't even thought about what she'd put in and Rory found three shirts, various underwear, a pair of black pants and a green skirt. She didn't want to wear any of it, apart from the underwear, and in the end found some jeans in her closet which she teamed with the blue shirt she had worn to see Jess that time several weeks ago. She had managed to get that in the suitcase too, tangled with the green skirt, and Rory felt oddly proud. She heard her mother shower, exit the bathroom and just as Rory was putting the suitcase away there was a loud banging at the door.

"Who the hell is that?" Rory heard Lorelai shout. "Just a minute!"

Rory heard her run down the stairs and she slowly exited the bedroom, able to see the door whilst remaining out the sight. She knew who it was before Lorelai opened the door.

"Let me see Rory," Logan said. He looked haggard, his face creased.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Lorelai asked. "I know what you've done."

"Just let me talk to her."

"You are not going anywhere near my daughter," Lorelai told him, her voice shaking with anger. "And I don't think it's a smart idea for you to be within a mile's radius of me right now. I want to kill you."

"Lorelai –"

"God!" Lorelai shouted. "I'm such an idiot! I was wrong about you and I hate being wrong! I listened to you, years ago when you did this to her and I bought your stupid sob story about being in love with her!"

"I was in love with her! I _am_ in love with her!"

"You don't do this to people you love! God, I encouraged my daughter to go back to you, I told her to give you a second chance and I said nothing when you asked her to marry you. It made me uneasy but do you know what I was dumb enough to think? I thought that even if you and Rory are young, you love each other. You love her, you want to take care of her and my daughter adores you so I gave my blessing for you to go and cheat on her! You're nothing! You're scum!"

"Lorelai –"

"Don't you dare use my name," Lorelai said in a low, dangerous voice. "It's Ms Gilmore to you now and no matter what my daughter thinks, her marriage to you is over and any relationship between us is done. You are not my son-in-law and I am not your mother-in-law. Never come back here, not for holidays or anything else. Rory might believe you're sorry, that you didn't mean the things you've done, but I can see right through you, your nauseating charm. You're still the spoiled rich boy who'll do anything he wants, no matter how much it hurts everyone else."

"Lor- Ms Gilmore – would you just let me talk to Rory."

"Not a chance in hell. I am never letting my daughter near you and if you ever hurt my kid again I will make good on my promise."

"What promise?"

"I think actions speak louder than words," Lorelai said fiercely. Logan didn't back down and called into the house,

"Rory!"

"Shut up, you bastard!"

Rory slowly walked into the hall. Logan's eyes widened.

"Rory –"

"Logan, leave," Rory said quietly. "Go, please. Just go."

He stared at Rory, turned and walked back down the steps, his head hanging. Mother and daughter stared until he had got into his car, backed it up and driven away. Rory exhaled and lay her head on Lorelai's shoulder.

"Thanks, Mom."

"You heard?"

"Yeah."

"I'm glad he listened to you," Lorelai remarked. "But I'm sorry I didn't get to make good on my promise."

"Me too," Rory admitted. She giggled but still felt a little sombre and Lorelai put an arm around her.

"Hey, you've checked into Hotel Gilmore and we've got a whole plethora of movies crying to be watched. You get first pick."

"Nothing with guys."

"A challenge, I like it. Let's go."

Several hours later Lorelai turned off the television and groaned.

"I think it's time for more food, don't you think? Al's Pancake World is calling."

"Hey, Mom, it's Friday."

"Yeah, so?"

"So you have Friday Night Dinner. It's six now."

"So?"

"So you'll be late if you don't change and go now."

"I'll skip it," Lorelai said confidently. "You're more important."

"Mom, you can't skip it. Grandma'll have a fit."

"Let her, I'm not leaving you."

"Mom, you have to go. She'll know something's wrong."

"I'll just tell her something's up at the inn."

"You know she won't buy that. Mom, if you don't go, she'll know something's happened."

Lorelai looked at her sympathetically.

"You don't want her to know."

"No," Rory said quietly. "I don't."

"Why?"

"She'll have all these questions and call me and she –" Rory caught herself. "She might think it's my fault."

"Honey, why would she think that? Mom's got her faults but she wouldn't blame you for this."

"She might think –" Rory swallowed a lump in her throat. "She told me off for not compromising. She might think it's because of that."

"I'll tell her to compromise her –"

"Mom!"

"I really don't think she'd blame you, sweets."

"I still don't want her to know," Rory insisted. "Please."

"That I understand," Lorelai sighed. "Are you sure?"

"Please go. Get changed right now or you'll be late, and not in your porn star T-shirt."

"Deal," Lorelai grinned. "You know where the takeout menus are, right?"

"Go!"

Lorelai ran upstairs and down at neck-breaking speed, transformed in a dress covered in butterflies. She slid on high heels, grabbed her purse and kissed her daughter before running out the door and speeding off in the car, reminding Rory of many evenings past. She waved from the window.

Once her mother had gone Rory was at a loss. She got up off the couch, slowly folding the blanket and putting the videos back in the box. It felt weird to back, properly, and start calling the place home, yet if Rory was honest with herself, the apartment in Hartford had never felt that. She had moved out years ago but Stars Hollow was still owner of that name.

Rory cleared out all the junk she and Lorelai had been eating and carried it into the kitchen, washing the plates. She cleaned the surfaces too, as she was in there, and swept the floor. Cleaning felt good, it took her mind off things, and she carried the broom into her bedroom where she started to sweep. She swept every corner, took out the trash and finally sank onto the bed, exhausted. The cease of action brought back the swing of thoughts and Rory swallowed back tears. Was this how Lindsay had felt? Was this some kind of punishment for what she and Dean had done? Had she not felt ashamed enough, in the wrong for moving on? Rory felt a kind of guilt she hadn't had in years and she lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. It was in this bedroom, in this position that she had lost her virginity many years before, the night a confused rush of memory. She hadn't meant to do it. She was only getting CDs, never expecting Dean to show at her door.

She'd meant to turn him away, or that was what she told herself. He'd said his marriage was over and she'd believed him so didn't stop him when they began to kiss. It was all happening so fast but Rory hadn't cared, as he pressed her on the bed and asked if she had a condom, which she handed him from her drawer. Dean still loved her, he was never going to leave, not ever, and Rory had clung to him as they began to have sex. It hurt and Rory closed her eyes. It was not the first time she had imagined but he wanted her back and, Rory decided, that was what mattered. She would try and love him like she had. Perhaps the doctor had been right.

It felt odd, thinking back to that girl. She was almost like a stranger and it seemed impossible that just a few months later she had met Logan, so different from Dean. He was smart and funny and cute, if a little arrogant, and he intrigued her. Dean broke up with her but it wasn't as terrible as she'd imagined and Logan was there. Rory remembered being glad she wasn't a virgin when they met, started sleeping together. She knew Logan would have made some kind of joke, not necessarily cruel but a joke nonetheless and Rory wouldn't want to be inexperienced, have a first time with him. He wasn't the kind of guy you fell in with and it took her by surprise when she did. She loved Logan, loved him so much it hurt and when he hurt her, slept with other women, she held on. He loved her, she'd got him to love her and it seemed impossible not to hold on.

Now this. He'd slept with another woman, maybe more, yet he still claimed he loved her and Rory didn't know what to think. She wanted to hate Logan but she couldn't and looking at her bare hand made her cry. She felt scared. She and Logan had been together for five years, a crazy ride, and now they were married. Could she judge him when she'd been part of adultery? Was it a price she should pay? He still loved her, after all. Rory squeezed her eyes shut and Jess's face flooded her mind, his words loud in her brain,_ you deserve better than this, you are_.

Rory opened her eyes and sat up. It had got dark outside and she hadn't eaten yet. She had been snacking all afternoon yet her stomach still grumbled. She knew where the drawer of takeout menus were but she hadn't been outside all day and wanted some air. Rory ran a brush through her hair, put on her jacket, found her wallet and walked out, the air most on her face. It must have been raining and her foot splashed in a puddle. Rory walked past houses covered in dusk, jolting as she passed Kim's Antiques, remembering Lane didn't know. She wondered if her friend would tell her to leave or stay, saying marriage was for life. Rory didn't think Lane would take Emily's line but sometimes she suspected she was unhappy with Zach. Rory carried on, deciding not to think about Lane's problems which she couldn't solve, and her heart filled with relief at the sight of Luke's. It was always there, surrounded by lights, as it had Rory's whole life and Rory walked through, enjoying the familiar sound of the bell. It was empty and Luke had his back to the counter.

"Take a seat anywhere."

"Counter okay?"

Luke turned around the sound of Rory's voice. His eyes widened but he made no other sound of surprise as he said softly,

"Sure. Sit anywhere you like, Rory."

Rory slipped onto a stool. It felt odd being back alone, in a good way. She only went back with Lorelai and could count on her hand the number of times she had been since she and Logan moved back. She missed Luke and, as he looked at her, she suddenly remembered being four years old and sick with chickenpox. She wouldn't eat anything but mashed potato, cried all day, and as Lorelai's cheerfulness began to break, showing the real worry for her daughter, Luke was there. He held her hands tight so she wouldn't scratch herself, made more potato and told her stories so interesting she forgot about the itch. She slept through the night, feeling comfortable for the first time in a week, and Luke was back the next day. He was there every day until she was better.

"Hey," Rory said quietly.

"Hey," Luke said gently. Rory looked at him and his face told her he knew. She thought of Jess, though she knew he would never tell ,and then knew. Lorelai had picked up their lunch from Luke's earlier.

"Mom told you."

"He's a jerk, Rory," Luke said, sounding almost exactly like his nephew. "That sonofabitch never deserved you."

"I love him," Rory said with a sob. "I still love him, Luke."

Luke's face softened.

"Yeah, I know."

"I married him," Rory said miserably. "I married him, he's cheated on me and I still love him. I'm an idiot."

"You're in good company, Rory," Luke said and Rory looked up, confused. "Nicole," he clarified.

"Oh Luke, I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. I'm more of an idiot than you. I married the woman without loving her and then tried to date her. I didn't love her but it still – it's never good being cheated on."

Rory silently shook her head.

"Just don't beat up a car like I did."

"What?"

"Never mind," Luke coughed. He looked at her and said,

"How about a burger? I'm guessing you haven't had dinner. Where's your mom?"

"Grandparents'."

"Of course, it's Friday," Luke said, slapping his head. "How could I forget?"

He emerged a short while later with two burgers and fries, handing one of the plates to Rory. He watched her eat and said,

"Rory, I want you to know that if I ever see that..._husband_ of yours he won't get within a foot of you."

"Luke."

"No, I mean it," Luke said angrily. "He doesn't deserve the dirt I'll make him eat."

Rory smiled but tears fell from her eyes before she could stop them. They fell onto the burger, dripping on the fries and Luke hurried around the counter, putting his arms around her.

"I'm sorry."

"No," Rory sobbed. "It's not you Luke, it's not – I'm glad you're here. Don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere," Luke said assuringly, not mentioning anything about his establishment. "Don't cry, Rory. It's alright. Hey, it's alright."

Rory didn't agree but she didn't say anything and sobbed onto Luke's shirt shoulder, ruining the flannel. He didn't remark on it and held her gently, letting her cry it out, and Rory felt as though she was ten years old again and crying because her caterpillar had died. She had invited Luke to the funeral and he had worn a suit.

Eventually the flow of tears stopped and Rory looked up, wiping her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I wrecked your shirt."

"Oh, it's okay, I've got a ton of them."

"I let my burger get cold."

"I've got a ton of those too, want me to make you another?"

Before Rory could say she didn't mind he whisked her plate away and went into the back, fixing up a new batch. He handed it to her and they ate in silence, Rory wiping her eyes with the napkin.

"You know, Jess will be back soon," Luke said as they finished. "He'll come around seven to help with the evening shift if you want to hang out."

Part of Rory did but she felt awkward about the night before. She didn't know what to say or what to do and the thought of crying again as he walked in was too much to bear. She shook her head.

"I'm going to head back, watch some TV."

"Okay," Luke said, sparing the lecture he usually made on screentime. "Call me if you need anything, I'll be right there. You want to take something home?"

"No, I –"

Luke was already handing her a bag of fries. Rory smiled and took them.

"Thanks."

"You're going to be okay, Rory," Luke said gently. "I know you are."

Rory hesitated and hugged him tightly.

"Thanks."

She left the diner before his nephew could arrive. As she reached the corner she heard the slam of a car door, saw a dark form emerge but rounded it before he could see her, ask her to talk. Rory walked slowly home, the food hot in her hand, feeling the dying warmth of the night.


End file.
